Parenting: What (Little) I’ve Learned

Yesterday as I was going to take a shower, my toddler came into the bathroom and wanted to come in too. I was shampooing my hair with one hand while I held him in the other and he giggled as he bobbed his hand in and out of the spray. Hearing his laughter, my six year old daughter came into the bathroom and wanted to join the fun. As I stood in a corner of the shower getting mostly clean, I didn’t yearn for my privacy, I thought of this beautiful post written by Jack Canfora on the Pointless Overthinking blog.

Unknown's avatarWise & Shine

By Jack Canfora look

In my younger and (seemingly) more vulnerable years as a parent, I had assumed that taking care of a child through their infancy and youth would be the most demanding part of parenting. I certainly expected some bumps in adolescence and in between, but I felt confident there would reach a point at which I could sit back and, having tried to do my best (with varying degrees of success), I could feel less worried, less vigilant and beholden.

Unsurprisingly, I was an idiot.

The challenges merely shift. Today my daughter left for Berlin to study for the semester. Though I’m sure she’ll face challenges, it will ultimately be among the more defining and transformative periods of her life. It also solidifies, for me, that she is essentially and irrevocably an adult.

All of this is good; it is, in fact, wonderful. It’s a true blessing…

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Minding My Own Business

If what you believe does not impact how you behave than what you believe is not important.” – Shaykh Yassir Fazaga

This year I’m celebrating having my own business for 20 years. It’s hard to unpack all that means to me but my business was there before I got married and carried me through when I got divorced. It gave me the flexibility to trek to Everest Base Camp for 3 1/2 weeks when I was single and has given me the time and money to have kids as a single woman now. It’s held different structures like when I had business partners and employees and like now when I am a sole proprietor with subcontractors. There have been ups and downs that seemed so huge that they’d swallow me at the time but now in hindsight are now just good stories. While many of the things I’ve learned are specific to my company’s focus which is to provide consulting to businesses about how they can better implement computer collaboration like document sharing and approval processes, the three most key lessons are life lessons:

  • Always pay everyone else, including the government, before you pay yourself. I remember the first payment I got 20 years ago was for $5,000 and it seemed like so much money that I went out and bought a tile saw so I could tile the floor of my home office. But once I paid the state and city taxes, my start up costs and legal fees, my take home was about $1,200. I could still afford the tile saw but I learned not to look at any payment as my money. Instead I pay my expenses often before the client remits payment so that when I look at the bank account, I know how much I can pay myself.
  • Finish your projects and create relationships, and your reputation will take care of much of your marketing. After my business partner told me of my now ex-husband’s infidelities and it became clear we needed to all go our separate ways, I was left maintaining a small office building that we all still owned together. It was after the financial crisis of 2008 so the building was worth less than the mortgage and we couldn’t sell it. So I went to the local SBA office to talk with someone about how to restructure the loan. He gave me a series of things I had to do, accounting, legal and structural and told me if I did, we could restructure them. It took me five months of hard work and when I made an appointment with him and returned, he said, “Wow, you came back. Not many people do.” Which made me cry. And I also was able to reshape the loan to work until I could sell the building. That same tenacity in finishing projects and maintaining my reputation through all circumstances has worked to give me repeat business and referrals that have made the business easier to run over time.
  • Have faith. Every year at this time, my business slows down in late summer because people are on vacation. It doesn’t matter that it’s different customers on one year versus the next, it always happens. And I always worry. So the third lesson is have faith. I think of it like the story of Manna in the Bible. Enough manna would fall each day to feed the Israelites when they were in the desert. But they couldn’t store it from one day to the next. They had to have faith it would come again the next day.
    So I spend August doing my part – honing my skills and reaching out to people and sooner or later my pipeline fills and the business continues. Like with all problems, worrying only drains the energy out of what needs to be done so I’ve learned take a deep breath, focus on faith and keep working.

I’ve heard the phrase “it’s not personal, it’s business” many times. It seems often right before someone is unkind or unfair to someone else. I’m guessing whoever coined that phrase didn’t run a small business for 20 years because at some point it becomes indistinguishable. But when your values are infused in your business, it can be a beautiful thing.

9 Pieces Of Indispensable Life Advice From Your Future Self

I really enjoyed this list of life advice that AP2 pulled together from comments on a post asking for what advice people would give to their former selves. He did the hard work to find the patterns and consolidate the list into 9 discreet points. Two of the items really stuck out to me:
#5 follow your heart but don’t be reckless
#7 don’t wait but have patience
I think there might be a natural tendency in all of us that is exposed by these two points – are we be-ers or do-ers? That is to say are we happy just being while waiting for life to unfold or are we people that force that action by doing things. As a self-admitted “do-er” I resonate with the advice to be pragmatic about decision making and to have patience. And I can appreciate that maybe follow your heart and don’t wait might be the right advice for those who are more happy to just be.
Hope you enjoy this too!

