Category: humor

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Profit

A small businessman from the old country kept his accounts payable in a cigar box, his accounts receivable on a spindle, and his cash in the cash register. His son said, “I don’t see how you can run your business this way. How do you know what your profits are?”

The businessman replied, “Son, when I got off the boat, I had only the pants I was wearing. Today your sister is an art teacher, your brother is a doctor, and you’re an accountant. I have a car, a home and a good business. Everything is paid for. So you add it all up, subtract the pants, and there’s your profit.”

From Parables, etc. Vol. 3, #3, May 1983

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Children

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you…”

_______________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, Dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, “The big baby.”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Church Funnies

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his soon Jeffy asked, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” Bill replied, “God tells me,” Jeffy said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Church Funnies

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.”

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one famer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied, “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.”

During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said, “It means ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!'”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Hard Choices

A 92-year-old man who lived a pretty wild life was given a birthday present by his wild son (himself in his 70s): a call girl for the night. When he went to answer the door bell, he found this very beautiful woman standing there, dressed in a way that revealed her profession.

She greeted him with the words: “Hi, I’m Susie, and I’ve come to give you a birthday present: super sex!”

The man stood there for a bit, trying to take it all in, and then finally blurted out:

“I’ll take the soup!”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Try This at a Party

Two men are shuffling down the hall of their retirement home, in opposite directions. Just as they come up to each other, one says:

“Do you know what my name is?”

The other stops, looks carefully at him for a bit, rolls his eyes as he thinks and finally answers:

“How soon do you need to know?”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Spark and Spontaneity

Three couples lived in a retirement home. The three women often complained that their husbands had lost their spark and spontaneity. So one day the decide they are going to try to wake them up. They plan to “streak” past them.

They choose a day when the three guys are each sitting in rocking chair on the sun porch, reading and quietly looking out at the scenery. So the women streak past – not too fast, but they each shuffle in front of the men.

After they pass, the men say to one another:

“Did you see what I think I saw?”

“I think so.”

“What do you think they were wearing?”

“I don’t know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing!”

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Raising Problem Kids

A college sophomore who had spent most of the school year in one kind of trouble or another received the following card from his parents who were vacationing in Greece: