At the Pace of Love

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“To lose balance, sometimes, for love, is part of living a balanced life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

The last two weeks have been really busy. Traveling, birthdays, my 7-year-old is out of school – wonderfully fun things that have made it so I have to schedule time to breathe. It’s all good – I’m just setting up my excuse for what’s to come next.

Because when I get busy like this, I don’t want to take the time to teach or do things collaboratively. I just want to get things done and the extra time and patience it takes to direct small hands with inquisitive minds attached? I feel like I don’t have it.

For example, Miss O brought a little terrarium project home from school about six months ago. It only needs water once or twice a year but I noticed that the grass in it is all brown. Seemed like a good cue for adding water.

I know that it would be a bad thing to just do it. It’s not my project and we all need to learn sooner or later the steps to keep something alive. Right?

So I mentioned it to Miss O. She took one look and then started wondering about the calendar. She had it in mind that it wouldn’t need care until her classmate, Jonas G’s birthday and then she was off and running down that track of wondering when his birthday is and what to get him.

All that chatter and no watering. <groan> I just want to water the damn thing.

It reminds me that I often want to just do things for other people, grown-ups and kids alike. That way I can do it my way, in my time, and get it done. But that’s not the way that life works, is it?

This is when a particular phrase from my dad comes to mind. “We just need to love people where they are at, wherever that is.” It works for me because it slows me down to the pace of loving which is A LOT slower than my pace of doing.

What good is getting stuff done if we miss the opportunities to learn and love in the meantime? In weeks like this one, I’m tempted to answer that there’s a lot of good in getting stuff done…but then I grumble that I know that’s not the right attitude. After all, I’m teaching something to my kids whether I just water the terrarium myself or support them doing it. Maybe when I model what we need to do, I can also groove new habits for myself about slowing down to the pace of love.

40 thoughts on “At the Pace of Love”

  2. Speaking about love and the idea of “in jun,” you might want to see the new Korean film “Past Lives.” Thoughtful, sweet, touching, and well- paced. A story about the strange thing called love. In the theaters, but not yet streaming.

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  3. In good and future news Wynne I can assure you it gets easier when you find you are only caring for and about yourself. Both “letting things go” and “doing it all now” take on completely different meanings when the impact is centered (mostly) on the self 😉

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  4. What a great reminder to cherish the moment Wynne. I completely relate, sometimes it’s easier and faster to just do it yourself, but then we miss out on so much that happens in between. Like that awesome conversation with Miss O. It’s tough though, I recognize that, because the clock keeps ticking. Love however finds it’s own pace and we need to settle in to its rhythm to really enjoy life.

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    1. I love this comment that is so in-line with one of your core principles of slowing down. Yes, we need to settle in to love’s pace, don’t we? Thanks, for a lovely perspective, Alegria!

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  5. I feel the push/pull you’ve described. Deb’s right – it does get easier and resisting the temptation now to ‘do it all’ is a challenge. I’m the same way. By the time it takes me to explain…LOL…but I love the reminder to slow things down. Always good to hear. 🥰

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    1. I love that Wynne really does know what the path for herself and family should be. I’m not sure I ever really learned that when the kids were young. I regret that still.

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      1. For me it’s definitely a maturity thing — I never would have stopped to consider if I’d had kids 20 years ago. As for you, Deb, I think that you can even express that regret means that that self-awareness must pervade your relationships with your kids now and I bet supersedes any specific regret.

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  6. Thanks, Wynne. It’s a good lesson I’m still learning. If a job needs doing and I can do it and cross it off my list then why not?! You’re right – having the wisdom to discern whether the action is more important than the relationship is a good thought to ponder. I know I don’t always get it right!

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    1. I love the way you put it Malcolm – “The wisdom to discern whether the action is more important than the relationship.” Wow – that it is it in a sentence. I know I don’t always get it right for sure!

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  7. The conundrum(s) of being a doer. I understand your frustrations completely. I will say, I wish I could go back and learn the lesson under the direction of a young family again. Cherish these days, dear Wynne. They are fleeting. These days I find myself realizing I spent way too much of my life worrying about the “next thing that needs doing”, and missing out on the joy of now. 🙂

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    1. I am soaking this comment in, Susan, because it feels like so much truth to me. Cherish these days for sure and I love hearing that from a fellow doer!! Thank you!