AP2's avatarWise & Shine

I had an ulterior motive last week when I asked what advice you would give your former self if you could go back in time. Truthfully I’m at something of a crossroads in my own life. I have a difficult decision to make and I’m not sure what my next step should be. It got me thinking, if only my future self could come back and tell me what to do.

That’s what gave me the idea. I wanted to see what all of you had to say and see if I could spot any patterns – to see if I could gain some more clarity. Thankfully loads of you responded, so I had plenty to chew on. There were some obvious patterns, but also a few pieces of seemingly contradictory advice that forced me to do a bit of deeper thinking.

From all of you, I pieced together…

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Bottomless Questions

“Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights.” – Peace Pilgrim

When I awaken every morning, I tiptoe past both the kids closed bedroom doors and walk downstairs with the cat winding her way around my ankles. After I feed her and do a little stretching or yoga, I meditate. I have three or four books that I keep next to my meditation cushion and I read these short meditations as I sip my tea. The thing I like best about this practice is that when I flip to the page for April 20th in the Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo for instance, what is written there is usually something different that whatever is on the top of my mind for the day. It takes me out of my life for a moment to ponder a bigger or deeper theme instead of the logistics of my day.

So today when I opened another of my books, A Year of Daily Joy by Jennifer Louden, I loved that what she proposed, “Try asking bottomless questions – the kind that tantalize and stretch you.” Her examples were “How can I love more?” and “What do I want to create today?”

I sat with this idea for a while, watching the sun start to play on the house across from me, the birds flitting in and out of my plum tree, the feeling of observation starting to warm up my engagement with life and came up with this question “How can I bring curiosity into what I see and do today?”

The feeling of that question matches with my mood when I awaken. Light and open — and curious. My morning routine helps me set the tone for the day so that even long after what I read gets forgotten in the bustle of the day, I am still sustained by the broader horizon that came with my morning moments. I love the idea of posing that bottomless question to intentionally lengthen that note throughout the busy-ness of the day.

It’s Going to Be Great, Kid!

“At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.” – Sandi Lynn

As we were working on projects, my dad would frequently put his arm around my shoulders and say, “It’s going to be great, Kid!” And while on one level he was saying that the job to drywall, trim and paint would be transformative, he was also talking about life overall. When he died suddenly in that bike accident, it cut our conversation short but it didn’t end it because in the six years since his death, I’ve felt this phrase take solid root in me.

I’ve come to see each time that I feel the pang of missing him, which is often, it is an opportunity to incorporate more of him in my life. In a way that we don’t do with people when they are alive because we can rely on their presence to influence us, those memories of our departed loved ones are such guideposts of the ways that we want to be like them.

I have a long list of what I miss most about him. The way that I could rely on his steady encouragement, enthusiasm, and love. The twinkle in his eye because he thought life was great. And the warmth with which he would accept my problems, quoting scripture if I was able to hear it or just embracing me if I was not. Because my dad died without knowing either of my children, I miss him often in this journey of parenthood and each time it reminds me of one of these qualities that I want to embody for my kids.

The trick with “It’s going to be great, Kid!” is that it works best when used for the short-term and the very long-term. Today is going to be great, the arc of life is going to be great but we don’t want to dwell on the middle ground where our vision is a little murky. As a note, this also works with climbing mountains, a school year, projects and more as in the start of envisioning the project will be great, the end will be great but we’ll likely face some uncertainty and fatigue in the middle. The second key is “going” which implies that it’ll take a bit of work on our part. Next there is the “great” which says there will be something to celebrate but the word isn’t “perfect” and it isn’t “exactly what you want.” And the final word, “Kid” which honors that all of this is worth doing in relation to each other.

So on this anniversary of his death, I celebrate that “It’s going to be great, Dad!”

Only As Old as You Feel

Wuhoo – Miss O is two!!

A few weeks ago, Miss O and I were talking about her birthday and she asked me, “Mama, are you two?” I answered that I was not but I’m changing my answer. Because there is a huge part of my heart that was born two years ago and blossoms in the light of Miss O’s sunshine. And then there is the other part of me that wants to be two because witnessing another human who is constantly learning and changing is so powerfully inspiring. Every day Miss O faces a world where she has not yet mastered anything – communicating, using a spoon, walking, understanding emotions — with a smile on her face, a bright light in her eyes and a budding sense of humor. She reminds me over and over again that it is who we are that matters and not what we know.

Has it all been a bed of roses? Pretty much –thanks to the village that has gotten us here! So here’s to being two, darling girl! We’ll grow up together because together, we can do ANYTHING!

No Prerequisites

“Please remember, it is who you are that heals, not what you know.” – Carl Jung

Isn’t this what we learn from children and pets every day? They know little about how the world works but the light from within shines so brightly!