It Starts Small

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“In some ways, repeated acts of kindness are preferable to solitary, extraordinary and heroic acts of sacrifice.” – Malcolm Gladwell

It was almost exactly three years ago when I invited a family of strangers to come stay with me for an extended period of time. Here’s how it happened. A young woman attending the university near me was hit by a car while she was jogging. It threw her 30 feet onto a walking path and shattered much of the upper left side of her body – shoulder and neck, resulted in a brain injury and the need to fuse her spine to the base of her skull.

The young woman’s mother, Dawn, lived in Minneapolis and immediately flew out to be with her daughter. I’d never met Dawn but she was a friend of a friend and I’d heard she was sleeping first in the hospital room and then on the floor of her daughter’s room during the recovery so I invited her to use my guest bedroom anytime she needed a good night’s sleep.

Dawn came and then the injured young woman’s living situation got complicated, the young woman came to stay as well. Then the young woman’s boyfriend came for a few weeks when he had a break from school. And on some nights her brother who also lived in the area came to stay too.

They’d joke with me, “Who invites a family of people that they don’t know to come stay with them when they have a 4-month-old baby?” And I’d joke back – “To be fair, my son was only 2-months-old when I invited you.”

I recently heard a segment on kindness and sacrifice with Malcolm Gladwell on a Ten Percent Happier podcast that gave me a interesting perspective on why it was do-able to invite this family to live with me and maybe even why I did.

When Malcom Gladwell was in high school, his parents along with about eight others, sponsored three Vietnamese refugees to come live in Southern Ontario. Malcolm remembers this as a magical kind of experience so he went back to talk to those families about it and gather the stories. Here was his take:

“I was struck by how untraumatic the stories were. That nobody gave up their lives to bring in these people. Nobody took on an extra job to support them. No one. It was this kind of lots of people do small acts that added up to something big thing.”

Malcolm Gladwell on Ten Percent Happier

And that matched my experience. First of all, what I did was simple and small – it was just one single woman inviting another single woman to stay when she could. I didn’t invite a family of four strangers to stay with me for ten weeks – I worked up to that.

The second part was that it didn’t require any sacrifice for me. That is to say, Dawn and her kids were self-sufficient and supportive. My guest bedroom and the little nook on the top floor were not being used. More than that, Dawn would hold my baby on her lap every morning while she checked for email and I made breakfast and the whole family provided entertainment for Miss O who at four-years-old was undergoing a major transition of accepting a new brother into the house.

Then Gladwell noted that there was a hereditary component to what his parents had done. Both his mother and father had welcomed in strangers in their respective homes when they were kids and then when his mother went from Jamaica to school in England, she was welcomed in people’s houses. As Gladwell summarized:

“It was thing kind of practice that was being passed down from generation to generation. Not some kind of heroic thing but just what you do as a human being is you welcome strangers into your home. I see that kind of hereditary practice as being a powerful part of how kindness persists in the world. That you see it being modeled and it becomes part of your repertoire of behavior.”

Malcolm Gladwell on Ten Percent Happier

This resonated with me as well because when I was a senior in high school and my dad took a job as a pastor across the state, my best friend’s family invited me to live with them for the year and so I was the recipient of a similar act of kindness.

Gladwell also reflected on the necessity of kindness having to be do-able to be sustainable and spreadable. If we think we have to do huge things to be kind, it’s less likely to happen. Deb from the Closer to the Edge blog has often remarked that its little things that can make such a difference. And that’s how Malcolm Gladwell summarized it as well:

“In some ways, repeated acts of kindness are preferable to solitary, extraordinary and heroic acts of sacrifice.”

Dawn and her family are now an extended part of my family. Incredible people who touched our lives deeply. I got to experience that gift because it started small, it didn’t require sacrifice and was part of my history to welcome and be welcomed into other people’s homes. Apparently that is part of the formula for how kindness catches fire and spreads!

What’s your experience with acts of kindness?

(featured photo is the pile of shoes that would accumulate at my door when I had these guests and it came to symbolize when my house and my heart was full)

64 thoughts on “It Starts Small”

  1. Good morning, Wynne. I love your post! My father (now passed) was a very fine example to me of this sort of kindness. He was a humanitarian, not in big splashy ways, but in many accumulated acts of kindness, and sometimes to complete strangers. One example is when he encountered a stranger very in need, who could have found his way home (eventually) in some other way. But my father took it upon himself to drive this person many miles back to family. My father was a family person, and to him everyone was potential family. I suspect this was the same with your father. We had good upbringings. 🙂

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    2. I was enormously touched by your post as well, Wynne. And, like you, Susan, my father, who’s also passed away, was a spectacular example of this type of kindness. Of small and big helping hands to those who need them. Family members. Friends. Even strangers. Without ever expecting anything in return. He always said that it was his duty to help because he CAN help. Not because he has to. But because he CAN. So he must. Thank you both for allowing me to relish in his memory.

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  2. What a lovely story Wynne. It brought up the memory of when my husband of two years invited a temporarily homeless groomsman to stay with us for a week or so. Months later, he was still there, wearing on my nerves and our marital relationship. Sad to say, my happily ever after ending was a bit muddied by the experience, but what is life for, if not to learn and grow? Isn’t wonderful that we are given so many opportunities to get over ourselves?! Bless you for your beautiful, gracious, generous countenance. I think I still have a bit of way to go…….

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    1. Well, that is a very reasonable outcome from that story, Julia. I suppose you give a great example of why we need to start small because in your scenario – it did involve sacrifice!

      I think you are beautiful just the way you are – we just keep trying, right? 🙂 ❤

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  3. What a touching story to read on Thanksgiving Day over here in Canada. And what a wonderful thing for you to have done while you were raising two very young children.

    I agree that our own upbringing experiences influence how we respond to these situations and open up our own doors for kindness. How is the woman doing these days?

    And remind me to share with you the story one day of meeting Malcolm Gladwell at work. I even have a photo of him sitting on my desk. 😆

    Enjoy the rest of your US holiday!

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    1. Can’t wait to hear the Gladwell story. How fun is that!

      The young woman who was hit is doing great. Because her spine had to be fused to her skull, she can’t turn her head from side to side but she has bounced back in the most resilient way. And the rest of the family is great too.

      You are so thoughtful to ask! Happy Thanksgiving!

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  4. I keep thinking how a simple act of kindness – willingness to open my heart and home – brought so much love into my life. It really is just a matter of opening the door and saying: Please come in.

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    1. VJ – I was thinking about you as I wrote this post knowing you’ve done this TWICE lately — and you jumped right in hosting whole families so you went big. I love having you chime in on this. “Please come in.” – so beautiful!!

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  5. My first thought as I was reading was, “Why am I not surprised that Wynne would take people into her home like this?” I like my personal space, so that would be a sacrifice for me. 😆

    I loved the generational aspect and your mention of modeling. What we see modeled as children becomes our “norm,” right? Such a powerful example of how this mindset of kindness can flow ever outward. 😭🤍

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    1. I’d say I like my personal space too – but I suppose having kids ruined that so I must have been opened to it. 🙂

      You are right, it is fun to consider the generational aspect. I imagine both my family and Dawn’s family were changed a little bit by this story.

      And thank you for your ever-faithful kind comments. I appreciate them and you!

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  6. Touching story. I get the idea that it’s one small act and another and another and how it builds up, but I still wonder sometimes if kindness is nature, a genetic predisposition or nurture, something that you see and learn. For example, I try to be kind-hearted and helpful to others, but I know that my wife’s example has made me much more willing to go out of my way to help people. It’s instinctual in her, where for me, I have to think myself there, if that makes any sense. In any event, lovely story. Thanks for sharing.

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  8. There is so much to love in your post, Wynne…and I’ve enjoyed reading the comments and sharing from others. Endearing, to say the least. I adore the Gladwell quote, “In some ways, repeated acts of kindness are preferable to solitary, extraordinary and heroic acts of sacrifice” because I BELIEVE in the compounding — the rippling, wonderful impact that everyday demonstrations of compassion and love can wield. And — as Kendra said – this sweet story of your generous spirit? No surprises there. Just Wynne being Wynne. xo! ❤

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    1. I love your belief, Vicki – ” I BELIEVE in the compounding — the rippling, wonderful impact that everyday demonstrations of compassion and love can wield.”

      Yes, yes, yes!! Seen every day here on WordPress with you, dear Vicki!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  9. The enduring joy and blessings of your ‘small’ act of kindness Wynne was huge in Dawn’s life and God’s sight as you “entertained angels unaware”

    Thanks for this encouraging reminder of the reciprocal blessings ‘hands on’ acts of kindness yield.

    Be blessed lady.

    PS. If I’m ever struck by a car, I hope it’s in your neighborhood 😊

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    1. Oh, you have me laughing about your PS. Well, I hope that never happens but I’d totally take you in – especially because you come with your own nurse! 🙂

      Entertained angels unaware – yes! It was a wonderful experience for all involved!

      Be blessed, Fred!

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      1. And she comes with a prepaid lifetime covenant, with 10 years of specifically trained patient, challenging experience to lovingly handle this ole duffer Wynne 😊

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  10. Your story is very touching, and I’m very happy that it worked out well for you!

    My daughter and I had an opposite sort of experience when a friend of hers was seemingly going to become homeless, so she invited the family (1 adult, 3 kids, ages 1, 13, and 15) to stay with us (2 adults, 3 kids, ages 2, 6&6) in the very small 2 bedroom townhouse my daughter was renting.

    It was during the time her youngest was doing chemo and radiation treatments. Her friend very quickly lost her job due to an undiagnosed depression and wasn’t looking for a new job, but became dependent on my daughter not only to provide shelter but to feed and clothe her family for what ended up being more than 6 months. My daughter was working to support everyone and took on extra shifts to do so.

