Tag: humor

Sunday Funnies: April 10

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

PARABLES

DIFFICULTIES – When they first manufactured golf balls, they made the covers smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball and been roughed up one could get more distance out of it. So they started manufacturing them with dimpled covers. So it is with life; it takes some rough spots in your life to make you go your farthest.

APRIL FOOLS – One April Fool’s Day, as Phillips Brooks was walking along Boylston St., Boston, he saw a little fellow trying in vain to reach a door bell. Brooks walked up the steps saying, “Let me help you, my little man!” He pulled the knob; the boy scampered down the steps saying, “Now run like the devil!”

Source: Parables, Volume 4, No. 1, March 1984

Sunday Funnies: April 3

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Never ask a question if you aren’t prepared for the answer

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

It’s a Sign

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“If you were waiting for a sign, this is it.” – unknown

It seems like we’ve had an outbreak of creative energy into our signage in Seattle lately. I’ve noticed so many fun and inspiring signs and they have me thinking about our personal sphere of influence.

We all get our space to write our message – maybe it’s within our family, or a blog, or a sandwich sign. We can update that message as often as we want. And we’ll never exactly know what passers-by are influenced by that sign. We can make people laugh, think, cringe or cry. We can inspire fear or faith.

The impact of the sign might vary by how many people drive by or if anyone is paying attention. But our work is to know that our lives are our message: we channel our creativity and essence into the message we are broadcasting every day.

So, here’s my sign for today:

I see you.
Blink if you’re awesome.
Now believe it!

What’s your sign?

Sunday Funnies: March 27

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Potty Talk

A woman in England runs out of petrol. She can’t find anything to carry gas in – until she spies her child’s portable potty. She walks 3 km, gets the gas and returns to the car. She is pouring it from the potty into the tank when a Cadillac pulls up beside her.

The window rolls down to reveal 4 men from Saudi Arabia looking at her with astonishment. They finally say, “Maam, we don’t share your religion, but we want you to know we admire your faith.”

Sunday Funnies: March 20

Posted in humorTagged , 16 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Quips:

ATHEIST: Somone who plays golf with minister, priest and rabbi but refuses to concede 2″ putt to any.

Live in such a way that you’d not hesitate to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

A man was carrying a grandfather clock to be repaired runs into someone at the corner. The second man asks, “Why can’t you wear a wrist watch like everyone else?”

Man goes to the doctor and asks, “Is there anything you can do to stop my snoring?” The doctor asks “Why? Does it disturb your wife?” The man answers, “No, it embarrasses her. It’s the rest of the congregation it disturbs.”

I’ve always wondered what butterflies get in their stomachs when they get nervous.

Sunday Funnies: March 13

Posted in humorTagged , 23 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Bloopers

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a change to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time!

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting schedule for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Sunday Funnies: March 6

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Children’s Letters to God

“Dear God, how do you feel about people who don’t believe in you. Somebody else wants to know. A friend, Neil.”

“Dear God, Are you real? Some people don’t believe in you. If you are, you better do something quick. Harriet Ann.”

“Dear God, count me in. Your friend, Herbie.”

And once again I have a late addition to my dad’s list. The other evening, I was pushing both my kids in a stroller up a steep Seattle hill. We were making steady but slow progress because the combined weight of the kids and the stroller is 100+ pounds, when I heard my daughter say:

“Hi God, It’s me, O, with my mom and brother. We love you. Thanks for helping us with our lives. A little help goes a long way. Please help my mom with the hill. She needs it.”

Sunday Funnies: Feb 27

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Thoughts for Pondering

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

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If you like these, a previous post has more of them. This includes my all-time favorite: One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make us gain five pounds.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 20

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Kids Church Humor

After church of Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?” “Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. “I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied, “I just prayed for more snow.”

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the follow Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God. We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there.”

Adding to my dad’s collection, I have one from my daughter this week.

Miss O told me that she saw a mosquito in the school bathroom the other day but it didn’t nip her because God took care of it. She expanded, “Well, God or Jesus, whoever deals with that.”  So I responded, “Really?”  And she said, “Sure, they each have their own areas!”

Sunday Funnies: Feb 13

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Church Bloopers

We really do need to watch how we say things. For example:

  • Prayer and Fasting Conference next week, the cost of attending includes meals.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Announcement of the sermon for the morning service, “Jesus walks on water,” followed by the evening sermon, “Searching for Jesus.”
  • But the one that fits this text was the report that there was this wonderful inscription over the massive doors of an old stone church that read: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign that read: “Please use other entrance.”