The Dog Ate My Homework

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“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The other night our puppy ate Miss O’s homework. Such a cliché but truly, it happened. It was something she’d brought home finished, so it wasn’t like she had to turn it in. But when she saw the remnants of the paper in Cooper’s dog bed, this homework became the best thing she’d ever done.

Miss O was so angry. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my generally happy kid this angry. She wanted to hit and kick the dog. Someone had to pay for ruining her beautiful work product.

Had it been the beginning of the day, I’m not sure she would have lost it to the degree that she did. But it was the end of the day, and tolerance was down across the family.

So, I stopped her from beating the dog and felt a huge surge of anger in myself as well. Something along the lines of, “How dare you want to hit the dog for ruining things without understanding how many things of mine YOU have destroyed! And do I hit you for that? NO!!!”

Three things strike me about this.

  1. How transferrable anger is
  2. That life is defined by these moments, not just the ones where we are all happy
  3. How much energy it takes to transmute anger into something expressed but not acted upon

Scenes like this make me think about psychologist and author, Jonathan Haidt’s, metaphor of the elephant and the rider. We think our minds are in control but as the rider atop the elephant of our feelings, it’s just an illusion. Or, in this case, it takes a lot of effort for the rider to turn the elephant away from rampaging down a path.

I’ve wondered why we are designed like this but as I see this play out close up with my family, I’m struck by the possibility that how we traverse the gulf between emotion and action is in part driven by our values. We start the groove the reactions and they become at least slightly easier.

That is to say, as we train the dog, we train ourselves.

When we’d all calmed down, I told Miss O that beating a dog doesn’t make it so that it won’t eat your homework, it just makes it a mean or fearful creature. And I suspect that it makes us a little meaner or more fearful when we do the same. So, we lost a piece of homework but learned a little bit of a lesson. Probably a fair trade.

There’s no doubt that I got my values from my parents. For more on my discovery about my dad’s source of the always present glint in his eye, I’ve written a book, Finding My Father’s Faith. For a bit about the courage I learned from my dad, please see my post on Heart of the Matter: The Courage to Not Be Divisive

(featured photo is a photo of Miss O and Cooper in a calmer moment)

66 thoughts on “The Dog Ate My Homework”

  1. Pingback: The Courage to Not Be Divisive – The Heart of the Matter

  2. It takes a lot of energy to transmute anger into something expressed but not acted upon, as you wisely say, but it also takes a long time to get some positive energy back after having been angry. Good lesson learned by the way!

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    1. What an astute comment about moving back to positive energy, Cristiana! Yes, for me I’m always grateful for a good night’s sleep to help with the transition! Thanks for adding your wisdom!

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  3. You are an excellent guide for your children, Wynne. In addition, Jonathan Haidt is always a reliable reference, but he enlarges one point, at least as I understand his work:

    “We think our minds are in control but as the rider atop the elephant of our feelings, it’s just an illusion. Or, in this case, it takes a lot of effort for the rider to turn the elephant away from rampaging down a path.”

    Haidt adds to this point by telling us that we are unaware that our feelings lead our thoughts rather than follow them. As he describes it, the emotional reaction is so quickly followed by the brain-producing reasons for our decision (to express anger) that we believe the reasons come first. Thus, we are unaware that our rage is unjustified (if indeed it is unjustified) at the anger’s flash point.

    When parents get control of their anger at their child and pull it back, I suspect they have well-developed ideas about the role of angry expressions toward the kids BEFORE anger-inducing incidents occur. Then, as you say, they can sometimes get control with much effort.

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    1. Ah, what a wonderful clarification, Dr. Stein. Your point about the feeling first/rationale after reminds me that I’ve heard Haidt say that and I could have done a better job of describing that. But I really resonate with your remark that as grown-ups, our well-developed ideas help to gain control because they are practiced before the event has even occurred. Thank you for this very insightful comment.

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  4. Oh, those life lessons just keep on coming, don’t they? One way or another we receive opportunities to help us realize that we can make a choice between anger, acceptance, fear, love. How else would we grow without contrast? I am so grateful to you, Miss O and Mini Coop for yet another reminder of those choices! I love that every life lesson that you all share is of benefit to me too. Thanks. I needed that!

