Leading In My Microcosm

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“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

I got angry at my kids yesterday morning. It was a mixture of things – things were tense on a work project so I was already primed and then Miss O’s first words on a Monday morning were “Why does Mr. D get to?” But it was a completely whopper of one – “Why does Mr. D get to sleep in his own bed?”

Umm, it’s as if all the efforts I’ve made to get her to sleep in her own room instead of mine were completely forgotten. The lighting, the sheets, the help cleaning her room, the cozy warm blankets. And I’ve done this multiple times, over and over and still she wanders into my bed in the night or chooses to start there.

So the injustice of the question pricked me and I got angry. I didn’t yell but I said it was a completely unfair question that not only had we had talked about before but also was her choice, walked out of the room and slammed a few cupboards as I was making lunches.

Anger is not an emotion I’m comfortable with. I grew up with an older sister that was consistently angry and my mom can flash pretty hot although she doesn’t do it very often. It’s not that I swallow my anger – it’s that I don’t feel it very often. I feel frustrated, disappointed, discouraged much more often than I feel mad. Or at least so I think.

But it was what happened next that surprised me. My kids didn’t fuss at all at getting ready for school on a Monday morning. They did everything they were supposed to when they were supposed to do it more or less without whining, crying or protesting. They banded together, helped each other, and cooperated beautifully.

In that respect, my anger made things work way better for me. And it made me wonder if it’s such an effective tool, why would I not choose to use it more often? Other than the fact that I’m not a very good actor and couldn’t pull it off.

That’s a theoretical question of course. My experience growing up taught me how corrosive anger is. If I used anger as a tool, I might get what I want on the surface but I wouldn’t have many real relationships – not ones where people were vulnerable and shared. Not relationships where we could dare to explore together. And it would undercut the honest expression of growth and humanity.

It reminds me of the “power over” model. Researcher and author Brené Brown differentiates power over as power that leverages fear as opposed to power to, power with and power within which are collaborative and growth models for power.

In respect to my kids, I might be able to control them better for a time if I tried to pull off a power over model but it feels like it would be a step backwards in all the learning we’ve done to try to acknowledge our emotions and still do what needs to be done. Moreover, it feels like it would prime them to go out into the world thinking that fear is an effective strategy in dealing with others. And my teeny, tiny microcosm, that feels like I’d be adding to the aggression of the world instead of the compassion of the world.

In short, it feels like that the power over/anger/fear model is being a crappy leader. Especially when using Brené Brown’s definition of a leader as “anyone who holds him or herself accountable for finding potential in people or processes.” 

So, on the Monday morning in question, I choose to instead apologize for my anger and we went off to school and work with hugs all around. I sense that I’m choosing a style of parenting that takes more energy for now but in the end benefits our relationships with each other and the world. And that seems worth the effort.

(featured photo from Pexels)

42 thoughts on “Leading In My Microcosm”

  2. I love your honesty in this oh-so-relatable story. The fact that the two, D and O, banded together – probably very aware that your flash of anger/disappointment/frustration was a sign…that mom needed their cooperation. Such a balancing act…like you said, anger can be so corrosive (I love that word to describe it) but you also need to be true to you — your expectations and needs. Such cool reflective thinking on a Tuesday morning, Wynne. Thanks for sharing with us. xo! ❤

    Liked by 5 people

    1. What a thoughtful comment, Vicki! True to ourselves — damn, that’s a hard one for me as a parent. Trying to figure it out as this post shows and I’m so grateful for this kind and understanding comment to help me do so. XOXO!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Responding with anger as a parent is a choice if you do it all the time. Responding with anger on occasion as a parent is normal. The problem, which clearly you do not have Wynne, is not being able to differentiate between a normal *reactionary moment* and living constantly with and in anger. We both know that anger may get things done in the short term as you pointed out but who wants to be the leader/parent who chooses that route and perpetuates anger into the next generation. I like that you are honest with yourself and your kids, allowing them to see good choices in action.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Wow, your phrase “living constantly with and in anger” really is so descriptive. Thank you, Deb, for helping me see the difference between reaction and that. What a gift of a comment this is!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think that in this case your anger was a natural expression of frustration. You had hit a limit. You’d worked on the stay in your bed challenge and still it loomed. Your honesty prompted the kids’ response. We are not perfect and that’s okay. You apologized and it became a family bonding moment. Well done.

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  5. A very interesting post, Wynne. The fact that your kids recognized your (unusual) emotions and responded with respect/alacrity shows that allowing yourself to be “human” every once in awhile is OK. It’s not a bad thing for them to see this side of you when it’s so rare. Give yourself permission to show them that you can feel the same frustrations that they voice at will. 💕

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Wow, Jane – this is such a helpful perspective. The being “human” in this way is so uncomfortable to me that I’m so grateful that you have helped me to see that’s what I was being in that moment. Thank you!

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  7. Anger is indeed corrosive when vented incorrectly. The issue isn’t with feeling anger, the issue is with releasing the anger in an ineffective way that causes damage. You my dear Wynne handled it so well in this situation, that you so honestly shared. I’m not surprised at all by your insight and wisdom. Yes, you’re right, managing our emotions delicately is the harder road, but the payoff is immense. Your little sponges are learning from you, and my they’re going to be amazing insightful adults. They’re already remarkable young people.

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    1. Oh, this comment brought tears to my eyes, Alegria! I love the distinction between feeling anger and releasing it in an effective way that causes damage. Thank you for seeing my “harder road” and affirming the payoff. I so, so appreciate that!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. “I choose to instead apologize for my anger” . . . difficult, but good solution to stifling anger’s conflict.

