Use Your Words

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“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” – Rumi

Last Friday my almost four-year-old Mr. D responded to me when I told him that the next day we were going to Olympia for a hike, “Mine Bumblebees and me hate that place.” [Bumblebees is the name of his pre-school classroom so he was going for the group effect, I guess.] I had to laugh. Olympia is about 60 miles south of Seattle and Mr. D has never been there. What’s more – he loves hiking!

I also understand from the lead teacher at his school that the usually affable Mr. D has been recently trying out the phrase, “If you don’t let me, my mom will be mad at you.” Another gem since expressing anger is something I’m woefully bad at.

But I can relate the desire to attach to the most powerful presence I can find and try to borrow some influence. I remember seeing a sign in my neighborhood when I was going through my divorce that said something like, “We don’t want you to park here…” And I felt a mournful tug that I wasn’t no longer a part of a “we” I could hide behind.

Here’s how I unpack it for me. When I feel vulnerable, I’d like to borrow the biggest shield I can find instead of baring my naked underbelly for all to see. I think there’s more than just a little instinctual resistance to leaning in to the things that make me feel exposed. I have a well-guarded list of my weaknesses, fears, and the things I love so much that I regularly worry about losing them.

I come from a long line of smart women whose agency and power were in large part conferred upon them by the men in their life. In that system, their judgment was the sharpest tool they could wield. And I don’t mean judgment as in discernment but instead judgment of others.

But I want to live in curiosity instead of judgment, so I’ve worked hard to break that pattern. That has meant reaching deep inside me to stoke my own fire. I’ve noticed that when I borrow power from someone else, I forget to believe in my own.

I don’t have the worldly power to affect change, command resources, or make people listen but I’ve found that the most important person that needs to believe in my voice is me. When I don’t believe that I, by myself, have anything to say, it suddenly becomes true. I stop in my tracks trying to work for change in my own life.

And when I remember that I do have power to decide and make things happen in my own life, often a curious thing happens – I find helpers. Not people who I need to borrow influence from but others who are swimming the same direction and we can draft off each other.

So I come back to the thing I often say to my kids when they are upset. “Use YOUR words.” It works as advice on many levels for all ages.

(featured photo from Pexels)

66 thoughts on “Use Your Words”

  1. There’s so much here that resonates for me. This sentence in particular, though, touches me to the core: “When I feel vulnerable, I’d like to borrow the biggest shield I can find instead of baring my naked underbelly for all to see.”

    After I experienced groundlessness, my sense was, “No, no, no, I take it back! Give me back my shields, and armor, and mask! Please let me have it all back!” So I spent a “good” chunk of that day coming to terms with how I’d passed the point of no return, and that–as I feel in your words here–is actually, probably a pretty OK place to be … even when deeply uncomfortable.

    I hope your week is full of delight!

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    1. Oh, what an interesting point about passing the point of no return. It’s like trying to unknow something or unlearn something — especially the things that when we know them, they make us understand we have to vibrate at a higher level. I completely feel you for wanting to give back some of those gifts, Deborah. And then we adjust and as you say, it’s actually a pretty OK place to be. Right!

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  2. I want to live in curiosity instead of judgment

    Me too. I know how much judgement can warp someone’s thinking, and how much curiosity can empower someone’s thinking, so sign me up to be empowered, please.

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  3. I love the imagery of drafting with like-minded beings. Yes, yes. And you helped me clear a conundrum with this gem: …”the desire to attach to the most powerful presence I can find and try to borrow some influence.” I saw that in action recently and was bothered by it – someone I know who is generally a picture of confidence bowing down as he tried to ride coattails. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was bothered. Now I understand better, I think. And maybe I should be reaching out to check on him. xo, Wynne! 😉

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  4. This post points to the reason I love you so much. To have the willingness to dig deep to discover the hidden bits of yourself that need to be aired out, and then have the courage to speak your truth aloud without apology is healing and uplifting, not just to yourself, but to others in your field. When you say, “I don’t have the worldly power to affect change, command resources, or make people listen…” I say you DO! Just by being who you are and sharing yourself with others is more than enough. No words needed. Just your presence! Shine on, bright star!

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  5. You may not have “worldly power,” but I’ll bet you could make a difference in that world, Wynne. “Callings” take many shapes, no matter how reluctant we my be or how small we seem. The time calls to all of us. You would be a “world Wynne” and a whirlwind and a winner. You are all these already.

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    1. Oh, Dr. Stein – what a great play on words and rousing encouragement too. Thank you, I’m happy to keep trying to make my small place a little shinier – and so grateful to have the likes of you accompanying me on my ride!

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  6. I have travelled back to my divorce with this post Wynne. So many years of believing and allowing myself to become someone I was not, to stay silent for reasons that never made sense, to protect an ideal that was never going to be accomplished. I don’t claim to always be tactful, and sometimes I react first but can usually catch myself before disaster occurs, however there is no more silence on my part. I lived too long walking that road and it only brought pain so that path now has a big old red X on it and I do my best to only travel the roads that support being open and honest.

