Choose You

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“If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” – Chinese Proverb

I had a friend the other day tell me to “choose me” sometimes. The funny thing about it was that I wasn’t groaning about my life or anything else when she came up with that. In fact, I was wishing her safe and fun travels on her trip to Africa. So her comment was out of the blue and off topic which made me notice it more.

When I was about 17 or 18-years-old, my mom once made a pointed remark to me that I shouldn’t be such a caretaker. It’s taken me 30+ years to understand that the comment might have been more about her resentments in life, not mine. Also, I’ve come to see that there are people we should take care of, like children and pets, and people that we shouldn’t, like grown-ups who haven’t done their work.

But nonetheless, my mom was right about one thing, and that is I’m a pretty good caretaker. I can pretty readily set aside what I need in the moment and push through to make sure others are fed and cared for. But my friend’s comment has made me cognizant of some ways that I can “choose me”:

Steeping tea. I’ve written so much about my morning sacred time – the hour or so I take to do yoga, meditate, and write in the morning before my kids wake up. But I’ve found such reward when I take micro-moments throughout the day. Like instead of cleaning the kitchen, choosing to take a moment to focus on the scene out the window when I’m steeping my tea. Of course, my kitchen is a mess…but I’m a lot calmer to deal with it.

Morning walk. I’ve added a short walk with Cooper the puppy to my morning routine. I thought it was because it helped release some of his energy so we can settle into the day. But I’ve found, that especially when I stop my endless iteration of the to-do, to “be here now”, to look at the sky and take in the feeling of the morning, it helps to settle my energy as well.

Back rubs. At night, my kids and I snuggle into a nook we’ve built on my bedroom floor to read books. Often I rub their backs while we’re reading. It’s something I do reflexively but when I can choose to feel the smooth skin and precious life force under my hands it gives me a beautiful shiver.

Naps. I take 15 minutes to lie down every afternoon. There are times I don’t fall asleep but often I do. I find that short time to reboot the system instead of slogging through makes such a difference in my experience of the day.

I don’t know what my friend envisioned when she told me to “choose me.” Funny how that comment has made me think of the little things we can do to put on our oxygen masks throughout the day.

What things do you do to “choose you?”

One suggestion for something to do when you are choosing you – listen to Todd Fulginiti’s new album “Jazz on King, Volume 1” on Spotify, Amazon Music or Apple. Vicki and I talk with him about it on our pocast: Episode 38 Jazz on King with Todd Fulginiti

72 thoughts on “Choose You”

  2. I don’t think the world is diminished by taking time for others and our planetary home. If we lack anything, surely it is the investment and effort we need to save the planet and all the life that calls it home. Yes, put the oxygen mask first, but be aware that a trip to Africa is done at the cost of enlarging your carbon footprint and all the consequences that follow.

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  5. The first thing that stood out was how that comment from you mom has stayed with you all these years. My list is similar–walks throughout the day, sipping tea, observing nature, and gardening. The little things can be quite monumental, can’t they?

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    1. I’m with Erin. It’s striking to me how comments from loved ones (often shared in passing) can stick with us forever and have such lasting impact. I’d say your mom was right about your whole-hearted caretaking spirit, Wynne, but I love your daily practices to focus on YOU and I think that’s the key – that you and Erin both mentioned. Daily practices. Not a pileup of good intentions that accumulate through the week. This morning I had a ‘choose me’ moment – under duress. 😜 I’ve skipped the spin bike for too many days in a row and this morning I saddled up! LOL. 🥰

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      1. Yes, for better or for worse. My MIL told my boyfriend at age 5 that having kids was her biggest regret. Almost 40 years later, he still remembers and it still stings. It’s such a reminder of the importance of being mindful of our words… they’re so powerful.

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      3. I’m sorry that you had to hear something similar. It’s such a miracle that both you and he have been able to overcome that, finding joy and meaning, and also finding ways to inspire others. We aren’t solely a product of upbringing.

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      5. I still wonder how many of us heard, saw or were the focus of those sorts of comments- in passing and thought perhaps unheard, or full on told to the face as accusations? It is certainly something we all need to be mindful of, but honestly there have been times that I, both directed to myself but also to others, could have used a big old neon sign flashing: Just shut up!

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      9. This thread reminds me of one of my favorite lines from Jack Canfora, “There will be things you say and do in an offhand way that you’ll quickly forget about that will stay with others their entire lives, for better or worse.”

        Yep.

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  6. I chose me when I drink a mug of hot black coffee first thing in the morning, sitting outside if possible, by a window otherwise, and just exist in gratitude. I read nothing, I say nothing, I am at one with the universe… at least for a short time. Hallelujah!

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  7. Great “Choose You” pic Wynne, dripping with contented happiness.
    Now that all my children are grown, gone, and found their own new ‘snuggles’, one of my favorite go-to “Choose You” snuggling time is spent alone with Dad. Wandering through His wilderness, climbing among His mountain cathedrals, I rejoice realizing how undeservedly blessed I am to still be able to enjoy doing so.
    Keep snuggling your two young blessings Wynne . . . they grow up way too fast!

