The Road to Gratitude is Paved With Things Going Wrong

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“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.” – Maya Angelou

A couple of weeks ago Mr. D was silent on the way home from school on a Thursday. It was a special, I’m 3-years-old and I have no words for it but I’m about to be sick kind of quiet. And sure enough, within a couple of hours, he had a temperature of 101 and was coughing.

As I kept him home from school on Friday, I was so grateful that he’d have the weekend to heal. Then charting out the typical course of illness for my little family, I was grateful that Miss O would probably make it until her mid-winter break before she caught the cold. And then I was grateful that it wasn’t Covid.

In other words, I was filled with all sorts of gratitude in the midst of something going wrong. As I was juggling my work schedule to take care of a sick child, I felt the full force of what I had to be thankful for.

“Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice.”

Brené Brown in the Gifts of Imperfection

Brené’s quote ties together gratitude and joy. But for me, I think there’s another relationship at play – that is with optimism. When I’m feeling hopeful and optimistic, I don’t spend much time on gratitude because I assume everything is going to work out. It’s only when they aren’t going swimmingly that I reconnect with gratitude and begin the upward spiral.

I’ve described myself as a congenital optimist. But I have a daily rhythm where I slide from hope to hopelessness. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted, my inner critic is in full force, and I find myself feeling more often than not, that my efforts in any or every area or all for naught.

Listening to my inner voice at 8pm the other night when my kids went to bed, I noticed this different tone. I was critical at myself for not putting away their cups of special sparkling apple juice when my kids went to brush their teeth so that when my son drank a sip of it after he brushed his teeth, all I could imagine were little sugar cavity bugs eating his enamel all night. And, in my head, I was angry at my kids for leaving a squishy toy on the floor that I veered away from only to hit my knee on the cabinet.

It’s easy to blame my bad nightly attitude and tiredness on my kids. But before I had kids, it was the same time of day that I’d start drinking wine so perhaps I just naturally accumulate dust during the day that makes me less sparkly.

But it’s during those hours when I’m less sparkly that I’m most grateful. That helps me to sleep and re-attach to my optimism.  It’s a cycle from optimism to darkness, then to gratitude which fills me with joy. I’ve noticed it is a full-circle that feeds itself as it progresses. It keeps me in touch with what’s important – which is most obvious when I’m in the down part of the loop.

In part I noticed this cycle because of a podcast I did with Libby Saylor (aka The Goddess Attainable) about her post Really Listen to the Way We Talk To Ourselves. In this delightful and illuminating conversation, we talk about self-compassion, dating and the mirror of love, and healing wounds from our families of origin. It was Libby that got me really listening to myself and focused on a lovely goal – to listen to myself (in any part of the cycle) with love.

I’d love for you to listen to our podcast.  Join us by following this link: Episode 6: Really Listen to the Way We Talk To Ourselves to listen on Anchor. You can also find it on Apple, Amazon, Spotify and Pocket Casts by searching for Sharing the Heart of the Matter.  Please subscribe!

43 thoughts on “The Road to Gratitude is Paved With Things Going Wrong”

  2. I love that Libby and you are focusing on self compassion. If I’ve learned anything as a parent, it’s that grace and self compassion are musts. I try each day to be perfect, I try to be mistake-free, but I’m human. We as parents need to recognize that mistakes are going to happen, cups of apple juice are going to be left out on the table, but to trust that the nightly brushing will keep away the cavity gremlins. Others may feel different, but I think a life without self compassion and grace is a dark existence and one that I’d rather not try. Thanks for the timely post Wynne. You’re doing a great job with your kids — they’re safe, they’re inquisitive and learning about the world around them, they cared for and know that they’re loved — that’s what matters. IMHO.

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    1. What a lovely and gracious comment, Brian. I really love the way you put it – life without self-compassion and grace is dark indeed. Thanks for this wonderful comment and affirmation!

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  4. This post made me think about our bodies natural rhythms and how tied we are to our earliest ancestors who used those daily patterns and changes to survive.We all are still “surviving” in our own ways each day. I think finding ways to do that and allow for reflection on the good or bad show a level of resiliency we can possibly attribute to those who came before us. They had no idea what to label their winding down routines, sitting by a fire eating the meager bits of food they hunted and finding a moment of quiet before preparing to do it all over again the next day. At least now we have a word for those moments of renewal.

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    1. This is such an interesting comment, Deb. And it’s good that we have the language for renewal – because with all our electricity, we might be pushing ourselves past the daily rhythm of our ancestors. But either way, you’re right – it’s those same natural rhythms. Fascinating!

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  6. You’re inspiring Wynne. To be able to see the positives in all situations and recognise things to be grateful for when things get to you. I think that’s a great ability, and to be admired 😘

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  7. Another encouraging post Wynne!
    “Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice.” I like that quote, and I have discovered – what we say to ourselves we become!

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  9. I hope Mr D is feeling better and that the three of you have a calm and restoring weekend!

    I hear you on feeling the gratitude with extra alertness when things go wrong or when we’ve emerged from a trying period. If only more people could view and approach adversity with this perspective! 🙏

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    1. We are all finally better and I’m grateful it was just a pretty mild cold. I love your comment – especially because you have gone through some trying stuff lately, like your Hubby’s 13 days of Covid, and you embody that perspective and gratitude! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  11. Oh I get every word you say. Listening to ourselves is so important to developing these deeper insights. Truly a beautiful post Wynne. I wish I had the time right now to listen to the podcast. Perhaps later today. Have a wonderful Monday. 🌸

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    1. “Those deeper insights.” Love how you hone in on that, Alegria! And I hope you enjoy the podcast when you have time to listen!! Happy Monday, my friend! ❤

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  13. I love how you expertly weave what’s going on with your kids into what you’re currently learning and practicing.

    Self-awareness is so important isn’t it, especially when it’s about how we speak to ourselves. If we beat ourselves up, we end up feeling so much worse and can spiral down into depression. Your tools to reach for gratitude are incredibly powerful!

    I hope you’ll start to practice suspending judgment on yourself more and more. Remind yourself of all the good things you’re doing, and know that it’s impossible for a parent to have “a perfect score” and not make mistakes! While you are an amazing parent and person, you are still human!

    PS, I hope Mr. D feels better soon!

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    1. Thanks, Tamara — what a lovely, supportive and encouraging comment! Definitely don’t have a perfect score on parenting or anything else so you are right, practicing that suspension of judgment is a great idea. And thanks for the well wishes on Mr. D. He’s all better!! Sending you the best!!

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      1. Glad to hear the little guy is better! Thanks for your well wishes! Yes, please practice suspending judgment! Personally I found it to be a lifesaver that stopped me from sliding down the rabbit hole. I’d take it one day at a time, telling myself “just for today, I can do it for just 1 day”, then reward myself with praise when I did it for 1 day. Sounds corny, but it helped me!

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  14. I’m still learning to say ‘thank you’ when things don’t go my way, because it’s there where I truly get to grow. All my growth never came from the moments when things went just right. Anyway, I might just check the podcast out, and it’s so cool that I know who Libby is too. So it’ll be a fun episode to listen to for sure!

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    1. So well put, Stuart – all the growth that comes from when things don’t go our way. I hope you like the podcast – Libby is awesome! And of course there was the one with Betsy on martial arts that you might like as well!

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