The Case for Non-Competition

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“A head full of fears has no space for dreams.” – unknown

I can’t get Miss O to put down the guitar. I know that’s a funny thought – why would I want to?

Here’s the situation. My nine-year-old daughter, Miss O, has a gift for music. She has nearly perfect pitch so that if she hears something, she can play it. And she’s learned piano from my mom, ukelele from YouTube videos, started clarinet in the school band, and also sings in a choir.

She’s practiced these things, and my mom has been a fantastic teacher, but mostly she has enough natural ability that she makes it look easy.

All good – until Mr. D wanted to learn to play the guitar. We have a little one that we picked up at a garage sale that was missing three strings. I ordered some replacement strings and voila, Mr. D had an instrument that he could carry around and try.

He’s not really wanting to formally learn anything quite yet. He’s five years old. But he likes putting the strap around his neck and strumming. I found a chord on YouTube and went to show it to him – he didn’t want to do it. But Miss O was standing right there and said, “Can I do it?”

Of course, she picked it up easily. So I asked her not to play the guitar. To give her younger brother some space so he can have a thing that is his own. She nodded her agreement – and then by 30 minutes later had circled back to try to play it.

So I gave her a longer explanation about why that can be discouraging to her brother. She gave it a rest for about a half a day.

When I found her with it at the end of the next day, I started again tiredly. She yelled, “So I can never pick it up and strum it?” And because nuance didn’t seem to be working, I said emphatically, “Yes!” and she angrily stomped off.

At bedtime, I told the kids the story about when Mr. D was 2-years-old and had the cutest little Hawaiian shirt. I dressed him in it every time we went to a party and everyone oohed and aahed, “What a cute baby!”

So Miss O said to me, “I hate it when he wears that shirt. He gets so much attention.” I explained that what I did to help wasn’t to get her the same shirt – or buy them both a new outfit that matched each other. I helped her find a new dress and shoes so she could feel good about what she was wearing – on the inside –even if she didn’t get all the compliments the baby did.

I summed it up that sometimes we just need to give each other space. That competing or comparing, especially over time, can often undercut someone’s confidence.

I must have flubbed the ending. Because at the end of the story, Mr. D wanted that shirt and Miss O said, “I knew I wasn’t going to like that story.“

I left the bedroom with two grumpy kids still pouting. I was frustrated because I couldn’t fix it. It struck me that we were all too close on this one – perhaps telling the story when we were all together wasn’t the right timing. Or that we just needed some time. Or that bedtime wasn’t a good time to tackle this. All of the above, I suspect.

And that is why my guitar gently weeps. From under the couch where I hid it.

80 thoughts on “The Case for Non-Competition”

  1. Ah, that’s going to be a very difficult road to walk, Mom! Mr D may not show enough interest in the guitar, for years, and Miss O will only feel quietly resentful to her brother for blocking her from learning.

    There’s only so much explaining one can do. If she’s not on board, and she may never get on board with someone asking her to give up something she’s good at and enjoys, she may grow resentful towards both you and her brother.

    Talents and the passions that develop from them just aren’t as easily discarded as clothes. If she’s already developing a passion for music from her talent, asking her not to do something will feel like asking her not to breathe the air!

    I understand that you’re trying to avoid conflict between them, but asking her not to pick it up, for what now feels like forever to her, may push it in that direction anyway. There’s going to be conflict, and sometimes it is better to just let them work it out between themselves. You’ve been helping them develop good communication skills, so it may be time to let them sit in the driver’s seat for this.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you for the advice, Tamara. Miss O had no interest in the guitar until her little brother did. That being said, I don’t intend to keep it from her forever. But she doesn’t need to pick it up on the same day as he does or even the same week. I don’t that it is motivated by interest as much as by being in the spotlight. I think that sometimes learning to take the backseat, if only for a moment, is more important than learning an instrument.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love your insight here: “I was frustrated because I couldn’t fix it. It struck me that we were all too close on this one…”. I hear you. Sometimes you need to let things sit even though (speaking for myself) I always want to be the fixer. xo! 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sounds like my children, who weren’t great friends in childhood but are now. Your sweet children are human, too. So are they all. But you are a champion parent, Wynne, and still haven’t lost your crown or their love for you or each other.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have two sons, 18 months apart. They both wanted to do the same things, football, swimming, cubs/scouts. So I let them. But they both went to different groups. The younger excelled in sport, the older had no coordination!
    It was complex for us, our week was full of doing things. But I was determined to give them the opportunities they asked for. The oldest stopped football when he was about 10 – he knew! He soon after stopped swimming as he was good but not good enough to go on swimming competitively.

