Bemoaning Our Fate

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“You’re allowed to scream. You’re allowed to cry. But do not give up.” – unknown

This is a repost of writing I posted on 1/12/22. Heads up – you may have already read this.

Year ago I was writing a technical book with two business partners. It was a beast – 737 pages of dense and technical content. We divided up the chapters that each of us was going to write. I agreed to do more than the others because I’d written a technical book before. But it was still a pretty equitable split until one of my partners said he couldn’t do it. He said something to me like, “It’s so easy for you to do. You should take my chapters.” I was shocked. It wasn’t easy for me at all — I’d been sitting at my desk 12 hours a day, 6 days a week to get my portion done by the publisher’s deadline. I’d simply been too busy to sit around talking about how hard it was!

Which has always made me wonder, is there any benefit to bitching about life or bemoaning our fate?

This question makes me think of the tennis player John McEnroe. Given his reputation as someone who would contest a line call, did he get better calls from judges who wanted to make sure they were solid when they called a ball he hit out?

Even if there was an advantage to his tantrums, the fact remained that he had to be a person who could throw them.

It’s actually being a referee (aka a parent) that has taught me that there are two components to whether or not expressing our hardships in life makes a difference: authentic expression and boundaries.

The other day my 2-year-old son wanted to play with water in the sink. It was almost time to go somewhere and I didn’t want him soaked so I told him “no.” He said for the very first time, “I fustated!” I told him how incredibly proud I was of him for recognizing that he was frustrated. “Good for you for knowing that! But you still can’t play in the sink.”

Which leads me to my conclusion about whether or not life is easier if we expound on the pains of life to others. We have to express our life conditions authentically and that expression will improve our own ability to cope. There is always a need to speak to our honest experiences and when we do that, others understand us in a deeper way that supersedes whether or not it changes the outcome.

And the second part is that we all need to set and hold our personal boundaries of what we can or cannot do. Expressing ourselves probably won’t change how other people defer to us one way or the other. But it will change the one thing that matters – how we feel about the work we do.

As I parent, I know I change a little based on how my kids might react. I’m likely to soft pedal something that I know is going to start a fit, especially if I know my kids are tired. But even though I’ll change the delivery, I don’t change my decisions based on how it’ll be received because I have to hold the boundaries. In the case of my toddler playing in the water, I didn’t have the time or patience to change his clothes one more time before we left the house. I appreciated his ability to express to me that he was frustrated. The answer was still “no.”

John McEnroe wrote a book (co-authored with James Kaplan) published in 2002. The title, You Cannot Be Serious, was derived from his most often used phrase during the fantastic fits he used to throw when he disagreed with a line call. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!

In the book, he’s pretty reflective of his emotions and maturity between age 18 when he started winning on the tour and age 43 when he wrote the book. He recounts a time he went off during a match the summer when he was 18, “I ended up winning the match, but I was incredibly embarrassed – as I should have been. I was totally spent, and showing the strain.”

Then near the end of the book, John McEnroe talked about his life as a father of eight kids and provided a telling reflection about maturity:

“I loved being a father. It was also the hardest work, by far, that I’d ever done. When your children range in age from the teens down to the teeny, it feels as though you’re in charge or a laboratory conducting multiple experiments, all of them dangerous and combustible, but just possibly life-saving. Every day seemed to bring situations that would try the patience of a saint – let alone John McEnroe. Of course there were times I lost it (there still are), but when you’re responsible to other people, and especially very young people, you quickly learn that you have to find ways to control yourself. However much you may feel the need to let off steam, the needs of people who depend on you for everything come first.”

You Cannot Be Serious – John McEnroe

In other words, we have the right to express our feelings about our experience. That expression will change as we mature and become more responsible to others. And if we lose it in as public of a forum as John McEnroe, we may have to write a book to apologize.

And then as we mature, we hold the boundaries of what we can or cannot do. Because at the end of the day, the only human who will likely think in great depth about our life is ourselves. And the only person who knows what we can handle is ourselves. As Vicki from Victoria Ponders writes so beautifully – it’s My Life, My Happiness.