    Btw- around chuckling at Mr. D’s comment I sort of hated that place on Saturday a bit myself, or perhaps it was the getting to that place that caused a heightened level of crankiness. Either way, I will gladly be a bumblebee and support Mr. D in his unwittingly prescient statement 😉

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    1. This post brings me back to my divorce too, Deb. I think that was my wake up call to not participate in some of those old patterns. I love what you say about traveling the roads to being open and honest. Yes, yes, yes!

      And I’m giggling about the Nature Reserve. It was lovely – but the traffic was bad. No worries though, D is still enthusiastically planning his next “hiking with Deb!” 🙂

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      1. For a long time I had the occasional “what if” moment. What if I hadn’t lost myself and my voice? Would that, or could that have made a difference? The process that leads to divorce is in my case a two-sided one, we both had an impact, yet I always knew I wanted to change and those changes would have been a part of the “helpers” you talk about. The person that needed to also be a helper- my former spouse was not in the game and my changes only further set myself and my goals apart from his inability to recognize the circular pattern and seek his own changes. Some seem to be able to embrace growth while others are firmly implanted in what they know.

        Anyway- so glad that Mr D came away unscathed by the adventure 🙂

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      2. Oh, I relate to this comment so much, Deb. In fact so much so, that I’m having a hard time responding to what you’ve said because I can’t tell if I’m responding to you or talking about me. But yes, it’s so easy to lose our voice in those relationships and then trying to find them again and be willing to change is incredibly hard (impossible?) – especially when the other person doesn’t want to do the work. Divorce is a hard thing to choose but when the other choice is withering inside, it sometimes is the only choice.

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  7. So many excellent points today! I am struck my young Mr. trying out exerting a little power, even if he borrows from yours to try to get what he wants at school! Kids are all too aware of their powerlessness, and often the only way they can feel they have any power is to say no, or to be contrary.

    My youngest Granddaughter (11) has been seeing her older siblings (16) get more buying power and independence, while she felt trapped by her age, so she was very contrary for the past year or two, ignoring her mom’s requests to do her chores by the time mom came home from work. The twins went through that phase too, it is so frustrating!

    Now Miss T has been asking for a debit card, because she wants to buy stuff online from Temu. I had been enticing her to do her chores, and I would pay her a dollar a day if she got everything done, but that wasn’t clicking until she discovered the Temu app this weekend, now she’s seeing that she has some possible buying power so is willing to finally do the work she needs to in order to be able to buy a bunch of stuff for herself. Fingers crossed that app will help her feel she has more autonomy and not feel like a little kid all the time!

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    1. Oh yes, that in-between. That’s so hard. I love the story you tell about figuring out her autonomy and independence. Three cheers for Miss T (and her mom and grandmother!)! ❤

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      1. Fingers crossed Miss T will move from that phase and into the independent young woman she wishes to become, and follow her twin siblings examples! Now that the twins have their driver’s licenses, they each have a summer job. Grandpa D sees the twins growth and has told Miss T that he will teach her to drive his golf cart, and since he lives in a small town she will be able to drive it on some of the roads when she visits him. Kids need to feel they can learn the skills they need to adult, and these are things that help guide them to their autonomy.

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      3. Miss T is happy… She sees herself getting to do more of the things her older sibs now get to do. Empowering them to want to get into their next stage is tricky at times, but it is part of hat we do!

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  8. I found many bit interesting in your post already mentioned by others. I especially like that you have looked at the women in your life and found their sharpest tools to be judgmental. Fascinating. I think that is so true for many women, especially older generations. Beautiful post!

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      1. Yes. I think you’re correct. I’m thinking of my husband’s aunt who graduated from Berkeley, the only woman from architecture school. She couldn’t get hired in the US because in the early 60s it was considered a man’s field. She learned a new language, moved to Italy and was hired as one of the city planners of Rome. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would have been for her to stay in the states unemployed in her field.

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  9. I love the idea of living in curiosity. That’s what makes waking up worthwhile! That will stay with me – and the million other good points you bring up!

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  10. There is so much wisdom here, Wynne., and in these great comments! I especially appreciate your observation that helpers show up when you remember that you have the power to decide and make things happen in my own life. I’ve found the same and it’s such a *human* experience – empowerment, connection, and flow.

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    1. I love the BIG lesson that you’ve pulled out of this, Erin. Empowerment, connection and flow. I couldn’t have summarized it so succinctly so I’m so glad that you did. Yes!

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  11. I can so relate to the way you felt when you realized you were no longer a “we.” I think that’s something everyone who has ever been through a divorce has experienced, and it’s jolting when you have that realization. I remember very clearly my own “a-ha” moment: I was preparing dinner one evening and nicked my finger with a knife. It wasn’t a deep cut, but it could have been, and I realized in that moment if something bad happened to me, there would be no one to drive me to the ER. That was a very sobering thought in the moment.