    They found their niche in life, and used their skills to go forward.

    If your daughter could learn the guitar- she may want to help your son to play, it would give her confidence, and allow them both some time to learn not everyone is good at the same things…

    Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, such a great perspective. Love that you gave them those fantastic opportunities to try and that they each found their niche! You make a good point about my daughter teaching my son. That’s a nice benefit too!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ugh… I’ve been in the shoes of Miss O and Mr. D. As the little brother wanting a chance and the one who showed interest but didn’t get the chance. For me, it was the piano. I loved to tinker on it as a child – still do, given the opportunity. But I wasn’t allowed to play our piano at home or seek formal training. That was my sister’s lane, and besides, pianos were “for girls”.

    Wynne, I don’t envy your position as their parent, but I do admire your intentionality and dedication to parenting with care and attunement!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh, David – love hearing your perspective. I’m sure being a younger sibling myself influences me more than I’m aware. And thank you for the comment about my intentionality — I appreciate that!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. So many terrific comments already. You can tell we’ve all been there, both as the parent and the kid! I loved the way you did try, and I especially loved the way you said, “I must have flubbed the ending!” The reality is that if Mr D’s not playing it, Miss O’s going to want to. Leaving her feeling resentful or frustrated won’t help. Music’s clearly her “thing”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Excellent points, Jane! You’re right to point out that I don’t want her feeling frustrated or resentful. There’s no doubt that she’ll learn the guitar before long. I’m hoping that a little space will mean she’ll grab it because she’s interested in the guitar – not just interested in whatever is new. So many things to balance!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, I understand your frustration Wynne, but that’s what makes you a great mom. The mere act of being perceptive and trying to get in front of those competition battles shows how much you care. Oh, there’s no right or wrong way. And yes, maybe in the moment you had two grumpy kids, but that just tells me you were loving them and trying to help them to be more empathetic. Oh the joys of parenting!

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  8. Gosh, there are some EXCELLENT parenting comments here Wynne. People care!!! I am not in a position to do that, but my gut tells me that it is going to work itself out (one or the other, or both(!)) could lose interest. And if not, new knowledge will appear to help you solve the situation. You’re a terrific mom, and you got this!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Guitar gently weeps. Ha! I like what you’re trying to do and how you’re doing it. It doesn’t make the message easier for Ms. O to hear. I was the oldest child. I played the piano and the violin. My sister played the drums. One day her first year of lessons I went down to the basement to play the drums and asked my mom if I could take lessons. My mom wisely said, No, let this be your sister’s thing. My sister became an awesome drummer and I stopped trying to play the drums. Is there another instrument your son might like that could be just for him?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I love hearing about this from an older sibling’s perspective, Rebecca! As a younger child, it’s not a perspective that I’ve experienced.

      The other instrument is an interesting question. At 5, not many instruments are sized for him yet. I’ll have to mull on that!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. So many good comments here already. Thank-you for sharing how you’re dealing with an issue so many of us have faced. It’s a bit of a conundrum – wanting our children to excel and reach their highest potential, but also wanting them to realize and empathize other people need to shine as well. 🌟🌟

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I can feel exactly what you’re going through. I could never solve the jealousy issues between my children. It still exists today. I never thought it would be an issue because like your kids, because they are a boy and girl. Mine are three years apart. They had totally different interests and talents. What’s to be jealous of?