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    1. Oh, I’m so taken by your question, “How else would we grow without contrast?” It illuminates the way these lessons come and to be thankful for them!! Yes!! Thank you, dear Julia!

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  6. Learning to cope with Cooper . . . there’s a hidden lesson in every trial Wynne, and kudos to your parenting wisdom to share it with Miss O . . . good work Mom.

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    1. A hidden lesson in every trial. Amen, Fred!! We’ve got a lot to learn, that’s for sure. Thanks for coming along for the ride and encouraging us along the way!! ❤

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  7. “We start the groove” really jumps out at me right now. I had the most remarkable couple of convos last Sunday morning, and what that all has helped make clear, from a compassion-informed enacted-values perspective, is there’s lots of room to grow. That much “lots” can feel daunting, but it’s less so from a “start the [new] groove” one. The new grooves are growing, and that’s lovely from a deeper-time view. Thanks. 🙂

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  8. Did Miss O leave her homework where the puppy had access to it? If so, she may share in the responsibility of its destruction and has learned another life lesson in addition to the one you taught her. 🙂

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  9. This may be the first time I’ve heard anyone admit to the old cliche. For that alone I’m charmed by this story. However handling the issue of anger at something that is beyond your control is a life skill. You’re doing a good job of helping your children with that.

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    1. I’m laughing, Ally. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard an actual dog ate my homework story either. And had Miss O never found the one corner of it remaining, it might have gone unnoticed. 🙂

      Such a good point about handling the anger – I know I still work on how to express it clearly instead of burying it. A lifelong lesson my kids are helping me with too! 🙂

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  10. Interesting chain of events and emotions, and their inter-connectedness. I wonder if Miss O recognized the feelings below the anger? I wonder what the feelings below the anger were for you?

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    1. Oh, such an astute set of questions, David. You’re good! I think Miss O was coming down from playing the piano for a new audience and was tired at a level she didn’t realize. And for me – it was horror that the grace I show my kids doesn’t automatically turn into them being graceful. “What, one more thing I’m supposed to teach here?” kinda thing… Either of those make sense to you?

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  11. Oh dear. Anger is a tricky one. My 7-year-old granddaughter says : “Let’s not talk about it” when she gets angry. What we learn about life from the littles.

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  12. It’s all too easy to let our emotions get the best of us. It sounds like this was a lesson for everyone. “I’m struck by the possibility that how we traverse the gulf between emotion and action is in part driven by our values.” This feels so true–emotions are more automatic than logical decisions, so those core values are probably the elephant. Easier to train the elephant in advance, isn’t it?

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  13. Love the honesty and truth here…especially your ever-keen awareness of how the energy in your household shifts from morning to evening. The fact that you’re tuned in — not just to the kids (and golly, now Cooper’s) rhythms as well as your own gives you such an advantage but crazy stuff still happens! Cheers to Miss O learning with and from her mama. 🥰

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  14. I find my heightened anger reactions come with struggles in the areas that matter the most to me, things I feel passionate about, things that I see as never changing patterns where walls being put up stop learning and progression and just being better both personally and as a society. Encountering someone who feeds into those prevailing patterns irks me to no end and I honestly don’t want to stay silent, observe or listen- probably because I’ve been down that road so many times before.

    Sincerely Wynne, I can say kudos to people like your dad for his mighty ability to rein his emotions in, and to you for passing those lessons on to O & D, and even Cooper 😉

    This may be a combo comment for HoTM as well. That post has disappeared from my feed but once I hunt it out I may add more there! Loving WP today 😉

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    1. Oh, I totally resonate with your list of where things that heighten the anger reaction. Yes, the things that not just make me angry but light up a whole string of Christmas lights in my emotional response. 🙂

      Thank you for your lovely comment on both of these posts – sorry for the WP fun today!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  16. “How much energy it takes to transmute anger into something expressed but not acted upon.” I’ve been thinking about this statement. What an amazing truth. I suspect most wars and many arguments come down to this simple statement. We get angry and it takes so much effort to turn it into something else. Your comment about anger being transferrable is so true too. I’m angry for Miss O just reading your story. Her hard work gone poof up in the air. Oh, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper. Ha, ha. I’m thinking the next time I run into an issue where I get angry, maybe you and Miss O can give me a course on how to transfer my aggression into something positive!!!!! Can you train old elephants new tricks? Ha, ha, well said Wynne. Interesting post.