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  8. The pace of love… so true! I understand that sometimes we just need to be expedient when there isn’t the time or energy for lessons! We’re human!

    On another note, the terrarium might not be sealed properly, or have been opened by curious kids, thus releasing the much needed moisture, kind of like opening the oven when baking choux pastry! Apart from adding water, it may need to be sealed!

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    1. Good point about the terrarium. It also might have had more direct light than it was intended.

      And we’re human – thank you for that grace, Tamara!

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      1. The mistake we make when we “know better” is to forget to give ourselves space and grace to be human when we just aren’t capable of living on the enlightened road 100% of the time. We forget that we’re human beings who will sometimes just need to operate on a simpler level.

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  9. As a doer by nature who thoroughly believes in the philosophy of taking the opportunity to turn everyday experiences and challenges into lessons, I’m struggling with finding the right balance in your situation. (I’m with Deb and Vicki that this gets a lot easier when your kids are older.) I can think of a number of instances where one of my kids or grandkids stood their ground on some unbelievably wrong-headed points (like putting more brown sugar – continuously – on his cereal because he needed to see it and it had dissolved into the milk!), and the opportunity for learning a lesson was fleeting or non-existent. I guess what I’d suggest is that the philosophy is sound-ish! Wynne, you have my permission to cut yourself some slack. Prioritize. Some of the things you just want to get done can just get done! 😊

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    1. I am thoroughly enjoying your comment, Jane. I love the perspective from fellow doers because you see me. Okay, cut myself some slack and prioritize. That’s good. I suppose the other part is boundaries of what is mine and isn’t mine to fix – I can see how that gets easier as they get older! Thank you!

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      2. Wynne, this is my point too! I’m a grandmother now of teens, and I have seen that these truths are universal for all of us. It’s okay to just go simpler for a while! That can also be our body and mind’s way of managing our energies wisely so we don’t burn out!

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  11. Oh boy—what a conundrum! It’s a balancing act for sure, no matter which way you tilt it. Your musings remind me that whatever is done out of love is the right answer, whether it’s tilted in favor of one’s self or another. I think the real trick is to simply do the best we can and love and accept ourselves without judging whether we got it right. It’s all about intention. After all—we’re all in this classroom together, here for the sole purpose of learning whatever it is that we’re here to learn. That thought eases my mind when I get my knickers in a twist over something that I did or didn’t do, or thought I should or shouldn’t have done. The way I see it, Wynne, is that you can’t get it wrong no matter how hard you try because your intentions are always good and honorable, and you lead with your heart. So there! 😃

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    1. I always slow down to soak in your wisdom and encouragement, Julia, and reap the huge rewards. You make such a good point about intention. The other word that jumps out at me from what you say is “without judging.” Right…such a good point. Thank you, my dear friend!

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      1. Slow down and soak. What a good reminder to chill when things get overwhelming. That’s my current state of being—feeling so overwhelmed with stuff to do that I need to spend more time meditating. You’re a great role model for that. Thank you! 😘

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  13. Your father knew best – ““We just need to love people where they are at, wherever that is.” It works for me because it slows me down to the pace of loving which is A LOT slower than my pace of doing.”

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  14. Lovely post Wynne.
    Yes, when my children were young, it was easier for me to complete the tasks than waiting for them to do them. But, when one of my family members told me that I spoon feed too much, I learned to step back . As you said, “It works for me because it slows me down to the pace of loving which is A LOT slower than my pace of doing.
    If something doesn’t get done, so be it. Now that my children have grown up, I suggest once and then back off. Mind you, it is not easy for me, a mother to want to do things done for them. But I try.
    Love

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    1. I love what you say about backing off not being easy. Yes, I feel that. Thank you for weighing in to remind me that I’m not alone in this challenge – in fact, I’m in good company! Thank you, dear Chaya! ❤

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  16. Slowing down to the pace of love…I love that! I appreciate the message here, that it can’t be all about “doing” in this life, because the long lasting value is truly in the “loving”. At least that’s my take 🙂

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