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  14. Parenting can be SO hard sometimes!! We muddle through, make mistakes, do the best we can. I once worked up the nerve to ask a question of our youngest of three, J., probably in his late teens at the time: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your childhood?” I asked because it seemed J. always got the shorter end of the stick–the smallest bedroom, an older brother who teased him, and a mom who taught school (not a stay-at-home mom like the older two, until they were in fifth and eighth grade. J. was only in second grade when I returned to the classroom.) There wasn’t even a pause before he answered, “Eleven!” I share the story because in spite of all the mistakes, problems, misunderstandings, bickering-among-siblings, etc., kids mostly remember the good stuff. One day you’ll likely laugh together about Mr. D. and his guitar!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Oh no, not the hidden guitar that was missing some strings? 🎸🎸🎸 Poor Wynne, but sometimes, we have to just let things be and they will sooner or later work themselves out. Maybe Mr. D would have gotten jealous and picked it up himself later. But honey, save yourself some grief and don’t try to fix everything. 😲 You will wear your poor self out my friend. 😜

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  16. Oh sibling rivalry and competition is a tricky but necessary rite of passage, Wynne. You are navigating it with grace, compassion and wisdom. That specific moment might not have ended as desired with the pouty stomping kids, but you are planting seeds that’ll bear fruit.

    And hope they don’t find your hiding spot!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m laughing about the hiding spot. Unlikely! The question is whether I’ll remember where I hid it. 🙂

      Thank you for the beautiful image of planting seeds that’ll bear fruit. I think you’re likely right about that. Fingers crossed!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. oh, I feel for you. as a teacher of a multi-age class of children, this situation would come up when a younger child would suddenly begin to sound out letters and actually read, and an older one could not yet do so, or when we had sibs when some things came more naturally for one than the other. it’s a balancing act and we do our best to try to not dampen anyone’s spirit and it’s a challenge. maybe ask her if she wants to learn to play it too, and maybe she can also try one of her other instruments and they can have a ‘band’ together. some bands have two guitars and some have different instruments.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I love how well you understand this one, Beth! There’s no doubt she’ll learn the guitar before long – but just trying to give D a smidge of a chance. Love the idea of a band!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you have to go with your gut in the end, you know them better than anyone, and will usually work itself out. no worries about hiding it, I get that and you just wanted to take a break from the feelings and drama.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. I wouldn’t beat yourself up, Wynne. All we can ask ourselves to do as parents is what we tell our kids—”Just do your best.” The reality is that, hopefully, more often than not, we make good decisions as a parent. Inevitably, sometimes we don’t. Just like kids, we learn something from those experiences.

    Where my mind went with this was to think about siblings I’d taught and how hard it was for the kids and the parents when one child was better academically, more creative, etc. How do we parents make our children realize that we all have things that we’re good or not so good at?

    By the way, what do marriage counselors always say—”don’t go to bed angry.” My point is I often found bedtime to be one of the best times to connect with my son. It’s a fact of life that sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. Same thing happens in the classroom. One day a teacher will walk out and think, What a terrible day! Why did things go south? Then for no apparent reason the next day couldn’t go better. Same thing happens with parenting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, you are SUCH a good encourager, Pete! Really – you totally have a gift for it! Just do my best – a great thing to remember. Here’s the thing – Mr. D has a gift for athletics. I’m just trying to nurture a few other things too. We’ll see. And you’re right – thank goodness we that tomorrow is a new day to try again!

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Great post, Wynne, and the comments are wonderful. I’m an only child, and we have one boy who is quickly becoming a young man. But I can tell you that my wife has two brothers, and I’ve known them for over 33 years. No matter how many times they argue or disagree, their love for each other always wins. I think Miss O and Mr. D are going to be just fine, especially with a great mom like you.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. I loved reading this story, not for the sibling tension and parental frustration, but because it sounds like O has a gift and passion for music, and that the kids have a great Mom who makes excellent efforts to reach them and help them understand things, even if they don’t always work (you’d probably be the first ever if they all did). In my childhood and adolescence, I admit, as an older sibling myself, I was rarely if ever able to attune myself to what my younger brother may have needed, if those needs went against what I wanted to do. I can sympathize with all three of you in this story!

