Being a Humble Realist

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“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan

Listening to a Ten Percent Happier podcast with Dr. Valerie Young, an expert on Imposter Syndrome for more than 40 years, I was surprised to hear her say that about 70% of people will experience feelings of being an imposter at some point. She explained Imposter Syndrome as, “explaining away our accomplishments & having a fear of being found out as a fraud.”

Thinking about it in terms of writing, I wondered if writers experienced it even more than others. Dr. Young did affirm that people in creative fields do seem to be more vulnerable because they are “only as good as their last book or their last performance.”

When I’ve managed to write a meaningful post that I feel really good about, how many times have I felt, or heard another blogging friend express, “but now I have to do it again? I’m not sure that I can.”

Dr. Young went on to talk about studying the other 30% – the ones that don’t experience Imposters Syndrome. Not the ones that are narcissist or at the complete opposite end of the Imposter Syndrome, but the ones that have a realistic sense of competence.

“These are people who are genuinely humble but have never felt like an imposter. And the point that I always make is that people who don’t feel like imposters, setting aside that arrogant, narcisstic, smartest-guy in the room, that’s not who we’re going after. But that subset, I call them humble realists, they are no more intelligent, capable, confident that the rest of us – but in the exact same situation, they’re thinking different thoughts. It’s not a pep talk like ‘you’ve got this, you can do it, you deserve to be here’ all of which is true but they think differently (based on my research) about three things:

  1. Competence – what it means to be competent, they have a realistic understanding of competence
  2. Healthy response to failure, mistakes, constructive feedback, even negative feedback
  3. Healthy response to fear”
Dr. Valerie Young

Looking at that list, I think of all the things I’ve failed at. It does get easier to pick myself up after failure – or as Michael Jordan says in the quote for this post, “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

My post for Wise & Shine this morning is about Imposter Syndrome: The Imposter Syndrome in Blogging

(featured photo from Pexels)

54 thoughts on “Being a Humble Realist”

  1. Pingback: The Imposter Syndrome in Blogging - Wise & Shine

  2. There’s an Evil nemesis who persistently whispers, “Failure! – Game Over! – You Lost!”
    There’s a Good Savior Who eternally whispers, “Forgiven! – Game On! – You Won!”
    All us ‘failures’ are His chosen winners on Abba’s team . . . PTL!

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  3. Oh yeah…the “healthy response to mistakes”. Yep. That’s key, I say. This from the woman who’s known to swirl and endlessly rethink, reconsider constructive feedback. Learning to shut it down is transformative! 😘

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  4. Humble realism is so powerful. I used to be a perfectionist with Imposters Syndrome and a grave fear of failure. When I was ill and exhausted, I had the choice to either give up or accept the results of my half-assed efforts. While I arrived here by accident, it’s an empowering position to not care about little mistakes.

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  5. Just thinking . . . sometimes our failures turn out over the years to be successes, and our successes turn out to be failures. “If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story” ~ Orson Welles

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  6. I think at times I realize I’ve needed to remind myself that people reading blogs aren’t expecting perfect writing every time – they are happy that you’re writing and putting something positive into the blogosphere (I hope! And even if they aren’t, the fact that you achieved putting out a blog post despite not feeling 100% is something to feel good about).

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    1. Growing up, my father often told me that perfection is the enemy of progress, and I had many discussions with him about it. Now I realize that 100% may not always be achievable or even desirable?

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      1. Oh, I bet those were interesting discussions! I can just imagine a young EW delving into deep and interesting subjects. Maybe we keep aiming for 100% and that motivates us as long as were good with doing our best along the way?

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      2. Do you know how many sculptures Leonardo da Vinci completed in his life? Zero 🤓 It doesn’t mean he didn’t sculpt, not that he wasn’t a genius. Even the Mona Lisa was never completed… He was a perfectionist. I wonder how much more this great man could have achieved if he was willing to call some works complete at 99.99%? Maybe even at 99%?

        I’m not saying that reaching for the stars is not a great motivator, but sometimes, building a colony on the moon is pretty awesome, too?

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      3. I agree..100% may not necessarily be desirable for everything we do. We each have to decide what aspect of our lives gets 100% on a particular day..That’s so nice that your father had these discussions with you🙂

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      4. I miss them now more and more. It’s funny, I think I could benefit from them now more than I did then, if that makes sense?

        I think having lofty goals and reaching for the stars can be a great motivator, but with a healthy dose of realism? In the example I just used for da Vinci, who was a perfectionist, I wonder how much even he could have accomplished if he was willing to call a painting like the Mona Lisa “good enough” and move to another painting? I’m not saying that stick people drawing are enough, but I sometimes wonder if the cost of getting from 99.99% to 100% costs another world full of wonder?

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      5. Wow, EW – that is such a fascinating example! I never knew that about Leonardo da Vinci. Yes, how productive would he have been had he been more of a realist?