When I took on the chapters that my business partner was not able to write, I did tell him that writing was hard for me too. (And I know there are many writers, especially technical writers who read this blog and can attest to the difficulty). But I didn’t belabor the point. It isn’t my personality. Writing more chapters was within my boundaries of what I could do. In the end, I was proud of the book we wrote, non-equitable distribution of work and all.

I have a new post today on the Wise & Shine blog: How to Recover From a Bad Post

(Featured photo from Pexels)

55 thoughts on “Bemoaning Our Fate”

  1. I’m not sure what I love more…the sharing about being slammed by a writing partner to do his work because it seemed you wrote without effort, when in fact you’d just been busy DOING the work and not complaining about it…OR Mr. D’s observation about his feeling — fustrated — and your reply — acknowledging his feeling/vocab but holding your ground. 🥰

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    2. I think these are my 2 favorites too! I didn’t learn the word frustrated until I was much older. Teaching kiddos these words is a powerful boost for their ability to express themselves, and for us to understand them. Too often kids just act out when they’re frustrated, and if they had the opportunity to express themselves verbally, imagine how much angst could be bypassed!

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  2. I haven’t done any technical writing in over a decade, maybe I need to reflect on this a little longer…but this post resonates deeply, Wynne. 😉

    That’s great how people tend to compare the parenting journey with the career journey or aspects of it because there are so many similarities, aren’t there…

    There are times when I wish I had been wiser and more concerned with upholding and respecting my own boundaries in past career decisions or job projects, but at least today I can look back and acknowledge that I have learned something and that I am here today because of those lessons. I’m in a better headspace now.

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    1. So many similarities, Claudette! I’m so glad you said that. And I love your observation about your lessons learned and how they’ve gotten you to where you are today. Thanks for reading!

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  3. Wow, this is so profound, Wynne. There is something truly connective about expressing ourselves authentically – “I fustated!” – and being acknowledged, yet it’s just as important to accept our boundaries and then hold the line. There is a level of ease that comes when we find that balance.

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  4. Good decision. As unfair as it may have been, he would have done a lousy job and pulled the end result down. But shame on him for committing, then backing out. He could have used it as an opportunity, asking for your help to learn how to do it better, instead of offloading it. You learned from it, but I do wonder after reading your story, did he?

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    1. What a great point about not letting him tank the project, Susan. He was a complex character – by which I mean I think he learned something but not necessarily what you and I would think. 😉

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  5. imho, the benefit to bitching about life, or bemoaning fate, is to have a shared experience with those you love … to give the ones who love you the opportunity to offer support and encouragement. to lift each other up.

    in your example with your co-worker above, i’d definitely need more than, “it’s easier for you … ” and, i probably would sound a little mcenroe-ish, “seriously??!! … you can’t complete your 250 pages?!!” that isn’t to say that i wouldn’t have chipped in and helped. i’m saying i want to understand my co-worker’s difficulty with the assignment: bitch to me, moan to me, tell me how you really feel! because, just like you told your son, it’s okay to feel frustrated, but the answer might still be NO.

    btw, for me, there is a difference between someone that moans/complains yet still gets the job done -vs- someone that moans/complains to get out of doing absolutely nothing.

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    1. Oh, I love your McEnroe-ish reply to my co-worker, linnie! I wish I’d have thought of that so many years ago. 🙂

      And your distinction between moaning and getting the job done versus getting out of the work is great. So a big difference!

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  6. You have some truly important reflections and lessons in here, Wynne. Very worthy of repeating. Btw, I’ve always felt that parenting provided me with the most useful skills in success in the workplace. Patience, listening skills, successful negotiating, the importance of showing respect in both directions … parenting provides it all! 😊

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  7. Sharing authentically especially in a close relationship is like building a bridge. I love how you made the distinction about the boundaries remaining the same regardless of the expression. I’ll have to think about that. I think at times when my children were young occasionally they could talk me into things or as you mentioned I would adjust the message based on the possibility of a tantrum, or pick the time differently. Though you’re quite right in saying the boundary should remain the same. Insightful post a Wynne. (Of course) 😁💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an interesting comment, Alegria. Maybe there’s a fine distinction between boundaries and decisions. Hmmm, I’m going to have to think about that. Thanks for adding your insight and wisdom!

