Family Dynamics

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“Gotta move different when you want different.” – unknown

Last Monday I got frustrated with Miss O when we were getting ready for school. Or should I say, not getting ready for school. I prompted her five times to get her shoes on, she got mad at me for repeating myself. I told her that I wouldn’t have to repeat myself if she would put her shoes on…nothing new. I’m sure a conversation that happens between kids and parents in households all over the world since the beginning of time. Or at least since shoes became a thing.

So we were both irritated when I dropped her off to school. And then Mr. D was silent as we drove on. By the time we walked in the front door of his pre-school, it was clear that he was upset. We sat in the chairs outside his classroom for a while, and then had a tearful drop-off which is unusual for Mr. D.

This has happened enough times for me to discern the pattern – Mr. D is so attuned to the emotions of the household that any disturbances in our mostly good natured vibe affect him, even when the upset doesn’t involve him.   

Wow, families are complex. Now I don’t have to just be responsible for my own emotions but also the impact that I’m having on the group and vice versa?

I think about what it was like in my family growing up. My sister was usually upset about something, my brother was tired of hearing her complain and just disconnected, and I felt that I needed to be no problem since my parents were having to deal with my sister. It’s a pattern we maintain, by and large, to this day.

My mathematical nature likes patterns – they are so useful to predict what will happen next. But sometimes patterns just hold us in a mindless call and response. Until one person breaks out by saying, “I’m so tired of this banter that keeps us from saying anything real,” the other person(s) in the pattern may not realize there is something habitual that has been holding everyone in place.

Thinking back to my little family, I think this applies too. When I get tired of the same conversation about the same shoes, I’m always surprised how effective it is to change the dynamic by changing the order. Shoes before breakfast helps break the stalemate. What’s harder is changing the natural tendency that Mr. D has to carry the tension. Maybe that’s a case of where making it visible helps to dispel it. Hopefully that works because we aren’t going to stop wearing shoes.

I’ve written a companion piece on the Heart of the Matter blog about some advice I got from a friend long ago to never back a kid into a corner and instead always offer them a way out: Building Bridges to Each Other. Please check it out if you have a moment.

(featured photo is a pair of Converse high tops that Miss O got as hand-me-downs)

51 thoughts on “Family Dynamics”

  1. Pingback: Building Bridges to Each Other – The Heart of the Matter

  2. Intriguing post, Wynne. For the most part, it sounds like very normal family dynamics. But I’m impressed by Mr D’s responses; it sounds like you’ve got an impressively empathic little boy on your hands. Typically, in my experience, kids that young (and older) are mostly concerned by what’s impacting THEM, not their brothers or sisters, and boys even more so than girls. He may seem overly sensitive, but he’s a keeper!! 😊

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    1. Thanks for this perspective, Jane. What an insightful observation about kids mostly being concerned with themselves and I appreciate you helping me to see that. Yep, I think I’ll keep him… 🙂 ❤

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      1. Yes, it does seem like Mr. D is like a lightening rod for people’s emotions. Empaths need to be taught how to handle this, how to separate from where they end and the other person begins. Unfortunately empaths tend to attract narcissists, who spin a web, making the empath feel extremely needed, so they then go out of their way to provide and cater to the needs of their partner.

        I know, I’m getting ahead of the age/life phase, but it is something to keep in mind for the future!

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  3. Though I am well past the “shoes before breakfast” phase, I am so aware that as you share the experience of your family dynamic, you are a blessing to those who are still in it. We are all so connected at the hip that what is true for one is true for another—not necessarily all, but some. Every time you share from the heart, you give voice to another. And—you take me on a spin through my own journey in search of where I might make the occasional adjustment in attitude! Thank you!

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    1. Julia, I can’t imagine that there is any adjustment in attitude that you have yet to make – but I love your willingness to consider it. Just one of the many ways that keeps you so open and delightful!! ❤

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  4. Oh these morning routines and struggles are always the worst cuz they help set the tone for the rest of the morning or day.

    I love that Mr D is so attuned to the family dynamics and emotions. And that you are willing to change things around to get a different result.

    Hope the rest of your week gets better. We’re sprinting towards the end of the school year. 9 days to go for us over here!

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  5. Look at how tuned in to Mr. D YOU are Wynne- while he is tuning in to the friction around him. Honestly I don’t remember being anything but frustrated in moments like that and I bet on my life that I wasn’t aware if anyone besides myself was feeling less than positive in those moments. You have that focus and awareness- something I never learned when the kids were young- and you focus on changing up the routines. I say Bravo mom! 🙂

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    1. What a generous comment, Deb. Thank you! I suppose with just the three of us, it might be easier to sort out. Especially on days where it’s markedly different. But I so appreciate and love your encouragement! 🙂

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  6. Just sigh! Having raised 3 on my own, your stories so take me back. I never could break my son’s feeling of responsibility for us all.

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  7. I never cracked ANY of the shoe-type stuff so I have no comment to make! My strategy now is to feed them, make their pakced lunches and then retire to my bedroom to read a book while they fight out the last bit between them!

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  8. I had problems getting my son to school on time. My dad kept telling me to let him be late and suffer the consequences. When he drove himself to school in high school, he had a teacher who had him pay a quarter each day he was late. It never bothered my son at all, where being late is something I can’t stand. As a grown up, he’s never late for work, so I guess now it’s important to him.

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      1. I didn’t let my son fail in grade school through high school. Then his freshman year of college he got a letter that he wasn’t going to be admitted for the next year! He had graduated as valedictorian in high school. We were shocked. But he worked through it, he contested their decision. He had fallen off his bike and broken his hand Spring quarter and had to return home for surgery, numerous follow up doctor appointments. We should have let him take a hardship withdrawal for Spring Quarter due to the surgery, but he solved the issue on his own, was readmitted and never got a bad grade again.

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  9. It sounds like a good idea, Wynne. Children will test us — everything in us. We do best when we discover more of who we are because the kids touch something that’s long been there. You’ll figure it out.

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  10. I like how you change the stalemate. I was very annoyed when our grandson came to stay with us several years ago with his two dogs and would not get up early to take them out. My husband kept telling me it was the dynamics of teenagers. I suffered in silence sometimes taking them out myself. The good news is he did become a responsible adult and the dogs are still around, so I guess they got over it but we did have some go to the bathroom on our floor…luckily this was before we had a new one put in!

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  11. Little Mr. D’s natural tendency to carry the emotions, the tension…all the undercurrents…oh my. I feel that on a lot of levels and your parenting wisdom to draw those negative bits into the light to dispense with them – however possible – feels like sweet relief for him (for you, for Miss O)…but I must admit, I feel it especially for him. Oh…what we learn along the way in parenting. And you? I don’t think you ever miss a moment to pause, reflect, pivot. xo! 🥰

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    1. I love your comment “Oh…what we learn along the way in parenting.” Right! I think I probably miss plenty moments to reflect and pause — but thankfully the lesson is repeated until I do and then sometimes more after that. 🙂 But thank you for the lovely comment, my dear friend!

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  13. Great strategy to change up the routine. I just read your other piece and it just occurred to me that when anyone is backed into a corner they’ll either retreat fearfully or come out swinging. Building bridges is a great solution.

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  14. All of this resonates, but the “mathematical nature” paragraph especially so!

    There’s a Buffy episode, “I Only Have Eyes for You,” that’s been on my mind the last few months. While I considered the episode a throwaway until the last few months, it’s been an important touchpoint for me recently. When all we know is one patterned call and response, how do we break it? How do we introduce a new element to step out of that and create new possibilities?

    Fortunately, this needn’t involve the extraordinary script-swaps present in the Buffy episode. Often, just changing the timing (as with the shoes, a struggle here, too) really does do the trick. 🙂

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    1. I love how you put it as a call/response. And how often do we miss that we are doing it because it’s a pattern? Maybe the whole key is awareness – whether it be from a Buffy episode, a heart tug, or someone refusing to say their part? Such great questions, Deborah!!

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  17. Not your point I realize, but you consider your mathematical nature for the reason you like patterns, while I see my artsy nature for the reason I like finding patterns. Same pattern-seeking behavior, attributed to almost opposite things. Aren’t we human beings fascinating?

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    1. Ahh, so interesting, Ally! I think this points to a unified theory of things because math underlies a lot of art in the harmony of chords and distance between objects. Perhaps I would have been better to say that “because I’m human, I like patterns.” 🙂 Love this discussion!

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  18. I had similar issues with my daughter brushing her hair when she was younger. Turned into a real battle of wills at times. The only solution was to let her leave the house looking like a slob, otherwise we were at an impasse.

    Have I mentioned how glad I am that my kids are grown-ass adults now??

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  19. I remember those mornings and the shoe conundrum! I used to transform the tension by challenging them to wear two different shoes! The stranger the better. Then I would do the same! Warning. This only works a few time a year! The rest of the time I’d take them in their socks with shoes thrown in the back. Then I’d wait while they hopped around putting their shoes on in front of friends! It’s a balancing act to get kids off to school with smiles but that was always my goal. Hugs, C

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    1. Cheryl – you have the best ideas!! I wish you could ride shotgun for some of these mornings but at least I have your ideas to keep me going!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  21. Pingback: compassion, ugh, dammit. – Deborah L. Robinson

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