It’s On Us

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“In true dialogue both sides are willing to change.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

“It’s on me.” I was explaining my parenting approach to my neighbors who telling me a story about their daughter. They were mid-sentence in talking about how their son-in-law travels leaving their daughter with three kids. Then they realized I am always alone with my kids and the story died mid-way through.

I laughed it off and explained that I think it’s easier not having to adjust to absence. I’ve seen this reaction with other parents who start to complain to me about being left with the kids and then end up apologizing to me. No need – I chose to parent alone when I had my kids by IVF and I’ve known from day one that it’s on me.

What I find interesting is the balance that I’ve had to find – or tried to find. I can’t be too touchy feely because I also have to be the disciplinarian. Mind you, I’m still pretty touchy feely but it’s tempered me a bit.

I’ve observed this sometimes with my parenting couple friends. One can be the “fun” parent knowing that the other parent will bring order. Or someone can be the “let’s spend money” parent knowing that the other will temper it with budgets. And sometimes when things get out of hand, the non-involved one absolves themselves saying, “well, they started it, they can see it through.”

Of course it goes beyond parenting. When there’s two, there’s an interplay that brings middle ground. One optimist and one pessimist. One adventurer and one safety-minded. One extravert and one introvert.

Being a single parent has made me more aware of the ways we can be extreme. Sure, we can make a mess, but knowing I’ll be the one to lead the clean-up keeps it in check. Sure, we can use our stockpiles (of food, art supplies, money, whatever), but knowing I’ll have to refill them makes me more conscious of the effort involved.

It makes me wonder if our cities, states, and countries would be better off if we all were Democans, Twigs, or whatever the country equivalent. Or at least behaved as if we were between elections. Would we do less of a pendulum swing if we knew we were the ones responsible for tempering it? I think we’d do more advocating for each cause we’re passionate about and less sitting back and bitching when it’s not “our guy” in office.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to suggest this. Well, here’s to remembering our responsibility in every arena and knowing it’s on us.

(featured photo from Pexels)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I host the How to Share podcast, a podcast about collaboration – in our families, friendships, at work and in the world.

I also co-host the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, an author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson.

80 thoughts on “It’s On Us”

  2. Great post Wynne.
    I hear you – the responsibility must be so hard at times even when deliberately chosen. My experience being the disciplinarian Mum with fun-loving Dad returning home from working away wasn’t easy. I think it was the effects of being put into those roles that were frustrating. Which children wouldn’t love the fun and games free of discipline and which Dad would want to be strict during brief home stays? Only when the children are older and become parents themselves does it all begin to make sense. Hopefully 😊

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  4. You’ve hit the nail on the head regarding politics, Wynne. The relatively short-term nature of the terms means most governments rarely make a meaningful impact because the next government will come along and undo their work. It’s so frustrating.

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  6. What a great post, Wynne. Many, many years ago, I, too, chose to be a single parent. I didn’t give it a second thought, it felt very natural to me. I have wondered about my decisions throughout raising him, although he told me recently he was a pretty happy kid and to stop questioning myself. Now, I take a few minutes to consider my intention before I decide, whatever the outcome I know I did the best I could.

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  7. As Cheech Marin, the comedian, said tongue in cheek, “Responsibility is a heavy responsibility.” Thanks for this unique and spot-on post,Wynne.

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  9. I can see how as a parent you carry the burden for it all and I admire you for doing it so well. I’m sure there are difficult moments, but the joys out weigh them I’m hoping. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here in this profound post.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words, Ally. The joys definitely win – and it’s given me a different perspective which is a side benefit that I never expected. All good!

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  10. You are so wise Wynne, this is such a perfect piece about balance and personal responsibility. This not only applies to parenting and politics but to all of life. It makes me crazy why people don’t understand ‘it’s on us’ all the time for everything!
    Having done some traveling recently… sorry… the bathrooms… OMG… Some people went out of their way to clean up after themselves and their children, wiping sinks, handles, toilets… May the good Lord heap Blessings on these folks…. While some other folks act like some magic fairy is going to clean up after them and their children who were throwing water, soap, and paper towels around and leaving the toilets worse than what might be seen in a barn?! Seriously people, if you make a mess, clean it up. Public restrooms are a gift for travelers. Why would anyone expect another human to deal with the horror they leave behind?