    I was the chief cook and bottle washer, so I ended up cooking, cleaning, and doing everyone’s laundry. With chemo, there was a lot of vomiting and diarrhea, so the washing machine was going almost around the clock. Her older kids had behavior issues, so if they were asked to pick up after themselves or to fold their own laundry, it elicited 1-2 hours of them screaming and yelling. The 13-year-old girl taught my 6-year-old granddaughter that if she wanted to get something her way, she needed to follow her example and just pitch a huge fit., so my granddaughter took her advice to heart and followed it.

    That was the worst decision we ever did to help someone. It would have been far less expensive and stressful to have just given her the money to pay for the next month’s rent. Lesson learned.

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    1. Got the babies’ ages reversed… my youngest granddaughter was 1 year old and the friends’ baby was actually 1 and a half.

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    2. Oh wow, that sounds incredibly stressful and has all the hallmarks of great sacrifice. Wow, you two really went to the mat to make that happen – that is amazing, Tamara. I’m sorry it was a tough lesson learned.

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      1. Yes, it was incredibly difficult, and the long-term effects it had on my granddaughter were powerful. She’s 15 now and has just only very recently vocalized what she had learned and put into practice in her own life.

        Sometimes we need to say no, but it’s difficult to see that when we need to!

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      1. Thanks for your kind words Ana! Thankfully that is all in the past now!

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      4. The Conflicting Commandments ~ I posted it yesterday under “Love Them Anyway.”

        It’s a piece I read early in life which had great effect on my growth and direction. Now that I’m older I see it as valuable for its affirmations that we’re not alone in experiences of ingratitude as for its encouragement to keep overcoming them.

        Like everyone else, I struggle with the balances of appropriacy in social contribution. If any one of us tried to do everything which needs doing we’d be dead by tomorrow! Each of us, as Mother Teresa put it, can only do “small things with great intent.”

        In the end, as with every virtue we cultivate within ourselves, it is a matter of finding a correct and workable balance.

        Thanks again for the thoughtful inspiration 🙏

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      5. I love this! People who have deep empathy for the world and all its troubles struggle with this! I know I did in my youth. I mistakenly tried to do so much and my health paid the price of my actions.

        Since then, I’ve had to look at what is actually doable. That’s far less than the want to do list, but it means that stuff still gets done! I now embrace baby steps!

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  11. Dear Wynne, thanks for the shout out! You pointed to an aspect of kindness that I think perhaps some might feel selfish in talking about, but your act of being kind to another human clearly impacted you in a positive way. You touched them and in doing so you brought happiness to yourself. I think it’s okay to acknowledge that those small, simple things may sometimes bring more joy to the giver than the receiver may ever know.

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  15. You did a wonderful thing, a selfless act of generosity, for that family and repeated the kindness you experienced while living with another family in high school. The circle is complete. Such a delightful story to read first thing on a Tuesday morning.

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  16. In addition to loving this post, I, too, favor small but recurrent acts of kindness. When I read about Brown’s “marble jar” approach to trust a few years back, I didn’t really get it. Now, I see it really is the accumulation of many small acts of kindness that makes the trust. That’s how it was, foundationally, with my godmother, and that’s how it’s grown with a couple of colleagues turned friend. 💕

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  20. This is such a beautiful story to share and I admire what you’ve done! I think I have a lot of fear around letting strangers in, so I prefer to do my random acts with a bit of distance: delivering food to local shelter, giving this regular homeless man the rest of my leftover cash at the end of every week. I think I could be doing more, and I thank you for this inspirational tale that I’d love to ponder a bit more 💖

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    1. Those sounds like wonderful acts of kindness, Libby. I love that you give the man your leftover cash at the end of every week – beautiful! As I said, this was a random connection that started small and worked out but I think there’s wisdom to listening to your voice around strangers. The world goes around because we all do it our own ways! Sending big appreciation for all you do!

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    2. Sounds to me like you’re doing everything you should, and more. If everyone did so much we would have no homeless. I thank you for giving cash ~ as a presently vehicular homeless and formerly completely homeless person myself I can tell you just how humiliating, inefficient and uncharitable it is to give “vouchers” or yet another toothbrush. You go, gurl ~ show ’em how it’s done with a smile.

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  21. interesting post about “one small drop (help)” and how for you it was okay but for others not so… And then sitting here thinking about my own situation, both now and in the early lockdowns and then the mandatory rules. Where some unexpected help appeared, much needed but now that “help” has gone – as if I suddenly didn’t need it anymore.
    Interesting our “human race” …

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    1. Ah, what a probing comment, Catherine. Yes, this Covid experience has been a test of both our resilience and kindness. I’m hoping we resurface towards the kind…and that it touches your experience too.

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  23. What a beautiful act of kindness, and it is true it is easier to say, yes when your heart is in the right place, and the task is small, and not an inconvenience. Yes, kindness is often a hereditary act. Reading your post remind me of my mother, and the random dinner guest we often had over the years. You may enjoy this post  “Mushroom Soup Return visit “https://reallifeofanmsw.com/2017/01/20/3771/

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