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    1. Ah, such an interesting perspective, Todd! No doubt that it’s hard for older kids to get that — it takes time to understand.

      But if you are recruiting for more members of the Fulginiti Band, Miss O will be ready one of these days… 🙂

      Like

  21. Hahaha the ending is beautiful. You did well by your kids Wynne. Sometimes our timing is off. Sometimes they’re not ready to receive the story. Sometimes it’s just tiredness at the end of the day. Regardless, it all works out and they will eventually appreciate the lesson.
    Fabulous though that Miss O is such a gifted musician. That must be fun on other days.

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  23. oh I love these honest exchanges!!! A lucky problem. I am so jealous.. Can you ask them if I can have lessons? I forgot my uke when I went to Hawaii… sad was I as I only know Twinkle, Twinkle little Star and Surf all day.. lol 😂❣️

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    1. Honest exchanges — you said it perfectly, Cindy! Right! I’m sorry you didn’t have your uke for your trip to Hawaii either. A perfect place to play while enjoying a gentle breeze! 🙂

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  24. My two daughters took piano lessons and were very good. When I married and gained a step-son he had a natural ear for music. He would listen to them practice and then sit down and play what he had heard. They were get upset after they had practiced for hours to master a piece and then he just sat down and played. They felt better when they realized if they played it wrong, that is how he would play it. I think they deliberately sometimes play the wrong note or use the wrong time just so he would not know and play the song wrong.

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  25. This is such a relatable and heartfelt story! It’s clear they both have their unique talents, and your approach to fostering their individual growth is inspiring. It can be tough to find the right balance, especially with siblings. Here’s to hoping they find their own musical paths without any sibling rivalry! 🎶❤️

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  26. Your final paragraph is brilliant. LOVE IT!

    I have absolutely no musical ability whatsoever, and am always in awe of those who do – especially kids like Miss O. I hope she continues playing for many years.

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  27. Hi Wynne, I loved reading about Miss O having perfect pitch and being a natural when it comes to singing and playing an instrument. This reminds me of when I was young from the age of 9 wanting to sing professionally ‘when I grew up.’ Well, I had my time in the spotlight until I was about 19, then I changed lanes. 🙂 Anyway, what a great story and your ending summed up the dilemma superbly. I can’t recall anything specific, but with our kids being almost four years apart, I’m sure a similar problem arose. We all survived though, and the kids are adults (29 & 33) and they love each other. So, there is hope! Have a good weekend! 🥰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Good question, Pam. I’m hiding it just for a few days until the “newness” dies down enough so that the desire to play isn’t just wanting to possess the new thing. 🙂 You have a good point about sibling rivalry! Thanks for the great comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  30. That story reminds me of so many similar stories from our house. I don’t have any words of wisdom, other than, if it is a family item (doesn’t belong to Mr D) then take turns– I get it on Monday, your turn on Tuesday… Or something like that. Good luck figuring this one out!

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  32. I have been a piano instructor for over 20 years. Whenever I teach siblings, I try my darndest to start them out with different methods. If the same method happens to be ideal for both, then I have to use other strategies in an attempt to forego unnecessary comparisons.

    However, in any case, it has always been helpful to explain to them the truth: that they each have their very own custom-sized measuring stick and it is futile to try to measure themselves by any other stick than their own personalized one.

    As an example, a gifted sibling may have breezed right through a piece during a lesson, but as a teacher that recognizes that, due to lax practicing that week, they missed some key details that had been discussed, that gifted sibling may have fallen short. Meanwhile, the less gifted sibling may still struggle with key aspects of the assignment; but, if I can tell that they did indeed put the in work, they may have risen above.

    While it does sound a bit like Miss O may be craving that limelight, and you know her best, if she truly IS interested in learning the guitar and less interested in the limelight, maybe set a reasonable timeframe of when she may start lessons. Something like, “If by such-and-such date, Mr. D has not yet expressed further interest, you may start playing the guitar and/or have lessons.” Or some such thing…

    I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

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