Fear and Courage

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“A man with outward courage dares to die, a man with inner courage dares to live.” – Lao Tzu

This was published previously on 3/22/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

Before I left for three-hours the other day, I told my three-year-old son that his favorite babysitter was going to come hang out with him. Because he adores her, I was surprised at his answer and the vehemence with which it was said, “This is dumb. I don’t like her. No, you can’t go.”

It took me a second to realize that the last time I left him with her, it was for four days. I started to explain, “I’m just going to be gone for a few hours.”

He replied, “Mama, I’m scared.”

As soon as he said he was scared, his mood changed from angry to calm. It’s like it popped the bubble of fear so that we could move on.

I said, “Right. I can understand that. But I’m not going on a trip. I’ll be back by lunchtime.”

He said cheerily, “Kay. How bout this deal? I play with her and then we’ll have lunch.”

Deal.

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

George Adair

I think somehow I missed the memo about acknowledging fear. Growing up in a household with infectiously joyful and confident parents led me to assume they didn’t have any fears. So I’ve blustered through life without admitting my own.

One of the most ironic is that I have a fear of heights and yet I choose mountain climbing and rock climbing as hobbies and tried to just stampede over my fear. I remember a few years back doing a bouldering route at the climbing gym. These bouldering routes 12 -18 feet high and are climbed without ropes in a section of the gym padded with thick mats. I was on a wall that was angled out so I was climbing horizontally, my body almost parallel to the ground, couldn’t see what I was reaching for, and needed to shift my weight carefully to stay on the wall. I was in a position somewhat like I am in the photo below but I wasn’t smiling!

All of a sudden, I felt the full impact of my fear which amped up because I was five months pregnant at the time. I couldn’t move, my arms felt like they weighed two tons, I felt a heat flush all over my body. Then it passed, and I was 10 feet up, completely exhausted and wrung out. I managed to down climb a couple of feet and drop from there, landing on my feet and rolling tiredly onto my back.

I still climb – but not without acknowledging my fear before I get on the wall. It’s like saying “hello” on flat ground so I don’t have to greet it on trickier ground. I also didn’t climb again while I was pregnant. Regardless of all the assurances that babies in utero are fine being jostled, I realized it magnified my anxiety too exponentially.

This incident in concert with becoming more willing to be authentic and vulnerable have led me to understand that there is more room for courage once I let out my fear. That is to say, once I admit I’m afraid, it’s like a full exhale, after which I can take in a deep breath of courage.

“The perfect breath is this: Breathe in for about 5.5 seconds, then exhale for 5.5 seconds.”

James Nestor in Breathe

I bring up the perfect breath as described in James Nestor’s book Breathe because it has a spiritual connection. Nestor also notes that if we recite the Ava Maria or Om Mani Padme Om or the Sa Ta Ma Na (Kundalini Chant) – they all take about the same amount of time of 5.5 seconds.

That ties to the final element to expressing my fear that I’ve found to be at play – the spiritual connection. It isn’t until I own my vulnerability that I can receive help. Sometimes that’s from another person but more often it’s delivered in spiritual and mysterious ways. It’s the element I couldn’t see about my dad – that he didn’t seem to have any fears because he had so much faith.

“Our strength with continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable.”

Melody Beattie

My lived experience resonates with Melody Beattie’s words. We can’t receive courage until we acknowledge that we need it because we’re afraid. Whether it’s taking on a bully, walking your authentic and individual path, risking to be vulnerable in a relationship, or any of the other million ways we need courage, I’ve found the relief comes much more quickly if we don’t muscle our way through but simply say, as my son did, “I’m scared.”

(featured photo from Pexels)

50 thoughts on “Fear and Courage”

  1. Pingback: In Hindsight - Wise & Shine

  2. What a nice reflective post to revisit, Wynne. You put so nicely into words the sage advice that by labeling our emotions, such as fear, we own them rather than them owning us.

    As an aside, I do wish we could find a babysitter that we are comfortable to leave T with. A four-day childless getaway sounds nice! 😆🤣

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  7. This reminds me of a story I heard recently. Someone was talking about how their dad would always shout his feelings. “I’m scared!” “I’m angry!” “I’m happy!”. I thought this was such an intuitive way to get to know our feelings. Announce them, introduce them, make friends with them, and keep moving forward.

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  10. Lions, and tigers and bears, oh my. It takes a great amount of vulnerability to admit our fears and I’m thinking that might have to do with how I was raised. Chin up, eyes open, mouth closed. but i agree with Awakening Wonders, “how we handle our fears determines where we go with the rest of our lives.” So true. Hugs, C

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  11. These are life lessons for all of us! We’re afraid of “FACING our FEARS” because it can almost seem monolithic when we first look at it, yet for many of us non-rock-climbers, it’s nice to know we can take the path up, may take a little longer, but is very doable! I mean this in the figurative and the literal sense!

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  13. I am so happy you wrote this! Growing up with a mom who had so many health issues and was as effection has she could be. Issaw the fear in her and i feel I grown to except fear as part of life .The funny thing is I do say im scared like your son when I fear something even if its only to myself.It does feel like a bubble popung and then you move on to except it.I know what I wanted to say but explaining it is hard.

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  15. Cool photo of you climbing — looks like you’re having fun! Also, this post is wonderful in your experience leading you to more open to authenticity and vulnerability. Reading this is a glowing reminder of those attributes 🌞

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    1. Thank you, Dave! It feels like a lot of life for me – realizing that the hard things are often tackled the same way as the simple things. One step at a time but with more vulnerability. I appreciate your kind comment!

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  16. Mr. D should have hit you up for a Big Mac while he was at it! Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun go a long way toward conquering fear in my experience.

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