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  9. I like that you make sure others are cared for and to me, that’s part of my me time. Every morning I send a text to a friend, an email to another, and I call my daughter. Often no more than good morning and welcome to a new day. But it’s hard starting until I do that. And of course a nice break every afternoon with something mug of something hot or a tumbler of something cold while watching the world go by the window for 10 or 15 minutes for that midday boost.

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  11. This really spoke to me – “there are people we should take care of, like children and pets, and people that we shouldn’t, like grown-ups who haven’t done their work.” I’ve gotten a lot better about this since I discovered healing work (which is what I do for myself, in addition to naps and taking photos).

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  12. Well… there is that retirement advantage thing happening again so there’s truly lots of ability to choose me 😉 I was a full blown caretaker, which didn’t always lead to the best choices so I have learned to temper my ‘jump in full force and save the day’ moments alongside knowing just how much I like my space, my quiet, my minimal need for people… I think it might be interesting to remember this post and the conversations that come from it, tuck it away and pull it out when the kids are adults, when life falls into a different rhythm for you Wynne. Insightful self-reflection to be had in those future quiet moments… 😉

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    1. What a fantastic idea, Deb! Now that you’ve “marked” it for me, I’m going to remember to pull it back out again! And I love hearing your wisdom from retirement – knowing your limits on saving the day. So good!! ❤

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  14. Choose me. Hmm, that sounds like a good idea. A walk. Okay, I’ll get back to you Wynne with the rest of my comment, when I’m back from my afternoon walk. Ha, ha, thank you for the wonderful reminder. We do need to choose us sometimes. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  15. I like the concept of choose me. I do spend a few minutes in my backyard, taking in the birds, plants and views. I enjoy my morning routine too, before I have to start on chores and my day.

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  16. This weekend I decided to choose me. It’s my youngest granddaughter’s birthday this week and I’d have liked to make the 3 hour drive down to celebrate, but it’s been a bit of a tough couple of weeks, so focusing on my down time is important so I don’t fall ill.

    Choosing ourselves sometimes involves making tough judgment calls to take better care of ourselves.

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    1. Tough judgment calls for sure! Glad to hear you are taking care of you, Tamara but sorry it’s been a tough couple of weeks. Sending my best wishes to you and your granddaughter on her bday! ❤

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  17. “I’ve come to see that there are people we should take care of, like children and pets, and people that we shouldn’t, like grown-ups who haven’t done their work.” That is so true Wynne! Yet, those so-called grown-ups demand so much of our energy, don’t they?

    Early mornings are my “me time”. It’s when I write, journal and reflect before anyone else gets up.

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  18. Your friends advice is a wise one to follow one as she likely sees much more closely than us your readers of how much you provide to your kids and others.

    Glad you have daily moments when you choose you and I’d also argue that you need additional larger moments throughout the year when you choose yourself too.

    Hard to do as a parent, I know – so hoping you inherit that fortune from the proverb soon! 😆

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    1. Ah, what an astute comment, Ab. Right back at you, my friend! I mean you need some downtime that doesn’t involve chills and a fever. So I’m wishing you a fortune as well – I mean a real one, not the good fortune of adventure that we already have. 🙂 ❤

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      1. I took this coming week off as a staycaytion. Already an unexpected event. I just know how to pick them. 😂 But just chugging along and making the most out of it all!

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  22. After my divorce, I had to learn how to “choose me.” Essentially that was when I took the time to focus on my writing…and, boom! “No Time for Kings” was born. Today, it’s more about remembering I don’t have to fill every hour of every weekend going, going, going. I’ve learned to embrace lazier Sundays lately.

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    1. Embrace lazier Sundays — that’s a great motto. And if “choosing you” got us No Time for Kings, I hope you do it more often so we get “Earth Fights Back!”

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  23. Love this! My favorite way of choosing myself is putting on my noise-canceling headphones and listening to Gregory Alan Isakov. Hiking is also up there.

    More broadly, the exchange with your friend/this post reminds me of a recent exchange I had with a loved one. They said they looked forward to stopping certain exhausting endeavors, soon. I was like, “That’s a great start, but my vision for you is [I elaborated on the happy-things visions that had just popped to mind] and I hope you’ll think on the care you’ll take of yourself in all the time you open up when letting go all that work.” (Did the encouragement take? Who knows! But reading your post, I have a little spark of hope. : )

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    1. Oh, I love this vignette you offered, Deborah. That you painted a picture of what you envision – what a gift! I bet your words are hanging in the air just like my friends are for me! ❤

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  28. Such an interesting post. Sending like a Deja Vu moment. I am a that caretaker as well .And sadly it’s been my life. BUT now we are learning to step back .okay easier to do with the fact my children are adults.Sadly once a mom always a mom. So yes learning.I love the nap moments and I am a walker well more these days. And I have a friend who says the same to me. Haha, so it sets me wrong when she says that. So this post was so relatable.I find your day very peaceful.sorry for such a long comment.😊

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