Tag: humor

Sunday Funnies: April 16

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 3/6/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Children’s Letters to God

“Dear God, how do you feel about people who don’t believe in you. Somebody else wants to know. A friend, Neil.”

“Dear God, Are you real? Some people don’t believe in you. If you are, you better do something quick. Harriet Ann.”

“Dear God, count me in. Your friend, Herbie.”

And once again I have a late addition to my dad’s list. The other evening, I was pushing both my kids in a stroller up a steep Seattle hill. We were making steady but slow progress because the combined weight of the kids and the stroller is 100+ pounds, when I heard my daughter say:

“Hi God, It’s me, O, with my mom and brother. We love you. Thanks for helping us with our lives. A little help goes a long way. Please help my mom with the hill. She needs it.”

Sunday Funnies: April 9

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 2/27/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Thoughts for Pondering

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

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If you like these, a previous post has more of them. This includes my all-time favorite: One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make us gain five pounds.

Sunday Funnies: April 2

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 2/20/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Kids Church Humor

After church of Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?” “Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. “I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied, “I just prayed for more snow.”

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the follow Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God. We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there.”

Adding to my dad’s collection, I have one from my daughter this week.

Miss O told me that she saw a mosquito in the school bathroom the other day but it didn’t nip her because God took care of it. She expanded, “Well, God or Jesus, whoever deals with that.” 

So I responded, “Really?” 

And she said, “Sure, they each have their own areas!”

Sunday Funnies: March 26

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 2/13/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Church Bloopers

We really do need to watch how we say things. For example:

Prayer and Fasting Conference next week, the cost of attending includes meals.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Announcement of the sermon for the morning service, “Jesus walks on water,” followed by the evening sermon, “Searching for Jesus.”

But the one that fits this text was the report that there was this wonderful inscription over the massive doors of an old stone church that read: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign that read: “Please use other entrance.”

Sunday Funnies: March 19

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 2/6/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Parables

Man came in after being bitten by a mad dog. The doctor confirmed he had rabies and it was too late to do anything, he should die within the week. He sat right down and began writing…filled one paper and its back, went to a second. The doctor said, “Wow, that is a pretty long will.” The man replied, “Will, nothing. I’m making a list of people I plan to bite.”

A pastor announced that 20 years ago Jesus called him to this parish but now Jesus has called him to another ministry and he had to respond to that call and leave. The congregation stood and sang a special hymn… What a Friend We Have in Jesus.


There was a pastor who said wrong things and often didn’t know it. One Sunday his wife told him he said Jesus took 5,000 fish and 5,000 loaves and fed 5 people. So the next week to make up for it, he off-handedly said, “We all know Jesus fed 5,000 with 5 fish and 5 loaves – who could imagine how he did it?” And a boy spoke up that he knew how — “he did it with all that was left over from last week. “

Sunday Funnies: March 12

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/30/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

HEARD IN COURT

Fellow goes to court to get another to pay for a broken leg from an accident. Officer testifies he admitted to no injury when asked at time of the accident. Fellow testifies it was true but you must understand the context.

He had been in his horse drawn carriage with his hound-dog alongside when hit by a speeding car. As he was lying on the ground, the sheriff came up and saw the injured horse: shot him.

Then he saw the injured dog: shot him.

Came up to me and asked, “Are you hurt?”

_________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

__________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

_________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th
Q: What year?
A: Every year

___________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

__________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

_________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

___________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Sunday Funnies: March 5

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/23/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

DEAR PASTORS

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Person has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen, Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money, but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12 Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10, New Year City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday, especially when it was finished. Ralph. Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people. Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston

Sunday Funnies: Feb 26

Posted in humorTagged 57 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/16/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Doctor’s notes on patient’s charts (actual notes – unedited)

  1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  5. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
  6. The patient refused an autopsy.
  7. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  8. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  9. She is numb from her toes down.
  10. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  11. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  12. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
  13. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  14. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  15. Skin; somewhat pale but present.
  16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 19

Posted in humorTagged 34 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/9/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Parables

THE HANDICAPS OF YOUTH: Parents of two teenagers are worried about their kids’ failing eyesight. The daughter can’t find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can’t find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.

POWERFUL COMMUNICATION: A woman says to her neighbor: “I have a marvelous meat loaf recipe. All I do is mention it to my husband and he says, ‘Let’s eat out.’ “

COMMUNICATION AT SUNDAY SCHOOL: A five-year-old came home from Sunday School very excited. His teacher, he reported to his parents, had told the class about the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from Adam’s rib.

A few days later he told his mother, “My side hurts. I think I’m having a wife.”

SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Most people don’t mind suffering in silence as long as everyone else knows about it.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 12

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/2/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

School Excuses

Favorite excuses written by parents to principals.

  • Please excuse Lisa from school yesterday. She was sick so I had her shot.
  • I hope you will excuse John for being absent Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Dear Mr. Thomas, Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

I believe these were first published in an Ann Landers column.