Being Different

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“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” – Dalai Lama

I’ve only met one other person who intentionally choose to have kids as a single parent. Of course, I’ve heard of plenty, and known a lot of wonderful people who have become single parents because of circumstance, including my dear blog friends. I also know others that think they’d be better off as parents without their partners. Clearly, there are so many ways to do this parenting thing and no matter how we do it, it comes with plenty of challenges.

But back to the story about the woman I met who intentionally became a single parent. I was with my kids at the local wading pool last summer when I started talking to a woman who was there with her five-year-old twin girls. We hadn’t talked long when she revealed that she had chosen to become a single parent at 50-years-old and was just in town for a couple of weeks to visit her mom because she and the twins lived on the East Coast. She also had a 16-year-old son from a previous marriage.

Does it matter to meet people who have made similar life choices? It took me a long time trying everything else that I thought would work to have a family before I moved forward to become a single parent. It felt so vulnerable to have to intentionally walk down this path. As if everyone would know that I was the one that wanted to have kids and I couldn’t hide behind a “shared decision.” I’m laughing as I type this because now I don’t care at all if people know that. Hello? Obvious, please meet irrelevant.

And I thought it would signal that I wasn’t capable of a relationship. Well, that may or may not be true but again, who cares? After all, I created two people that I now have a relationship with so that worry seems beside the point.

But the instinctive social programming to not be different is strong, isn’t it? And I know you all are nodding because I believe there’s something each of us have done differently that caused angst – maybe being a vegetarian in a family of meat eaters, moving away from a family home, being an introvert, being an extrovert, going to college, not going to college, coming out, getting divorced, the list goes on and on.

In the case of meeting this woman who also chose to become a single parent, I’m glad that I didn’t meet her before I choose to have kids because she might have made me more neurotic about walking this path. She kept asking me over and over again, “People in your life didn’t tell you not to do this?” And I answered repeatedly, “Nope.” She was distracted, overwhelmed by her young daughters, and not at peace, like she was in the midst of some battle with naysayers.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt that life was more stressful because she was traveling. I know that without the regular supports of routine and familiarity, being alone with two kids, no matter how you got there, is harder.

But it reminded me we all represent something to someone – whether it be a choice, a lifestyle, a belief, an attitude, or anything else remarkable. Would I recommend choosing single parenthood to everyone? No, for a lot of reasons, including the fact that I adored my dad and I think it would be great if everyone had at least one awesome dad in their life.

But do I want people that I meet to know that parenting, even when, or especially if, you choose it later in life, is full of joy, inspiration, and wonder? Absolutely!

Do I want anyone that I meet to feel a little energy and inspiration for whatever notion inside them tells them to do something in a non-traditional way? For sure!

Do I want to represent the message that there is goodness when we stop caring what other people think and pursue our dreams? Most definitely.

I think about that sometimes when I’m out with my delightful little ones. Who knows who we are going to meet and how we’ll rub off on them. Let’s hope it’s for good.

Speaking of people who inspire for the good, this week Vicki and I got to talk with writer, and blogger, E.A. Wickham on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast. Elizabeth reveals so much inspiration and wisdom about leading a creative life: Episode 21: A Creative Life with Elizabeth Wickham.

It’s a great episode, please give it a listen and subscribe! Search for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Spotify, or PocketCasts or click on the link above.

48 thoughts on “Being Different”

  1. Like you, I hope the woman’s heightened distraction and concern about being different were caused by travel. Yes, it’s scary, yes you sometimes feel like you’re on an island, but the good things far outnumber the bad. Right off the bat, I think of the freeing experience, when you know you’re being yourself. I know that’s how it is for me. I get that fear that says, “oh crap, what have I done” and then as time goes on, I’m like, “yes, this is the right place for me.” I hope she gets to experience that feeling. “Do I want to represent the message that there is goodness when we stop caring what other people think and pursue our dreams? Most definitely.” Good for you Wynne! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “yes, this is the right place for me.” What a beautiful way to describe the flow and knowledge that comes in to stomp out the fear. The good things far outnumber the bad. Yes! Thank you, Brian!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. So, so much is revealed in the questions people ask, like the acquaintance at the pool. I think you had the wisdom to receive while also recognizing the source:

    “People in your life didn’t tell you not to do this?” And I answered repeatedly, “Nope.” She was distracted, overwhelmed by her young daughters, and not at peace, like she was in the midst of some battle with naysayers.

    Like you, I wish her well! Tuning out the chatter/noise isn’t always easy. 🥰

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You are so insightful about the questions people ask. Yes, they are so revealing, aren’t they? But tuning out the chatter – right, it is not easy! Thank you, dear Vicki!! ❤

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  4. My very simplistic take on this post is the advice ‘YOU DO YOU’ and embrace that all the way. Yes to being non-traditional! Yes to letting go of what others think! Maybe on the flip side how about Yes to not judging others decisions even when they are different from ours 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love your point about not judging others decisions – exactly!! When we do us, I think it frees us and also leaves us with the obligation not to judge others!! Thanks for the great comment, Deb!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Love the photo of you three. There are so many different ways to do this family thing and thank goodness. I think having twins must be an extra challenge. I’m glad for your loving example of parenthood.

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    1. What a beautiful statement, “There are so many different ways to do this family thing and thank goodness.” Yes! And you’re right – twins must be hard!! Thank you, Rebecca!

