Tag: joy

The Price of Anticipation

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“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” – Les Brown

My mom invited my five-year-old daughter over for a sleep over at her apartment this weekend. Her place is air conditioned and she had a ton of fun plans like piano lessons and songs to wake up to. My daughter was so excited. Mostly because Nana’s apartment is a place full of treasures that she hasn’t been able to visit during this pandemic but also because her friend that is just a little bit older at 7-years-old is always talking about sleepovers. What a thrill! But then my mom had to cancel because she lives in a retirement community and they reinforced the message that no children under the age of 16-years-old are allowed, even if they don’t go into any common areas. My daughter was so disappointed! She said to me, “I’m just going to expect that good things get canceled.”

Of all the emotions, disappointment seems the easiest to avoid. As my daughter said, you can just expect good things won’t happen, right? It only means giving up anticipation. The feeling of waking up in the morning, remembering what you are going to do today and feeling, “yay!” because it’s something fun.

But what about love then? Is it tempting to decide not to love because the feeling of heartbreak is too crushing to endure? Or what about hope? Giving up the tug that we can, will and might just be lucky enough make our lives better just in case we fail?

All of my favorite emotions have their shadow side. I’ve struggled with trying not to feel any of those and come away worse for the wear. As the brilliant writer, Ashley C. Ford said in a podcast I heard a couple of months ago, “I tried to live a disappointing life so that I wouldn’t ever be disappointed.”

I’m finally understanding the idea of leaning in towards life instead. When getting a little off tilt, leaning forwards, not backwards. But my daughter’s disappointment this weekend made me realize that while I have been practicing that for myself, I’ve been doing the opposite with my kids. I often don’t tell them about things that might be canceled so that they don’t get disappointed. I hold myself as a back stop for all their possible shadow side feelings. As is so often the case, having kids has given me another level of practice. I can still lean forwards with my kids in my arms, ready for joy and also holding them in disappointment.

The Gift of Appreciation

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

For my 14th birthday, I gave myself a kitten. My dad said he didn’t like cats after he was attacked by a wild one when he was young and studying abroad in India. So I came up with a ruse to get a kitten, box it up and put it on the porch as an anonymous gift to myself. When my dad opened the door on my birthday to get the paper, he found an empty gift on the porch – and then hanging off the side of the porch was a little black kitten. He scooped it up, put it in the garage, called me down to talk about it – and we kept it!

That story became part of our family lore. Especially because I had gotten the kitten from a parishioner in the church my dad was Sr. Pastor of and so it was only a matter of a day or so until he found out where the kitten came from and who was responsible. But laughing about it now, I also think there is some genius to giving ourselves the thing we want most for our birthdays. It means naming what we most need instead of relying on others to figure it out.

For me, that’s appreciation. Appreciation for my body, mind and soul that has carried me this far.

I am so thankful for my body. It’s not perfect but it woke up this morning. I’ve abused it, pushed it past it’s limits at times but it has carried me through many adventures and produced two children. It is a mystery of how it continues to work no matter how much crappy fuel, lack of care and big challenges it has faced but it is my engine and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my mind. It’s not perfect but it’s teachable. It allows me to remember all the people who have shaped me. From my parents who conceived, carried and raised me to the countless friends, family and mentors who have come beside me, and even the few people who have been oppositional forces in my years, I have learned so much. My mind has figured out how to navigate the circumstances set before it and jot down notes for other travelers along the way and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my spirit and soul. It’s not perfect but it knows love.  It is my cup of sunshine that fills every day and rests and restores every night. As the seat of openness to Divine Love and Universal Truth, it has been my way to wisdom and joy. I’ve finally attuned an ear to listen to its guidance and although I frequently take side routes, it calls me back again and again and I’m grateful.

As I wrap this gift of appreciation, I am most grateful for the Divine Spark that has breathed life into me and all those around me! Wow, do I feel lucky!