Useful at Any Age

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“A lifetime is so precious, and so brief, and can be used so beautifully.” – Pema Chödrön

A while back, Miss O asked me if teenagers wanted to be little kids. When I said I didn’t believe so, she explained the question – if she, at age seven, wants to be a teenager, and her aunt in her 50’s wants to be younger, then what age do teenagers want to be?

I recently learned from Jennifer Senior, a staff writer at The Atlantic, that it is fairly common, especially in people over 40-years-old, to think of themselves as an age different than their years. This concept has the name “subjective age.” In her piece, The Puzzling Gap Between How Old You Are and How Old You Think You Are, she explains that, “Adults over 40 perceive themselves to be, on average, about 20 percent younger than their actual age.” People under 25 tend to think of themselves as older.

The article is delightfully filled with data, anecdotes, and links to research, as one would expect from The Atlantic and Jennifer Senior. A few things stood out to me:

David C. Rubin, a psychology and neuroscience professor at Duke, has found “the adults have an outsize number of memories from the ages of about 15 to 25. They call this phenomenon ‘the reminiscence bump.’ (This is generally used to explain why we’re so responsive to the music of our adolescence)”

Also, the gap of perceived age is greater in Western cultures than in Asia or Africa, or places where elders are more respected.

And one of Jennifer Senior’s conclusions about this mental trick really stuck with me, “If you mentally view yourself as younger—if you believe you have a few pivots left—you still see yourself as useful; if you believe that aging itself is valuable, an added good, then you also see yourself as useful.”

The three ways of seeing our subjective age: wanting to be older like Miss O does, seeing ourselves as younger than our actual years, or liking the age we’re at because we’re seen as respected and valuable, share the common ground of wanting to have agency and feel generative. It reminds me of my dad whose motto of service to others was “I just want to be useful.”

May we all feel useful, at whatever age we believe ourselves to be.

For a related post, about the perspective gained when I met someone that reminded me of who I was 15 years ago, check out my Heart of the Matter post: Better Off Without

(featured photo from Pexels)

70 thoughts on “Useful at Any Age”

  1. Pingback: Better Off Without – The Heart of the Matter

  2. This is an important and interesting finding that has been around for a while.

    One question it leads to is how much of this is built in to our desire to keep death at a distance and how much is built into our genetic inheritance. Does the reduced appearance of this effect in African and Asian cultures eliminate it completely? Is there more than correlation to justify the hypothesis that such cultural differences explain the diminished effect?

    As we know, correlation is not proof of causation. Thanks, Wynne.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Great questions and good point about correlation versus proof of causation. I’m certainly not qualified to comment but based on my reading, I think you are right that it is just a hypothesis and not proven about the other cultures.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post, Wynne. I love Miss O’s question. I think this obsession with age and youthfulness – once you’re not a youth anymore – is societal pressure, starting and maybe ending with constant advertising aimed at making us wanting to be younger, so buy their products! Personally, I think every age has advantages and disadvantages, and there’s not any age at all that I’d like to go back to! 😊

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Constant advertising – such a great point, Jane. In the article, there were so many people with definite answers as to what age they feel and I couldn’t put my finger on how old I feel although I chalked it up to being the mother of young children at age 53 which is confusing! But I’m with you – I wouldn’t skip back to any previous age!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This post made me chuckle. I sometimes forget I’m now 42. 😆 And when I was in my early 20s, I couldn’t wait to get older. What a bucket of contradictions us humans are.

    I think you said it best when at the end of the day, we all just want to feel useful and of value. And that could be at any age. I see this especially in older adults and seniors when that societal mentality of utility takes on an often sad twist.

    May Miss O get to her teen years meeting all the goals and expectations she has set for them!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m laughing about your “bucket of contradictions.” So well said, Ab! And yes, wouldn’t it be great if the teen years are all that Miss O has them cracked up to be? Seems like they will come with twists and turns she might not expect but hopefully she’ll enjoy them regardless?? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well now I understand why I’ve had such a skewed viewpoint regarding my real age for years! I didn’t necessarily want to change my age but I certainly didn’t feel my brain matched up with my physical body for many years.

    I so understand the need to feel useful as we grow older. The mix of our own growing physical limitations along with social viewpoints on aging can be a struggle. I get a lot of happiness when I’m asked to help or teach or give my advice. It is very nice to know others still see me as valuable.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Isn’t this a fascinating idea/research? I had no idea it was an official “thing” til I read the article either.

      Given your fascinating experience and viewpoint, I’m sure there’s no end to your contributions. But it is so nice to feel them put to good use, isn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I love the research from Rubin about the ‘reminiscence bump’ — those extra potent memories during a time in life when many of us are in ‘launch mode’. Plenty of opportunity and runway ahead…a magical time, making music from that chunk of life ever more memorable. And then of course, the spark for this post, the magical Miss O? Always thinking…always observing. What a joy it is when you share her queries and epiphanies with us. Love, love, love! 🥰

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love your “launch mode” phrase, Vicki! That’s wonderful. It is such a rich time of life, isn’t it? And yes, Miss O – always watching… 🙂 Thanks, my dear friend! 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is so fascinating, Wynne. At the far ends of the spectrum, young children and the elderly have certain limitations that may affect their usefulness in certain situations, and thus wish to be older or younger. But then we have a late-teens to middle-agers who are physically capable and sharp, and thus useful in most situations.

    Tangentially, a study came out last year showing that positive self-perceptions of aging increases longevity by, if I recall correctly, 8 years. Perhaps that means that we, as a society, need to find ways to invite older folks to feel both youthful and useful.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. What an interesting related study you mention. That intuitively makes sense to me – at any age, if we believe we can do stuff, then we can? Thanks for adding this great point to the conversation, Erin!