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    1. Isn’t that fascinating why someone would do that? I don’t understand but am so grateful for those who go the extra mile! You are so right – “it’s on us” is all the time for everything. Thanks, Rose!

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  12. Having been there Wynne, there’s no ” on us” in single parenthood, it”s ” on me” . . . and therein lies the reward . . . while there’s no shared responsibilities for parenting failures, the love and joy of our successes with our precious children are solely ours to humbly enjoy.

    BTW … sign me up for your Democans, Twigs, or whatever unified political party our Divided States of America is in so need of 😊

    Be blessed in your single parenting Wynne, and ….

    Keep Looking Up ^ … His Best is Yet to Come!

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    1. Solely ours to humbly enjoy — well said, Fred. It’s a perspective I’ve really enjoyed and a side benefit that I never expected. Thanks, as always, for the amazing encouragement!

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  14. what a great point and good way to reframe and look at things. as a person who became a single mom for most of the time of my childrens’ childhood, I often have encountered these same awkward conversations throughout my life and they continue. over time, I came to understand it more in a big picture way, when a family was used to having 2 adults, when 1 was temporarily gone, it threw off their balance as a family, and it was a struggle for the one left behind and trying to mange it all. when a family only had 1 parent as their norm that parent was the only one and knew they had to find a way to create that balance single-handedly and it was a different skill-set. hope this makes sense. I have empathy for both, as each situation comes with its own set of challenges.

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    1. Each comes with its own set of challenges — so right, Beth. So interesting that you had these conversations too. Yes to empathy for both – it’s all hard work and full of joy! Appreciate you!

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  16. So much insight in one post, Wynne…and this phrase will stick with me for a long time:
    “When there’s two, there’s an interplay that brings middle ground.”
    Perfectly expressed! 💕

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  17. I would be alone with my kids in Laguna Monday through Thursday, while my husband worked in Palm Springs. Yes, I looked forward to him helping out with the kids on the weekends. It’s tiring to do it alone, but yes, it was on me and we have wonderful memories for those days alone. You made some excellent points about knowing when it’s on you, you are more measured in many ways.

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  20. Great post, leading to great debate and points made. I think that i would add, that in my years teaching, I met all sorts of families – single parents (dads as well as mums), rarely-present-parents, always-present-parents, opposite-different-parents, identically-opinioned parents, grandparent-parent combinations, easy-going parents, strict parents, emotional touchy-feely parents, emotionless distant parents, foster/adoptive parents, same-sex-parents…

    And my conclusion, in my view, is that there are no rules for parenting. I have seen excellent parents in each of the above categories – and more besides. The good news, and the bad news, is that you work out for yourself what works for you and your children

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    1. I love how you explain the depth of your experience with families and the take-away. You’re right – each family works it out. There is no one-size-fits-all guide book. Thanks for the meaningful comment!

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      1. One family that I particularly remember was a single parent dad who did an excellent job bringing up his daughters… perhaps it’s about making the most of what you have, rather than regretting what you don’t have.

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  21. Having both coparented and been a single dad, I think your observations are spot-on. The one thing I missed most, post-divorce, was the lack of a “united front.” If I was the bad guy I had to own it, because there was never anybody else there to back up my decisions. It’s just so much easier when you have balance. You are doing a great job regardless!

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  23. The beginning of your post was interesting because I’ve noticed that a lot too. It seems like people sometimes engage in conversation without understanding their audience or being fully present. At least you’re taking it well, but I know people who get really offended. Over the years, I’ve learned to take my time in conversations and wait for cues. I’ve seen too many awkward moments, like when someone asks a woman how far along she is, only to hear that she’s not pregnant. 🤦🏻‍♂️

    We do our best to keep a good balance while parenting. We shift a little to the left, a little to the right, hoping to keep our kids centered on the path to adulthood so they can make meaningful contributions to society. Politics would be so much better if leaders took the same approach, knowing their audience and doing the right thing for society, instead of acting out of personal gain or for the financial support of interest groups. A little bit to the left, a bit to the right, keeping us centered would be wonderful.

