Suffering

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“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I don’t often think about my ex-husband, for better or for worse. [Yes, that was a marriage joke. 😊] After we divorced, he got married to his third wife. I discovered, once I wasn’t married to him, that I did want kids and had them on my own.

But something I read the other day made me think of something he said fifteen years ago when our marriage was unravelling. “I suffered so much as a kid that I don’t want to suffer any more now.” It was his excuse for not wanting to do the work to figure out the why of his infidelities.

He did suffer as a kid. His parents divorced when he was three years old. His mom remarried a man that ended up going to prison for bank robbery. He was in high school and living with his dad and his dad’s third wife until his dad and step-mom left town in the middle of the night to move 1,000 miles away without telling him because they were in trouble with the IRS.

My ex was a smart kid. He figured it out and managed to work his way through college to create a different life than his parents.

Here’s what I read that made me think of my ex:

“While I am not a victim, I didn’t ask for certain shaping experiences to happen to me. I didn’t ask to be slapped or ridiculed as a boy or to be mistreated by lifelong friends later in life. In truth, If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say.

What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of the pain fits the pain, there is no room for distortion or illusion. In this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping dirt out of the wound.

To voice things as they are is the nearest medicine.”

— The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo

That meditation helped me to understand that the point of cleaning our wounds isn’t to suffer more, it’s to heal at that deeper level.

Here’s the funny thing. In not wanting to do his work, my ex made me want to do mine. He’s right – there’s too much suffering in this world. I was motivated to heal my wounds so I don’t thoughtlessly create others.

(featured photo from Pexels)

You can find me on Instagram @wynneleon and LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/

I co-host a storytelling podcast featuring authors and artists with the amazing Vicki Atkinson. To tune in, search for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Spotify, Apple, Amazon Music or Pocketcasts (and subscribe) or click here. Or the YouTube channel features videos of our interviews. Please subscribe!

My other projects include work as a CEO (Chief Encouragement Officer), speaking about creativity and AI through the Chicago Writer’s Association, and my book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.

63 thoughts on “Suffering”

  1. Well said, Wynne. It is critical to do the work to save ourselves, not forgetting that we also have the job of bearing witness and then helping to save our fellow human.

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  2. Well said. Much of the proofreading in my life has been after I’ve pressed publish. Sadly, many of my mistakes and missteps have hurt people I love. Forgiveness and understanding is important in a marriage and in life. Growth can’t happen without it. Thanks for making me slow down and think this morning. Have a fabulous week.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. So beautiful, wise and kind, Wynne. You are very empathetic with your ex, while also being clear in your boundaries and why your decision to end the relationship worked out for the best.

    It is sad the childhood that he had but he was unwilling to do the work on himself. Thank goodness it became a gift that allowed you to work on yourself. Your life, and kids’ lives, are all the better because of it.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I echo what all the previous commenters said. As well, the story of your ex’s upbringing reminds me of how critically important loving parenting is. So many people are raised in sadly dysfunctional families; some can move beyond those emotional wounds and others can’t. It’s a very, very sad reality. Important post, Wynne.

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  7. This is something I’ve pondered often. Why are some folks willing to face the truth, to learn, to grow, to do the work, to try to prevent suffering for others, and others who claim to hate their lives or certain aspects of their behavior, refuse to take any actions to change it? Such a quandary.

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    1. Ah, such a good question, Rose. I think it’s at least partially based on self- confidence. Sometimes we don’t believe we’ll have enough value if we admit what isn’t working. One theory at least.

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  10. Healing is the hardest, deepest and most sacred work we can do! It is sacred, because when we heal, we change so profoundly that not only do we break old generational cycles, we can then move forward in such positive and powerful ways to impact the lives of many other people! Exactly what you’re doing now! Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I love your story. It speaks to so much truth. I know I caused some pain in others because of pain in myself, and today I hurt just to think of it. I’m better now, but I can always grow more.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I find healing my own wounds very uplifting. It is like cleaning house, which always pays literally when I find a gift certificate or uncashed check in the piles of paper. After I heal, I am more open to the beautiful friendships I can develop.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. 5 star post and it spoke to me in a few ways. I commend you for your acceptance of what experiences brought you to today. Dialysis and transplants have shaped me and my wife’s cancers but we stand on top of those experiences, not beneath them. Most of life we don’t decide what happens but we decide how we respond. I am not a victim, I am tons to be grateful for and every day is the best day of the year.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Wow. What a childhood your ex lived through. It’s such a contrast to your own. Somehow I’m not surprised your marriage didn’t last. My husband and his sister had a tough life with his mom having him at age 17. They lived on Guam because the father was in the Navy. That marriage didn’t last due to his beating up my husband’s mom. But she had the sense to get out and move home when my husband was a toddler and his sister was an infant. The stability in his life was completely different growing up in his grandparents home. The grandfather was a California State Senator and then worked in DC as a special counsel to the President. Quite a different family experience than with the sailor in Guam.

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      1. Thank you. It was a totally different life from being raised by his grandparents and what the ex husband offered. I’m so grateful to his mom for not putting up with it! Too bad your ex didn’t have someone like my husband’s family for support.

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  18. Deep post, my friend. I’m not sure what to say about your ex-husband, except that he is definitely missing out—big time. This post aligns so well with the book I’m currently reading, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain. The book explores what you said at the end: “I was motivated to heal my wounds so I don’t thoughtlessly create others.” It’s also about transforming pain, suffering, and longing into the creation of beauty—and that, my friend, is exactly what you are doing with your two wonderful kids. A beautiful family and life.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. A wise observation about who he was. I know that not all people who experienced childhood suffering refuse to grow, evolve, but many do. I’ve come across them in the workplace and it is frustrating to interact with them knowing they could be better adjusted if they just tried. But they won’t— and you can only help someone who wants to be helped. Sad fact.

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  24. A beautiful post Wynne. And a critical juncture of understanding our own suffering, so that we don’t dispense it to others. Not all mange their suffering as well. Some choose to cloak it within addictions. Others choose to fire it to those around them. What we do with our suffering is so critical to deepening our own experience here as we guide others to wholeness. You do that so well. 💕

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