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Love the research and post Wynne. Tell Mrs. O that yes the teenage years have their moments . . . but to stay right where she’s at, to love the age she is. I find it fascinating that we all want to be something we’re not, but none of us can change the facts, we are the age we are! There’s no magic cure. Better love ourselves or we’ll be pretty miserable. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  10. In the Native cultures, children are given a simple task in order to feel their usefulness. They also learn responsibility of work and contributing to the society. The elders take care of the children and are teachers to them, while the people in the middle work. Everyone feels and lives usefulness thier whole lives. I think this is an important foundational principle for a happy and well-functioning society. Thanks, Wynne. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. What a great example of making all ages part of the process, Susan. Yes! As you said, “an important foundational principle for a happy and well-functioning society.” Thank you so much for this great addition to the conversation!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I love this! That’s one of the sad realities of the ageism that’s pervasive in our youth-obsessed culture. Older people are perceived as washed up and not useful, despite so much evidence to the contrary.

    I may retire from my full-time career next year but I plan to remain useful for many, many years! Thanks for the thought-provoking prompt, Wynne.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You are so right about the effects of age-ism. I love your planning to remain useful for many, many years. Seems like you won’t have any problem with that! Thanks for adding this great comment, Michelle!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I feel much younger than I am. It’s funny that young adults want to be older and then as we age, we want to be younger. I definitely feel connection with music from my 20s. It gives me joy and makes me smile.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My mom always says “you’ve got to keep moving” and if we do, maybe that helps to underscore why we feel younger? I love what you say about music from my 20’s – yes, me too! I connect to it in a way that’s different than new stuff I hear and like. Thanks for the great comment, EA!

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, that’s so interesting about it balancing, Ally. Maybe it’s like Jennifer’s old soul example – feeling like she was 40 at 10 and again at 20. Or maybe it depends on activity? I feel young when I’m hanging out with my kids and old when I rest my old bones on the couch? All so fascinating!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. It’s an interesting thought that when I was young I indeed thought of myself as older, more mature even, and as I aged I thought of myself as younger, maybe more accepted by others. There was a point, what age I don’t know but younger than what I am now, when I realized that 20% difference represents a lot of years that I just don’t want to live over and finally became accepting of where I am. I hadn’t realized there was so much written about it but it is fascinating enough that it makes sense there would be. Thank you for putting it out where I can see why I did what I did- and do!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make such a great point, Michael. We’ve been intuitively bouncing around this topic in our heads not knowing there’s a term for it and research – at least speaking for myself. So interesting!

      Liked by 1 person

      2. 🙂 And then there’s the Aristotle quote on the other side, “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” I find the older I get, the more that’s true for me too!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. I think everyone has already said it 😁😆

    I think as a teenager I was always taken as being about 10 years older so I probably was quite happy at the age I was – fighting against people trying to make me grow up too quickly. However now … well maybe a year/,2 years ago I was struggling to.accept my age, but now – maybe I’m ok … happy-ish
    Thanks for bringing this out … I plan to have a full and busy life 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  19. May we all be useful at any age. That’s the best ‘use’ of age I’ve heard in a while. I’ve decided that it’s time I start aging backwards, getting younger, not older. I’ve also decided that given my druthers, I’d prefer to have the body of my youth and the wisdom of my years. Maybe if I live long enough, I’ll age myself backwards into my fantasy dream. But for a few kinks and glitches here and there, I’m happy to be where I am. Now I just need to make myself useful. . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your idea of aging backwards – and of aging yourself into your fantasy dream. I think you can do it! As far as being useful – I think you are already incredibly useful. You spread delight wherever you go! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  20. I definitely see myself in this one. I now feel 40 in my mind. My body would probably say mid 50’s. Only thing that would indicate my actual age is the calendar. Age is so relative. My neighbors have whined about how old they were for as long as I’ve known them. (that’s 28 years worth) My mom who will turn 90 next January, is still has an attitude of a 16 yr old.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love it – a family disposition to think young! That’s wonderful! And funny that your neighbors supply the counterpoint. As you say – Age is so relative! Thanks for weighing in with these stories, Doug.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. When I am in the wilderness canoeing and portaging lake to lake, I am 28 again. By the end of the last portage for the day I am 80. 2nd day I start outat 40….
    End of trip celebrating at a DQ…I’m 12 until I try to get out of the booth.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Western culture is certainly more age obsessed than some eastern cultures mostly because how we view elders. Once the working years are past, elders have no value and their wisdom isn’t cherished. The opposite is true in some cultures where age is correlated with wisdom. It’s all about cultural perspective.
    Though from a personal perspective, feeling young is great. I feel about 22, however that number passed me by about three decades ago. 😆

    Liked by 1 person

  28. This is fascinating because I turned 50 this year and still feel like I am 40. The only time reality sets in is when I’m trying to do something physical, and then I can tell I lost my edge. I will say mortality really sinks in at the 50 mark, and priorities change.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so interesting about you feeling it when you try to do something physical – right, that rings true for me too. 50 is a big milestone. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  31. I’m watching my teen grandkids, especially the twins who are turning 16. They’re learning to drive, starting to plan their futures and are eager to step into those new spaces. I see the 11 year old, wistful that she doesn’t have the same freedoms as her older siblings, so in rebellion her behavior has regressed to a 4-year old level at times.

    I know I don’t look my age, but the years are catching up to me when I try to do physical activities. I enjoy this phase of my life, but I do with my body wasn’t showing its age with my abilities regarding strength and stamina waning, which I’ve noticed particularly especially since Covid.

    My daughter is 34, is just trying to get through the hustle bustle of raising 3 kids!

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