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  6. Like you and other commenters, I hope the mother’s anxiety was just circumstantial. That sounds like a heavy weigh to carry around daily. I really appreciate your point about how each of us has done something different from the “norm” that caused angst, and I find it fascinating that it can be an absolutely debilitating feeling… until we decide that our personal needs, wants, and desires are more important than what society wants for us. That may happen in our 20s or our 80s, if ever, but it’s a change that inevitably makes life easier. P.S., the picture is the sweetest thing!!! 🥰

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh, I love this, “I find it fascinating that it can be an absolutely debilitating feeling… until we decide that our personal needs, wants, and desires are more important than what society wants for us. ” Yes!! Absolutely debilitating — and then we figure it out. Right! And thanks for the lovely comment!

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  7. The questions people ask often tell me more about their angst than they realize that they do. I know one woman irl who intentionally chose to have a child by herself– and she deals with some raised eyebrows at times. People can be weird.

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    1. “People can be weird.” My dad used to say that all the time. I love it, Ally. So true about the questions – it’s so fascinating what we reveal unintentionally.

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  9. I so, so wish I had words adequate to express how deeply these words hit me right in the heart of my heart. I don’t. So …

    💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

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  10. For me the crux of the matter is that we’re all different. It’s about stepping up and taking responsibility for the way we choose to show our difference. You’ve done a great job, Wynne in accepting and demonstrating your difference! I love the way you stand proud and say, ‘This is me!’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love what you say about stepping up and taking responsibility for the way we choose to show our differences, Malcolm. Yes, it seems to go a lot better when we do that!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. You are a wonderful mother and enjoy the journey! Love this too – ““People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” – Dalai Lama

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Being a parent is a very difficult job, as any parent knows. Being a single mom is difficult times 2+, for not only are we required to be a mom, but step into the dad role too. Then there’s the opinions, some well-meaning from folks who know how hard the job is, and then there are the moral, pearl-clutchers who may come from very traditional backgrounds who have been taught that single moms are morally loose or something.

    I experienced all of the above when I was a single mom – it goes with the territory. My daughter is now 34, and she has experienced the same types of opinions from people as I did when she became a single mom. She has a double load from what I carried, not just because she has 3 kids, but she heard all the negative comments being said about me when she was growing up, plus she got multiple earfuls from people in her community.

    Whether a single mom by choice or by circumstances, that’s a role that gets so much negativity from so many people. There are negative stereotypes, and unfortunately, the media plays those up when a single mom finds herself in the media spotlight, further fueling people’s opinions.

    Raising well-adjusted kids who become adults who contribute positively to their communities is a Herculean task for any person in today’s world.

    Kudos to you for being a wonderful mom who is just doing the best she can!

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    1. “Raising well-adjusted kids who become adults who contribute positively to their communities is a Herculean task for any person in today’s world.” – Yes, Tamara!! And huge kudos to doing that with your daughter and your grandkids. I love the family you’ve created! Thanks for the wonderful comment!

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      1. Thank you ma’am! I appreciate your supportive words! Hope your weekend is awesome!

        Liked by 1 person

  14. “…there is goodness when we stop caring what other people think and pursue our dreams…” – Amen!

    Each of us is a unique creation designed by our Creator with unique gifts, dreams, passions and personalities to pursue, enjoy, and become all we were meant to be for ourselves and others, respectfully unhindered by what others may think. Perhaps in the process some good will ‘rub off’ on those who think we rub them the wrong way.

    Keep on keeping on Wynne!

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    1. “respectfully unhindered” – I love that phrase, Fred. I think I might change my blog name to that. 🙂

      Thank you for the lovely and affirming comment, Fred!! I love your comment about how we might rub off on people who think we’re rubbing them the wrong way!! Love it!!

      Like

  15. After my first daughter was born, I learned that everyone has an opinion on everything to do with parenting. No matter what you do, they are quick to judge and tell you you’re doing it wrong. In the end you chart your own path. I have a lot of respect for single parents whether it’s by choice or circumstance. It’s a tough job even with someone to share the load.

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  16. I love being an ‘older’ parent. In my 20s & 30s I never would have had the patience and presence to meet the level of parenting I believe is necessary. When I moved to my small, conservative town, I heard over and over (from women) that they applauded my willingness to co-parent — a word I’d never heard before. In my previous life in Wash DC, all my friends ‘co-parented’. From my perspective, it wasn’t a choice, it’s just what happens after you decide to have kids. You give 100% of yourself. I feel bad for the other single mom in your story. It doesn’t sound like she took the time to decide if she was ready to hand herself over to needy little critters again. I couldn’t start over. Once was enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can imagine that starting over would be terribly hard. I also think that other mom had a more complex back story – maybe she used embryos from her previous marriage and they might have brought with them expectations…

      I love that your statement about giving 100% when you have kids – what an awesome perspective!

      Like

  17. Sounds like an encounter you were meant to have, Wynne, to remind you of the right path you’ve taken.

    Having the courage to do something differently or not seen as the norm can feel isolating at times but as you said, the rewards you reap are so worth it.

    It’s nice that you use your platform to share your testimony with others and to shine some light on a path that may not yet be lit for them. And yes, who cares what others think! 😊👍

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    1. I love this comment about that encounter was one I was meant to have. Thank you for pointing that out, Ab! And I love your phrase, “shine some light on a path that may not yet be lit for them.” Beautiful words!

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  18. Wynne, you are an inspiration for many in so many ways. Brava! Your fearless choices have put you where you are now. You can’t get better confirmation than that. Being different is hard and sometimes painful. Giving up on a dream is worse.

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  19. I have had to fight, wiggle, and squeeze my way out of my people pleaser tendencies but I think I see light at the end of the tunnel! It’s a difficult process but such a valuable stepping stone on your way to self realization, well-being, and happiness. I applaud your courage Wynne. You did it your way and it appears to be your best decision ever…Hugs, C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are amazing, Cheryl. You can make a comment sound like pure poetry. Yes to fight, wiggle and squeezing out of people pleasing as a way towards self realization, well-being and happiness. Beautiful!!

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