Let’s Not Be Grabby

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“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” – Dalai Lama

The other evening, I was out walking with my little family. We’d managed to get our puppy Cooper to walk a whole block in a semi-efficient fashion before we ran into some friends and it became a puppy love fest. Then more friends pulled up in their car and the whole family piled out after a three week road trip, with that day being a seven-hour stretch. Their three kids got into the puppy/kid mix and it was an excited muddle of energy.

Amidst all the noise and excitement, I heard Miss O trying to help the 6-year-old neighbor girl get the juggling balls from the girl’s older brother.  Miss O advised the girl, “If you ask nicely, maybe he’ll just give them to you.”

This thing is something we’ve worked on again and again in my family – the practice to ask for something from someone else instead of just trying to grab it or take it because you fear they are going to say “no.”

Watching my kids has made me connect with how strong an impulse it is to just take something. The way I experience it, it’s an incredibly powerful fear that if you ask that you’ll just get turned down so it’ll be better to craft another way by force or trickery to get what you want. Is it the beginning of vulnerability?

When I was telling Miss O and Mr. D stories at bedtime the other night, I told them the story of when I was in preschool and found some brand-new erasers in a box. They were absolutely beautiful – never used and had the alphabet on them. I wanted them so badly, so I filled my pockets with them. And then to create a back story, I dropped the erasers on the way home from school and pretended to find them. Yep, my mom didn’t buy it, and I had to give them back.

 But I feel it even now when I’m working with others. I’m inclined to forge a path that doesn’t involve having to ask someone else, mostly because of impatience. When I’m working with Vicki Atkinson, on the Heart of the Matter blog, I find myself having to consciously slow my roll to run something by her before making a decision or sending out an invitation to someone we want to podcast with. Thank goodness she is so incredibly smart and fast in responding because both reinforce the wonderful benefits of collaborating.

Given my own inclinations, I’ve worked and worked with my kids to ask before they take something from each other – even if it’s just goldfish crackers. And then our rule is that we have to abide by that answer, even if we have the strength and power just to take it. I’ve noticed that if they just ask straight off, the answer is often “yes.” If they ask after they’ve already been tussling about it, the answer is frequently “no.”

It is so hard to fight against the fear we won’t get something that we want. But hearing Miss O advise our young neighbor to ask made me think we’re making some progress. And guess what? The girl asked nicely and her older brother happily handed her the balls she wanted.

Now if I could just get Cooper not to nip when he wants attention.

59 thoughts on “Let’s Not Be Grabby”

  5. Oh…the joy in hearing those words come out of Miss O’s mouth. Isn’t it the best? When you know the wisdom got through…so much so that she could retrieve it…and share it…at a ‘just right’ moment? LOVE! And thanks for the shout out about partnering, partner. Another joy? Working with you! 🥰🥰🥰

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      1. Ummm….right back at YOU! Folks have no idea. You put up with a lot. Good thing you’re so talented at collaborative blog work…and sound editing…tending to the giggle fests when we’re recording. I guess we should thank our guests, too? LOL! 😜

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  6. Love these lessons Wynne, especially since I’ve had the privilege of seeing them in action with the kids 🙂 They clearly aren’t made for the littles alone though. Asking versus simply taking really does drive a kinder, more connected outlook.

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    1. I love what you say about not just for little ones – yes! You put it so well – a kinder, more connected outlook. For sure – our world would be better if adults practiced this as well!! Happy Friday, Deb! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. How sweet to see Miss O pass the lesson on to the other little girl. It just serves to highlight what a great job you’re doing teaching your own kids those valuable lessons. 😊

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  8. I’m sitting at my desk taking a quick break from work. I’m waiting for someone to get back to me and my first thought was that I could just take an action on my own or I could “ask nicely, maybe he’ll just” give me what I need. My reaction: Dang nab-it. Your kids are smarter than me again!!! Ha ha, it’s a great lesson for kids … and, errrr, Adults like me!!😂😂😂😂

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  11. The word “labor” is inside the word “collaboration”.

    Coincidence? I think not.

    Also, the fact that Miss O used those words gives evidence that your parenting endeavors are being caught. So, good on you!

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    1. Oh, Natalie – that’s such a good point. The energy of “want” is so powerful – and speaking for myself, palpable in adulthood. Thank you for the kind comment, my friend!