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    1. Love your note that you’ve learned to take your time in conversations. What a wise way to feel your way through.

      And your second paragraph — it’s absolutely brilliant! Especially, “Politics would be so much better if leaders took the same approach, knowing their audience and doing the right thing for society, instead of acting out of personal gain or for the financial support of interest groups. A little bit to the left, a bit to the right, keeping us centered would be wonderful.”

      Right! Any kind of leadership, really! I know you are doing a marvelous job of parenting and I appreciate your deep and insightful comment!

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  24. Love all of it Wynn. Taking personal responsibility is quite an intentional learning curve. Now that my wife and I have been grandparents with the oldest in grad school, we have realized our learning curve keep going. We have opted to be very relational beyond the hi and bye twice a year visits… so far so good as we seem to be more than the “old people” in their life.

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    1. Intentional learning curve — so well said, Gary. And being relational grandparents – love that it’s paying off. It seems to be true of all relationships that healthy attention brings a good chance for meaningful connection. Such a great comment – thank you!

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  25. Having both parents really works best when both are engaged in the family and with all the duties that come with running a household, otherwise it’s often just easier to parent solo. Both my daughter and I started of in relationships with our significant others and felt very let down when our partners weren’t doing what they needed to. When each of us became single parents, in many ways our mental and physical loads decreased, because we weren’t also having to care for man babies. Not to mention, as a single parent, one doesn’t necessarily have to deal with one’s partner contradicting what we’re trying do trach the kids!

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    1. Ah, you’ve been there – and helped your daughter through. Amazing. Man babies – exactly. And they throw bigger fits, don’t they? Your comment about having partners contradict is so insightful. Yes – I could see how that would be crazy making! Thanks, Tamara!

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      1. Yes! While it’s quite challenging to be a single parent, especially if finances are tight, there’s a freedom that’s kind of nice.

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  27. I have a friend who’s confined to a wheelchair. She’s one of the positive people I know, and I’m sure she would take no offense, but I would never complain about minor physical ailments to her. That would seem the height of self-centered behavior.

    We fill many roles as parents. Children need to know their limits. I loved having fun with my students at school, but they also knew my expectations to treat me and each other with respect.

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    1. Ah, I love hearing your educator and parent perspective, Pete. It seems all relationships are better when each party knows their limits. I thought about teachers as I wrote this – you have to find that balance in the classroom too! And I know you did especially as you tell stories like about the rats and being able to shift when the class needed something different.

      It is so considerate for you not to mention ailments to your friend in the wheelchair but I bet she wouldn’t mind. Just because I parent alone doesn’t mean that parenting in any (and every) situation isn’t also difficult so I’d never take offense – it’s all hard! Thanks for the thoughtful comment, my friend!

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  28. You sound like you’re a superwoman doing all the things for your children: discipline, budget, etc. What you did is an interesting choice and worth it.

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  30. You doing both roles of the traditional parent structure is amazing, Wynne, and I can also imagine very exhausting. I love that you are able to reflect on and consider both sides of the coin and equation into how you’re raising your two kids and the furballs. And yes, if only this kind of thinking could be elevated to a societal level.

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    1. I think parenting is exhausting no matter how you do it, don’t you, Ab? But it brings the gift of good sleep (most nights at least)! As to the furballs, they get the short end of the stick but they seem to be doing okay nonetheless. 🙂

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  31. great post about responsibility and accountability. parenting is hard and it takes patience and presence… as a grandparent we can be fun, then hand them back! But we still parent and guide, too. it really is on us.

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  33. we had a tough time bringing up our rebellious eldest daughter but she has been a rock to me during the difficult time of breakup and cancer — and she says, dad, you did what you had to do 🙂 barbecues and Fellowship and grandkids birthdays ; she has been a rock —

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