How Not To Be Mean

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“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu

The other night my seven-year-old was being short-tempered with her younger brother and snippy with me. I asked her not to take out her mood on others and she replied “I don’t know what to do with the meanness!”

Wow, that stopped me in my tracks! It left me trying to tease apart all the ways we can quell our inner meanness and became the topic of my Pointless Overthinking blog today, What to Do With Our Inner Meanness.

40 thoughts on “How Not To Be Mean”

  1. (Also replying here Wynne. I still can’t see if the ‘pointless’ site accepted my comment. Oy!)

    So much to think about in your post, Wynne — including deep admiration for your parenting of Miss O – so much so that she was able to articulate her condition (“I don’t know what to do with my meanness”). Pretty darn insightful for a seven-year-old, I say. And I love your quote from Jack Canfora: “There will be things you do and say in an offhand way that will stay with others their entire lives, for better or worse.” True, true, true – unavoidably true and you can’t REALLY rewind (even with a heartfelt apology). Words stick and the angry little morsels seem to have the most staying power. xo to you and thanks for another great post. 😊

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    1. Thanks for commenting both places, Vicki. The other comment came through loud and clear and Word Press told me that they fixed the problem so let’s hope it behaves better going forward. But I love your comment and so appreciate you weighing in!

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  2. Wow. I am beyond impressed that your 7-year old daughter has the self-awareness to articulate “I don’t know what to do with the meanness.” None of our grandchildren (ages 5-16) would entertain such a thought, more less express it, nor would their parents have done so in their youth! She’s paying close attention to her Mom!!

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    1. What an interesting take, C.R. No doubt there is a lot of energy that comes with anger – maybe then the hope is to channel it appropriately? Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  5. Comment first posted on Pointless Overthinking:

    “I find yours and your daughter’s insights to be so elevated! I was brought up by a meanspirited, angry woman (who still struggles with these issues), so all my positive and healthy life skills were learned after I left home, even after my divorce(s). I find it absolutely amazing to watch you parent and to see a young mind blossoming under your care! You are both exceedingly fortunate to be able to live such rewarding relationships! You may not see the absolute incredibleness of it, but the rest of us do, especially those of us who didn’t experience that kind of parenting when we were young!”

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  6. Such lovely and wise words as always, Wynne – and I always appreciate how you anchor it through the eyes of your journey as a parent.

    I agree with your assessment that when kids have their moments, it often has to do with them just being spent and done. I see this in my T.

    It’s fascinating to learn about the upstairs and the downstairs brain and what we can do to help our kids integrate these two parts (and for me, how to think about this when part of the brain that controls emotional regulation is impaired). I agree it’s about helping them and ourselves not overtax the brain.

    And for me, part of practicing kindness is being kind with yourself too. We are often our worst critics and finding ways to minimize the negative self talk allows us to model kindness to our children.

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    1. What an interesting comment to bring this full circle to practicing kindness with ourselves, Ab! I love how you always make me think more about a subject.

      And yes, isn’t the upstairs/downstairs brain stuff interesting? For adults as well as kids.

      Thanks for the great comments and perspective!

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  7. Haha, what insightful comments from a seven-year-old! That’s exactly what we’re doing when we’re mean to others, which means we all have internal issues to address before we can think of being good members of society. Thanks for recording this lovely event!

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    2. Insightful remark, indeed! It would have stopped me in my tracks, too. In fact, reading it, made me pause and wonder.

      I really like the point you made about having to stop and give ourselves time to… do what it is we need to do internally. Often people say that they have their best ideas when walking in nature (sans phone :)), showering, any type of activity that lets our minds do their own thing. Or, like you said, focus on it while meditating. We seem to focus on “keeping busy” I wonder if we need to find some time to do the opposite, too?

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      1. Walking in nature – I love that one. And I totally agree – we need to find some time to do the opposite of keeping busy. At the very least, understand the cost of what we do to our good natures when we are too busy. Right?

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    1. Ha, ha, ha, Mark!

      That’s interesting about eating ice cream. I’ve read that when our brains are cognitively taxed, they consume a great amount of glucose. Hence I’m making the conclusion that your ice cream strategy is confirmed by science as a good way to go!

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  10. Aww you sound like such a good mama! And yeah these are some deep concepts to try to impart to children and it’s so amazing that you’re trying. I was raised with a parent who practiced 12 step recovery and he was always teaching my sister and i slogans 🤣 And one of them is similar to what you mentioned. It’s HALT and it’s a check in to ask yourself if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. And it sounds similar to what you’re already doing for yourself and your children. I think for me I’m typically kind to others but the key for me is when I’m not, I think an outright apology is called for. I’m def not above eating crow or swallowing my pride and then I don’t have to walk around with guilt. And I hold myself accountable. But also the apology is usually uncomfortable enough to ensure I watch my behavior and make sure it doesn’t happen again. Not sure if any of this is making sense but it’s 7:57am so my brain is not fully awake yet 🤣 U know I love all your posts and this one is no different so thank you always for your sweet wisdom! xo

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    1. Love this comment, Libby! You have packed so much good wisdom in here. HALT – that makes so much sense. And yes, the outright apology. And I love what you say about the apology being uncomfortable enough so that you don’t do it again! I love all your comments – you feel like a soul sister to me!

      By the way, I wrote another post on Pointless Overthinking based on a conversation I had with a friend going through heartbreak. But it also made me think of your recent post about being terrified to find love: https://pointlessoverthinking.com/2022/09/08/romancing-the-stone/

      So glad to have your wisdom in my blog and life! 🙂

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      3. I just read your post and yeah it hits home. Also those dates sound TERRIBLE!! I thought I’ve had some bad ones but yikes! Yeah I think I go back and forth about feeling clear about what is my job and what is the universe’s job. How much control do I really have over this thing? When you hear people’s love “success” stories they often are just living life and not trying. And yet I’m not sure if doing nothing is a good idea either. I still feel a bit frozen in my dating since that last disappointment. And so I’m sort of at peace with not doing anything but knowing that I’m probably reducing my odds of finding someone. But I’m going by feel, and right now I’m just not in the mood to date. Damn it’s all so confusing, but I think I do know one thing: love is a mystery. RIGHT?!?! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

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      5. YES!! Love is a mystery. And I love how you describe it as what is your job and what is the Universe’s job. I tend to think we have very little control – except to try and to be open. And I think the thing I’m trying to figure out is how to break open that cynicism. That basic belief that what happened in the past determines my future. Because does it? But you’re right, I’m just going by feel here too.

        And thanks for the sympathy about my ex and those dates. I still laugh about the guy with a gun. Holy smokes – he was harmless but also clueless about the optics of that! 🙂

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      6. Yeah but even the guy who said not to apologize to animals?!? Like whaaa who says/thinks that? 🤣🤣 It’s so hard to not let our past affect us. Maybe impossible. And sometimes I’ve even experienced being opened by someone even tho that sounds cheesy. But like you said about being open. Sometimes the universe maybe just needs you to be open just a sliver. And another person might do the rest and even break you wide open in ways that you couldn’t do yourself. I mean that’s what relationships are, otherwise, we’d all just be fine without them. I’ve def had that happen before, so maybe that’s in store for you too!! xo

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      7. Oh yeah, that guy. Talk about someone who couldn’t read a room!! 🙂

        I love what you say about someone who opens us up. Maybe that’ll happen. I think (and again, I’m just going by feel here) if we can operate from our wisdom and not our woundedness, that it might be likely.

        Fingers crossed for us!! Love your comments and talking about this with you, Libby!!

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  11. I don’t know what to do with the meanness made me chuckle! When I’m mean it’s usually because I’m hungry, hot, or stressed. My old coworker used to make me laugh because sometimes when I would get snippy with him he’d offer me candy and I’m be like uggghhh I’m even more mad that you are calling me out on my hanger but thank you for the candy, let’s revisit this after lunch.

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    1. I love this story!! Yes, hangry – such a good reminder. And I love that you laughed about “what to do with the meanness.” The things they say – usually very funny with the truth buried inside!

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