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  8. WP is eating my comments, so I’ll just say being the one who gets things done comes with a certain amount of jealousy from those who cannot follow through. I’ve found that often enough in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow – that is an astute observation, Ally. Kinda makes me think about some of my relationships in new light. Thank you – and sorry for WP eating your comments. I’m glad you got this one through!

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. What a kind comment. I’ve always wondering if drama or complaining could have benefits but just have never had the personality to give it a try… 🙂

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      2. Maybe they are specific to things like line calls for McEnroe – I wonder if line judges would second guess themselves if they thought he’d throw a fit??

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  10. There is that momentary gratification that comes with bitching about an issue- that release of ‘fustration’ as Mr. D noted. I sort of think there are moaners in this world, and there are doers in this world, and maybe sometimes the doers unconsciously reinforce the habits of the moaners. There is nothing wrong with sticking to boundaries and saying no, kindly but emphatically. You end up keeping yourself on an even path without feeling overwhelmed, plus *maybe* you supply the moaners with some wisdom about life in general when they come to hear the word no to their complaints. 😉

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  11. Lots of takeaways. The first thing I thought of when I read your piece was an old coworker. He was well respected, but anytime you asked how he was doing he went on and on how he was slammed. We all had a similar workload, it became a joke that he was always busy. So on one hand I get why folks put their head down and power through, but then like Mr. D I do value the ability, esp in this day and age, to put into words our frustrations and challenges!!!! It’s been said already, but I think there’s great value in being authentic to yourself!

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    1. Hilarious about your coworker. Funny how every office has one! And you’re right – great value to being authentic. Yes! And kids with their natural authenticity show me that all the time! Thanks for a great comment, Brian!

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  12. Your fine essay sent my thoughts in a different direction, Wynne. John McEnroe is a good example of an unfortunate human problem. We look up to athletes and performers, sometimes using their behavior as a model for ourselves. McEnroe’s license to act like a child grew from his athletic talent, good looks, celebrity, ability to draw a crowd, and the way we tolerate and accept the boundary-stretching by those who should know better and do better.

    Both on and off the public stage, it has long been true that people misbehave because they can. Think of some bosses we have all encountered.

    It would have been even worse if McEnroe were a politician.

    Ironically, your son (even beyond his impressive vocabulary as a two-year-old) is a better model of restraint and complaint. At least we can excuse him for the bad moment you describe.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a great point, Dr. Stein. It reminds me of our podcast conversation and your comment on the same subject about how Carlo Maria Guilini was so admirable.

      And you’re right, it would have been worse if McEnroe were a politician. But I also like in reading his book and the tiny excerpt I included, that he matured and learned.

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      1. I agree, Wynne. I wonder if he made private apologies to all those he blew up at, in addition. That would have been appropriate. Nameless apologizing in a book many of his targets probably didn’t read is unclear, to me at least, as to its value.

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  14. I remember this post and I think the two key points that resonated with me then still do so now:

    1. The importance of validating our children’s feelings and emotions while still setting and maintaining the boundaries. This has been such a value lesson for me.

    2. Venting is productive in small doses. 😆

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    1. I love your “venting is productive in small doses.” Yes!! And I agree about validating our kids’ feelings – something you are so good at. It’s a hard practice but one that pays dividends, right?

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  17. When I saw the tennis ball, I thought Wynne will be writing about the French Open I just watched last week! But instead, you took me on an insightful journey of dealing with our emotions – nice work!

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  19. I guess there might be some benefit in enabling us to get something off our chest, but beyond that, I don’t see any. John McEnroe was the ultimate crybaby, but at least he appears to have gained some maturity and wisdom over the years.

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    1. I’m with you, Mark. I have a hard time expressing it too. Yes, McEnroe has thankfully learned some perspective since then — and that makes it interesting to read (IMHO).

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  21. Sometimes griping, venting, complaining….whatever you call it can act as a pressure relief valve, allowing you to release some of the ‘fustated’ feelings and allow you to continue with what needs to be done. Then there are those who pack up and move into that space…spending all their time bemoaning their fate when they could be using that time and energy to do something about it. 💞

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