The Power of Friends

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“Friendship helps our souls grow.” Michel de Montaigne

I worked for a small, local computer consulting firm right after I graduated from college in the early 90’s. Nestled in the suburb right next to Microsoft, it was growing fast – doubling every year. Most of the new employees were my age and it was a fun working environment in which it was easy to make new friends.

So when I recently heard a Ten Percent Happier podcast with psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland, Dr. Marisa G. Franco who has recently written a book called Platonic quote the statistic that we typically have the most friends at age 25 when we are establishing our identity, it matched with my experience.

Dr. Franco had a lot of interesting stats about friendships these days like four times as many people report having no friends as compared to the early 90’s and 2012, the year of the introduction of the smart phone, correlates with a rise in loneliness. One of the interesting things she added about smart phones and social media is that when we use them to connect with people (aka comment and message) and not just lurk, they can be useful tools in supporting friendships.

She also talked about how friends help us grow. Alone, we have an instinct to be on the lookout for danger that can be calmed when we cultivate good connections:

“Healthy and quality connections and it can ground us and center us more, our souls grow because it gives us the space to figure out who we are because we’re not in that active state of threat anymore. Friendship, good quality friendship, good quality connection it regulates us, it helps us feel less activated all the time, less reactive all the time.”

Dr. Marisa G. Franco

I feel so blessed to be part of this blogging community where it has felt easy to create quality connections with other delightful, thoughtful, and interesting people. Establishing friendships with other parents in this phase of life of having young kids has felt much harder by contrast. Dr. Franco’s research on how attachment theory applies to friendships and making new friends is the topic of my Wise & Shine post for today: The Art and Science of Making New Friends

(featured photo from Pexels)

35 thoughts on “The Power of Friends”

  1. That is a very interesting stat, Wynne, about having the most friends at age 25. It also correlates with my experience too, and definitely the 20s we’re about establishing my identity too post university.

    I do agree that social media and smartphones have done the opposite – by making us more isolated and feel alone. The irony of it all. I was looking around the dining room at our resort and see so many people on their phones instead of talking to one another – my own table guilty of it as well.

    I think that’s why I appreciate the blogging community. You get to dig deeper with people through what they share and comment on. Openness and vulnerability help for sure too!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. The irony of it all – right! I do it with my kids when we go out to eat as well. They love having their tablets.

      I couldn’t agree more about the blogging community. I’m so grateful that it has allowed me to connect with you and others and that feels like real connection.

      Enjoy the rest of your time away!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I relate to those statistics too. On a different note, having one’s head in one’s phone while dining alone is a shield of sorts. It tells people “I may be here alone, but I have many friends and I’m conversing with them right now”. I have dined alone, put away my phone, and people look uncomfortable to be watched, it seems creepy these days to sit and people watch! It then becomes a closed loop that is difficult to break free from, for who wants to look like a creeper? Not me! LOL!

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  4. I think that is a very realistic statistic Wynne- the 20 something friendships and defining identity. I think we’ve talked about this a bit before, but I find I have almost always had situational friendships, and very few really close and lasting ones. Blogging is different though, not that I can really explain why- oddly I might say safer in some ways? The folks I blog with though probably know more about me than I often know about myself 😉

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    1. I’m laughing about the blogging friends know more about you than you know about yourself…Funny but true in an odd way! 🙂

      Situational friendships – I know exactly what you mean. They’re almost like alliances more than friendships sometimes it seems to me.

      Thanks for weighing in, Deb!

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  5. That statistic is a reality for me, Wynne. I had way more “traditional” friendships at that age than any other time in my life. Social media has brought about the ability to forge a different kind of friendship at a distance, and yet I am sure many consider those relationships to have “more depth” than the face-to-face ones they had years ago.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love how many of us can relate to that statistic about friendships at age 25. You are so right about the different kinds of friendships with social media and the depth. With writing at least, it feels like it’s natural to lead with vulnerability.

      Thanks for adding this to the conversation, Bruce!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I appreciate all of the comments — but what Deb said about ‘situational’ friendships was akin to what I was going to share. Friendships created from common goals – not necessarily common interests or attachment – as Dr. Franco says, can be very, very short-term. I find I’ve become choosier about who I let in…and agree that the blogging community, despite its virtual nature, provides rich and wonderful depth in the ‘getting to know you’ game. Cheers to all the blogging buddies and to you for your lovely post, Wynne! 🥰

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Cheers to all the blogging buddies – yes!! It is rich and deep, I totally agree. Much better that those situational friendships, that’s so spot on! Thanks, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. I had the most friends at 25 too. I also had more friends when I was the mom of two little ones than I do now. We lived in a kidless neighborhood had to make an effort to get together with our children in the park or each other’s homes. After that were school mom friends and swim team friends. Now that we’re empty nesters and moved to a new state, I’m grateful for the handful of lifetime friendships.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The lifetime friendships are wonderful, aren’t they? Thank goodness for those! I remember before kids it was having a dog that got me out seeing my neighbors and I certainly do that with my kids too – but in the winter months, it feels like we all go into our houses and hibernate. So many reasons it gets harder. Thanks for weighing in, Elizabeth!

      Liked by 2 people

  8. In my experience there are more friends within the blogging community than in real life. It’s easier to get together via the written word than in the real world, especially since Covid-19. Plus people in real life move away, reinvent themselves, and seem to forget about the people who they used to know who might know too much about their pasts. 😉

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  9. I can only echo what you’re saying here, Wynne. Had lots of friends till marriage, and then our social lives gradually dwindled to just the four of us (wife, kids and me). Then blogging happened, and I found a growing core of “delightful, thoughtful, and interesting people” like you who I value as real friends!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Delightful, thoughtful, and interesting people — yes! I’m so grateful to have met you and for this community. And this is amplified by the fun it was to talk with you for the podcast – such a great conversation and I can’t wait for that to go live on Friday! Thanks, Mitch!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I concur. My twenties and then the ten years when my kids were in grade school (my forties) were the most social of my life. I’m in that no friend group now and I keep trying to figure out how to break out if it.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. So interesting that you have commented on many of my recent thoughts on Friendship Wynne. In fact my latest video talks about this topic,though does not delve as deeply as I’d like to.
    Technology has advanced us in many ways, while altering how we socialize. Based on my observations it has made it much worse. Unfortunately 25 year olds today complain a lot about not having good friends. It’s not the quantity that may be altered, it’s the quality of those friendships. Great post. As always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an interesting point you make of quality versus quantity, Alegria. That makes a lot of sense. It feels to me like something we need to help young people navigate – how to use the technology without letting it shape the size of their world. Can’t wait to see your new video – I’m off to find it now. Love this wonderful comment, as always!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  14. “Alone, we have an instinct to be on the lookout for danger…”
    This has certainly been my tendency, as someone who struggled — especially in my 20s — to forge and maintain connections with others. I was 60 before I began my journey as a recovering social media avoider, and it has changed my life with enriching connections here and in real life. Thank you for another thought-provoking post, Wynne. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a thought-provoking comment, Natalie. I can imagine that your adventure of moving to another country has given you so much additional perspective on both danger and connection via social media. I’m so glad to still be in touch with you over all these miles, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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