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    1. Same here Mark, especially each year as I get older. Like what if I’m choking on something? Just hope I can manage 911 or throw myself over a chair! Even with those lurking thoughts you know when the decision was the correct one and you are so much better without the other half of the we involved in your life.

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      1. I’ve had that exact same thought about giving myself the Heimlich, Deb! So funny – and so true! And yes, it was the correct decision – in fact, I’m much less likely to choke these days because I’m not swallowing my words… 🙂

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      2. To Deb, Wynne, and anyone else concerned about choking while alone, look into the LifeVac. It’s a suction device that will pull out anything that may be obstructing your airways. It’s about $80 and can be used on yourself. I had trouble with swallowing for a few years – I never had to use it, but it gave me a huge sense of security simply having it around, just in case.

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      4. Erin – that sounds like an excellent suggestion. But I’m giggling at the thought of what my kids might do if they got their hands on it… we spent a good part of yesterday photographing our tongues that turned blue from a drink. 🙂

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      5. I’ve wondered if it would work on toilet clogs 😉
        And Erin I am not making fun of the device. I truly am thankful daughter thought of this. She actually saved my life way back at the start of nursing school when I choked on a piece of steak so I honestly owe her my life 🙂

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  12. Sharing the little parenting moments are oh, so good! And this is sound advice -“So I come back to the thing I often say to my kids when they are upset. “Use YOUR words.” It works as advice on many levels for all ages.” Thank you!

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  13. Thanks for baring your soft underbelly a bit.

    Yes! As you know, I have recently rediscovered my curiosity, and it has definitely helped reduce my judgementalism.

    Also, this… “I’ve noticed that when I borrow power from someone else, I forget to believe in my own.”

    And let me say, I continue to find your words to be very powerful in my life and heart. So, thank you muchly! I am doing all I can to get in your draft!

    Mr. D is my hero.

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    1. What a lovely comment, David. I find it so worth baring my vulnerability if it resonates with others so I appreciate you saying so. The best part about drafting is that we get to take turns so thank you for that.

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  14. Love this post for a number of different reasons, but “use your words” really made me smile. Such great advice for the little . . . and yes, the big people in our lives. If only we followed that advice, life would be so much better. Thanks Wynne!

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  15. I needed this on a Monday, as I look ahead to the week both at work and at home. It is absolutely true that the person who needs to believe in our voice is ourselves – and that doubt and fear can be so immensely crippling.

    And I love how you role model and try to help your kids find their voice and the best words to express their inner power too.

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  16. Use “YOUR” words. I love that because I think too many people allow their opinions to be influenced by others, rather than reflecting and forming their own. Interestingly, they are often the people who refer to those of us who try to keep an open mind and see things from all angles as “woke” or “sheeple”.

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  17. I’m still unpacking your several points in this post, Wynne. But while I’m mulling them over I keep coming back to this statement: I come from a long line of smart women whose agency and power were in large part conferred on them by the men in their lives. That surprised and intrigued me. I hope sometime you will expand on that.

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  19. What a great post full of insight and wisdom. I love this sentence in particular, “I’ve noticed that when I borrow power from someone else, I forget to believe in myself.” I like to think life never works if we are not being our true authentic self…

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  20. You’re not alone in seeking your shield Wynne. Most humans would. It’s our protection. But lowering it in those few meaningful relationships brings the greatest joy in life. It’s in the depth of vulnerability that we find true connection.
    Loved this and the stories behind it. 🌸

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  21. I’m still mulling over your interesting words Wynne. I love the Rumi quote which I saw a few days ago somewhere – thinking he’s trying to get a message through to me! 🙂

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  22. Beautifully penned, “So I come back to the thing I often say to my kids when they are upset. “Use YOUR words.” It works as advice on many levels for all ages.”
    True. But, sometimes, being silent when upset works too. Because the voice and the words we use when we are upset can be hurtful to the receiver. Moreover, we can neither take back the voice nor the words once out of our system.

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  23. This is such a powerful post Wynne, it resonates with so many of us, we all feel this when life gets the best of us, or someone treats us unfairly and we’re left feeling deflated, ignored, unseen. “I want to live in curiosity instead of judgment,” I love this line the most and the part about how difficult it is to break old patterns. I’m still learning to stand on my own two feet instead of following in someones footsteps or trying to fit in shoes that are not my own. You always give me so much to think about. I’m going to reread and chew on this for a bit. Hugs, C

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    1. Thank you, dear Cheryl! You always do such a great job of picking up what I’m trying to get at – and saying it back so beautifully. “Trying to fit in shoes that are not my own.” You remind me of what a lifelong lesson this is. Thank you, my friend!

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