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    1. Honestly, Brian, I wrote that statement from a place of being totally drained after the night in question so it was more intuitive than anything. But your comment makes me look at it again and wow, your observation is so astute. As for calling us – yes, please do. We probably won’t be able to help at all but we can likely have so much chaos going on around here that we’ll make you feel better…. 🙂 Although I have a hard time picturing you getting mad at anyone! Thank you for the great comment!

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  17. I love the explanation you gave to your daughter that beating the dog wouldn’t stop him from eating homework, but would only make mean or fearful. That is so true and you’re correct that it doesn’t do much for us either. Wonderful post.

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. I wrote that out of a suspicion that we all fear being treated the same way we treat others so I appreciate you picking up that sentence. I have no proof but believe it’s true.

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  20. Anger is a powerful, yet very normal human emotion. What we do with it is important. It isn’t just about suppressing it, only for it to come out later in a different way, but to work through it, to see what are the deeper triggers and see how we might change things to alter future outcomes.

    When my daughter was young we had a dog who chewed up clothes she left lying around on the floor. She wanted to get angry at the dog, but if she hadn’t left the things laying around, it wouldn’t happen! It was a difficult lesson to learn!

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    1. A great comment, Tamara. Yes, to learn from leaving things lying around on the floor. Yes! But also to find out way how to work through it instead of suppressing it. Such a great point!

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  21. It looks like the process of eating the homework opened up an even bigger and important learning moment for Miss O. This is lovely, Wynne, how you find the positives in each moment. It is so true that how we react to things ends up informing how it plays out and how others are also shaped by that reaction. It is always easier said than done – I know this first hand with my explosive child – but so important to try.

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    1. So important to try – exactly, Ab! And funny how it informs some other actions. Today I learned Cooper ate one of our soft nerf balls when I was on a call and for better or worse, I threw away the evidence before it could be discovered…. 🙂

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  22. This story beautifully illustrates the delicate balance between emotions and actions, and how our values play a crucial role in navigating that space. It’s impressive how you intervened to prevent Miss O from reacting in anger toward the dog, recognizing the importance of not letting emotions dictate our actions.

    The comparison to the elephant and the rider is thought-provoking; indeed, our emotions often steer us, and it takes conscious effort to redirect them in a more constructive way. Teaching the dog and teaching ourselves seem to go hand in hand in this journey of self-control and understanding.

    The lesson shared here reminds us that even in moments of frustration and anger, there’s an opportunity for growth and learning, for both Miss O and ourselves. Values passed down through generations shape our responses, and it’s heartening to see how you’re passing on wisdom to the next generation. 💫

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    1. Wow – thank you for the thoughtful and insightful comment. You are so right about the generational values and how they are passed without thinking. I appreciate your reading and wonderful response!

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  25. Once, in high school, I used “the dog ate my homework” as an excuse because I figured, nobody would actually choose such a lame reason unless it really happened. I think I told my teacher that, too. And she bought it!

    Oh, young Mark. Quite the rapscallion, weren’t you?

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  26. Pingback: Photos of the Week: October 14 – Surprised By Joy

      2. Ah yes, I think all that we’ve learned is easy to forget. But can be so fun when we have those moments of looking back and celebrating. Yay, us! 🙂 ❤

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  28. What a wonderful post on emotional development, and yes how it is very contagious. When clients, students say, “I am so angry or mad” I pull out my emotional wheel. Then ask , “If you can’t use the word angry or mad, what word would you choose, and why?” This often catches them off guard, but also allows many of them to refocus and think about how they are truly feeling…

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