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  13. Your post reminds me about a situation it happened to me at work. I asked a colleague his legal advice, because he used to be the expert on that matter (now he left for another job, lucky us, you will see why). I am usually kind to people, I am not arrogant, so I simply asked him if he could help me on that particular topic. Guess what? He said no, he could’ve help I was supposed to do it, it was not his job to help others! Excuse me? I was shocked, I reported to my manager who was also a legal but expert in other topics, who was also shocked. To make a long story short, I asked another colleague from another agency, but I can’t forget that episode. So, my two cents to your beautiful post Wynne, is that you have to be smart to accept and say yes to what others ask you. And your children seem really smart.

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    1. What a fascinating story, Cristiana! Yes, it’s almost smart to accept and say “yes.” If nothing else, for the simple reason that it comes back around. But also because it feels good. Thanks for adding this comment!

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    1. You are so right, Cheryl – most people are generous! I often find this lesson applying to me when I want to eat something off their plates that they aren’t eating. Good for adults to remember too! 🙂 ❤

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  15. Wynne, you have done such an excellent job with your lovely little ones!
    I like that you have taught them this important lesson :
    “And then our rule is that we have to abide by that answer, even if we have the strength and power just to take it.”
    Have a great weekend.

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    1. Ahh, Mary, you are so kind. I’m doing my best and I’m sure falling way short of perfect. But we’re getting somewhere… 🙂 Hope you are enjoying these first days of September!

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  17. In kindergarten, I was playing with a doll carriage. Someone tried to take it from me and when I resisted, she bit my arm. I wailed, of course, and we both ended up in the principal’s office. I thought I was in trouble because I refused to let her have it. Much to my surprise, she was the one in trouble for biting me when I wouldn’t give in. Obviously a lifelong lesson, because it’s still fresh in my mind after reading your story. Ask, don’t take. So simple, so wise!

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    1. Wow, what a story. You got bitten?? Wow – I’m not surprised it is so memorable. Ask, don’t take. But isn’t it amazing how strong the impulse can be not to ask sometimes? Thanks for sharing that story, dear Julia!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  20. All of this is so relatable, and such good food for improved-future-action thought. While I’ve greatly improved in my slowed-roll skills on-sabbatical (and already seen many benefits), there’s room to grow yet, and I gratefully receive the spacious invitation to keep working to grow in your words here. ❤

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    1. I love your words about the “spacious invitation.” What amazes me in watching my kids and then checking in with myself is how strong that impulse is to move forward, to not ask, to fear waiting out the impulsivity to just act right away. And when I resist it, goodness happens! But that feeling, at least for me, has such much power! And I love reading about your journey about all things – but in this matter as well!

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      1. That feeling does have so much power! Much as I feel I’ve learned to really tune into it and catch it BEFORE acting on it, I am … welcomed by (cough) periodic reminders that I’m not catching it up-front nearly every time.

        I’m at a C instead of an F for catching it before acting, which is … certainly progress, if not the A+/gold star for consistency I’d like to already be earning! :p

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      2. I think this is one that we can’t catch up front every time. I’ll speak for myself – but when I’m tired, overwhelmed, or run-down, I’m much more likely to not want to do the work to ask or be collaboratively patient! So I think I’m a “C” too. Glad to know I’m in good company! ❤

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  21. So delightful when you observe your children learning the GOOD habits from you, esp when we also sometimes observe them unintentionally learning the bad habits. Oops. I’m so pleased for you and for that girl who got the juggling balls. You, via Miss O, taught the girl a valuable lesson as well. And how cute about all the people coming out to join you all. Dogs are a great way to make friends. Maybe you should find a dog park nearby. 🙂 🙂 😉 😉

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    1. Yes – about the good lessons and the bad habits!! As soon as Cooper gets his next round of shots, we are all over the dog parks!! 🙂 Although the neighborhood is pretty fun too! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. I love that you have a fun neighborhood. People need people. These interactions create joy on all sides. If Cooper were narrating this tail (had to do it), he would be saying, “Look at all the humans I’m bringing together. I’m just a little furball of happiness and friendship. Rough!”

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  22. Fear of rejection is big one for both kids and continued into our adulthood. Too bad you couldn’t erase that erased memory but it serves you well now as a story to share with your kids. Looks like Miss O absorbed that important lesson and practiced it well with your neighbour.

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