        A colony on the moon – the view would still be great, wouldn’t it?

        Thanks for always pushing discussions forward to a deeper understanding and look, EW! You have such a knack for that!

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      6. Thank YOU, Wynne, for getting us thinking about so many different things and pushing us to evolve! I wonder if I should follow in your footsteps and show my gratitude to my parents in posts half as wonderful as yours about your father. Your posts are uplifting!

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  7. I think I must define myself as an imposter when it comes to writing given all my angst over acceptance and labels and what it means to write 😉 It’s ironic that we know better yet we hold onto the doubts perpetuating the cycle in an endless loop. Just another thing to add to the growing list I’ve titled Deb’s Self Awareness 101 🙂

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    1. I’d say “It’s ironic that we know better yet we hold onto the doubts perpetuating the cycle in an endless loop.” proves the point that you are, in fact, a writer. But I hear you about labels!! And I’m also with you about the self-awareness list. Oh sheesh – we never stop having opportunities to grow, do we?

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  8. I’ve noticed imposter syndrome in my kids when they were applying for jobs and going through four or five interviews in the process to get one position. I think it’s because of the stress and wanting the job so badly, but doubting they were qualified.

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    1. That’s interesting about your kids. Dr. Young mentioned that college was one of the phases that really accentuates Imposter Syndrome – because it’s a process of always being tested about what you know and people telling you what you don’t know. That first job out of college is a big step!

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  9. The Michael Jordan quote reminds me of a similar quote by hockey great Wayne Gretzky. He said “You miss 100% of the shots you didn’t take.” An important reminder that we need to put ourselves out there and risk failure in order to achieve greatness. Interestly, despite being the most successful hockey player of all time, Wayne has remained humble. I suspect he might be in the 30%.

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  10. It’s always therapeutic to read others write about something I struggle with – the imposter syndrome. I can empathize about how it can feel absolutely crippling at times.

    I can also see how that manifests in writing and in blogging – and how keeping at it is important. I do feel that the nice thing about writing is that you don’t need to go a blogging school to be good at it and that there are so many transferable paths that can lead to it. And certainly, I can see how your mechanical engineering and your Sharepoint work gives you the tools to blog.

    I love learning about the qualities of a humble realist that we all can possess these qualities if we train ourselves to think differently when faced with adversity or stress. It highlights just how important perspective is.

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    1. Your comment totally hits the mark. Training ourselves to think differently when faced with adversity or stress – exactly! And you’re right – there are so many transferable paths to writing. Thank you, Ab!

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  12. This really hit home for me, Wynne. I have been mired in Imposter Syndrome all winter and feeling very, very alone with it. Thanks so much for bringing this out into the open so others – like me this morning – could discover we are far from alone. That quote is so powerful – I’m going to copy it and put it somewhere visible as a reminder to give myself a well-needed break 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💕

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    1. Oh, Patti, I can’t tell you how much this comment means to me. Everytime I struggle because it’s hard to bring something forward it’s a comment like this one from you that keeps me going. So thank you!

      A well-needed break – well said. May we all remember to give ourselves that! ❤

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  13. I don’t know where it fits, but as an 11 year old I had a farm accident where both arms were cut to the bone. The median nerves were severed. Life as I knew it was essentially over including most dreams then and later. (too long a story) I took on the attitude that I would try to be good for something. I leaned into life and all the challenges, always close or in the failure column. I still do not know how much feeling my fingers have…I just make them work. I have been very much an imposter on many fronts, but less and less as I gain some competency.

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    1. Wow, Gary – what a great attitude to adopt in a challenging situation – especially at 11-years-old. I wonder if your beautiful pictures are in part due to a different way of looking at life. From what I’ve seen, you’ve gained a lot of competency, but you’ve given me a beautiful perspective of how you’ve chosen to become a humble realist through practice in tough circumstances! Thank you!

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      1. I guess I always saw it as a survival reaction. I also could do nothing for a couple years so I sat at the piano with clothespins for fingers and ever so gradually began to know where and what my fingers would do. lots of pounding over several years stimulated the tied together nerves to have some fashion of spotty feeling.

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  14. Great post as a compliment to you Wise & Shine piece. Is it possible to waffle back and forth between feeling like an imposter and being a humble realist? I feel like that’s me 🤔

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  18. Imposter syndrome is commonly discussed in academia. I’d like to think I have a fairly healthy response to failure. But that doesn’t mean I never spiral. On occasion I do but I recognize I spiral, it’s human, give myself some allotted wallowing time, maybe eat some chocolate, and then I put myself back on track and recognize that failure has nothing to do with my self worth. Nor does success. And that latter statement is more of the what is difficult for me to deal with…

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    1. I love your strategy of chocolate! Dr. Young said that Imposter Syndrome is quite prevalent in academia given that it’s a situation where people are frequently being told what they don’t know. Good point about it affecting self worth – I think that happens for most of us too!

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