    It’s our ego that often prevents us from offer 6 powerful relationship healing words . . .

    “I was wrong. Please forgive me ”

    Good job mom☺️

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  9. It seems to me, compared with some of my own reactions of anger, yours was relatively mild.

    And normal.

    It deserves more food for thought; I have several essays in draft format on this topic, because not only did I grow up in an angry environment, I inherited some of these reactions. But more on this later.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thanks for this gift of perspective. I’m looking forward to reading your essays as I think it is an important topic to help with healing and changing things for the next generation. Thank you for chiming in, Claudette!

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  10. Good for you, Wynne. We all need to consider what fits our personalities and circumstances. Evolution offered us a wide range of people and emotions, enabling the species’ survival.

    We are left to fit what our strengths are and when these capacities advance ourselves and the world’s conditions. Continued good luck (and wisdom) in raising your children and figuring out who you are, what you are, and when you are!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an interesting link you point out between our emotions and survival of the species. I think I will need luck to figure out who I am, what I am and when I am…but I’m so grateful for your comments as support as I do, Dr. Stein!

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  11. Wonderful admission of your human quality! I get angry lately in the small things of life but am actually feeling it is very healthy in a way. Have a wonderful day Wynne!

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  12. Such a relatable post and kudos to you for being willing to share. I feel that honesty is a huge compliment to the readers that follow you. Don’t we all have reactions sometimes we wish didn’t, but there we are – human. That we don’t live in that spot always is the goal and mostly we achieve it. – David

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  13. Trying to live a life free of anger is no doubt noble, but unrealistic when parenting! If you aren’t real and honest with your emotions, how are they going to learn that anger is a normal emotion, and how can they themselves manage that emotion?

    I’ve read about families where anger wasn’t expressed, overtly at least, but there were angry undercurrents that punctuated their lives. The people expressed they would have preferred their parents to be honest when they were angry, at least then issues could be talked about.

    We aren’t required to never show anger or irritation, it is how we express it that makes a difference. You aren’t a bad mom for having those feelings!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for this lovely affirmation, Tamara! Such a good point that they learn that it is a normal emotion from my reactions. Right! Great – we can all learn how to manage this together!! Thanks, my friend!

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      1. Any time! I’m enjoying examining guilty feelings to see what is underlying the guilt and to ask if this is something I wish to carry forward with me in the future. Sometimes we just need to flip the script a little.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Anger never leads to productive longterm benefits. Like you, I grew up in a household with hot tempers and I can see the effects now on the relationships.

    But we’re also human and I’m glad you found kindness with yourself in that moment and that your kids also tuned into your emotions and banded together to give you a hassle free morning.

    May you have calmer better mornings ahead for the rest of your week!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your grace, Ab! Everything was back to normal this morning which meant more cajoling and convincing by me but I’m glad to take on that role in order to be a better leader…and parent!

      Hope you all are having a good week!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. An honest and thought-provoking post.
    I like what Tamara says and agree that, “We aren’t required to never show anger or irritation, it is how we express it that makes a difference.”
    I feel it is ok for your little ones to see you display anger once in a blue moon. It is only human. You didn’t rant and rave, just showed your displeasure at Ms.O’s remark. I think Ms. O realized her folly, and the morning went smoothly.
    When I was growing up, my mum used to ask me to put my hands on my waist slowly then count up to 10 slowly and tell her why I was angry. By the time I did that, I became calm and could verbalize my feelings of hurt/anger effectively. She also taught me from young that I shouldn’t say anything when I am very angry because what comes out my mouth may not be pleasant, or what I actually mean to say, and I will not be able to take my words back and come to regret my outburst for a long time. I am so grateful to my mum for that advice.
    You are a wonderful mum, Wynne. And you are a lovely human being too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Chaya, I love your mum. No wonder you are such an amazing and evolved person – passing on her lessons and your own on top of that!

      Yes, such a good point that parents can show anger too. I just need to remember that so thank you for reinforcing that wisdom!! Sending great appreciation and love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I was feeling such admiration for you as I read your post, Wynne. One of the best things we can aim to be is honest with ourselves, and I love that about you!

    Besides that, there’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said (you have some exquisitely insightful and wise readers), but I will tack on this… More than anything, what stands out to me is you apologizing. You’re MODELING to Ms. O and Mr. D how to be reflective, how to respond when we do things we wish we hadn’t, and how to say “I’m sorry.” I think a lot of parents feel they must appear perfect, which does nothing to prepare their kids for navigating their own issues later.

    Appreciate you, friend! 🤍

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, what a beautiful comment, Kendra! I so appreciate you — and your wisdom and insight along with everyone else’s. It’s so helpful and hopeful in this journey of life.

      And you are so right about apologizing. It’s good for me — and good for them.

      Sending lots of love!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I used to think that anger was a useless emotion that was all harm and no good, but when you think about it, anger can actually be a great motivator. Angry at your boss? Dust off your resume and find a new job! Angry at your spouse? Cut your ties and look for a true and lasting love. Angry at your mayor/governor/president? Vote his/her ass out of office!

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    1. Excellent point, Mark! Anger can be a good motivator if we channel it the right way and don’t let it leak on our unintended targets! And I think the evolutionary psychologists say that anger (and fear) are great emotions to get us out of life and death situations!

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  18. Sometimes anger may be useful to set boundaries. The most important thing is learning to let it go quickly, it’s not worth being angry for long time, especially with your beloved ones.

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