The Daring Practice of Compassion

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“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” – Dalai Lama

Yesterday Miss O was with me when I dropped Mr. D at his daycare for the last time in 2022. There was another little person having a hard time with drop-off. She didn’t want to cross the threshold to go in and her dad needed to step away.

As we walked out of the building, we could hear the little girl’s cries. Miss O said, “I hate hearing little ones cry.” We talked all the way to the car about what the little girl could be feeling and why.

When we got home, I pulled out Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown and looked up compassion. Brené’s working definition of compassion is, “Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.”

I read this to Miss O along with some supporting paragraphs about how compassion is scary because of it reminds us that we all have pain and struggle. It isn’t feeling better than or fixing it, it’s being with another in their experience.

Brené includes a passage from The Places That Scare You by Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön:

“When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us… In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.”

The Places That Scare You by Pema Chödrön

It is this feeling of fear that resonated with me. Before I had kids, I got to know the homeless people in my neighborhood that sell the Real Change newspaper, a Seattle newspaper that exists to give low-income and homeless people a job opportunity. Walking around the neighborhood with my dog, I got to know their names and some of their stories. At Christmas I would prepare Christmas cards with $20 in them and walk my dog around until I found them.

Then I had kids and stopped. Now I realized that it wasn’t just because my budget was more squeezed but because it became so much more uncomfortable for me to consider their situation. Somehow the high hopes I have for my little ones never to suffer made me so much more ill-at-ease with the journey of these people who have some pretty hard life stories.

Brené, Pema and Miss O all touch on the difficulty that comes with compassion. It hurts to see people cry and struggle and the action that is often the most helpful is just to be with others as they move through it.

Miss O summarized, “It’s being with them to show them its normal to feel that way.” And now that I know that compassion is supposed to be scary, it helps normalize my reluctance to feel it at times. It helps put me back into the holiday spirit of giving to my homeless friends.

***As a sidenote, my friend and colleague Todd Fulginiti has released a single of a holiday single, Snowfall performed by The Fulginiti Family Band. All proceeds/donations for anyone that wants to download it go to an organization that helps the homeless in Lancaster, PA. For more info see: Todd Fulginiti Music

(featured photo is my dog Biscuit taking the paper from one of our favorite Real Change sellers)

39 thoughts on “The Daring Practice of Compassion”

  1. Oh goodness, yes…compassion and experiencing pain…not ours, but it can be just as palpable. What a beautiful story you’ve told about Miss O. and then this from you about how motherhood changed you…”it became so much more uncomfortable for me to consider their situation. Somehow the high hopes I have for my little ones never to suffer made me so much more ill-at-ease with the journey of these people who have some pretty hard life stories.” I feel that with you. So much fragility in the world.
    xo, Wynne! ❤

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  2. I love how you’re teaching compassion! Is our colective compassion diminishing as we get more and more news sent to us, or are we just tuning everything out while we have our heads in our phones? Is compassion measurable and do we see our society as more compassionate in the past because it feels better to remember life that way?

    These are questions I think about, but due to the subjective nature, may never get an answer to!

    On a different note, I have now started carrying a bag behind the front passenger seat, in which I have baggies with a pair of socks and a couple packets of EmergenC in each one, to hand out to folks asking for money at the traffic lights. Instead of feeling badly that I never seemed to have small bills to hand out to them, I decided to get prepared with something useful to hand out.

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      1. Thanks! I was struggling with my conscience, to figure out what to do. When I heard that the most requested item in Homeless shelters is socks, I felt inspired! Hoping to share this idea with more people!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love how you taught Miss O about compassion – she seems very wise (I wonder where she got that😜). I also love the practice of engaging the homeless in your area. According to my friend (who’s work with the homeless we’re supporting), many in the street feel invisible as most people ignore them totally. A friendly greeting and eye contact are very much appreciated. Great post Wynne- and thanks for plugging our Snowfall single.

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  4. Your ‘hands-on’ involvement and teaching of compassion to your daughter will pay-it-forward in her life to bless others more than any definition she may ever read or sermon she will ever hear Wynne . . . kudos to you mom!
    Compassion, the ‘C’ of Christmas and of Christ.
    Be blessed lady!

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    1. Oh, what a lovely comment, Fred. I love your “Compassion, the ‘C’ of Christmas and of Christ.” Amen!

      Sending blessing to you my friend! So grateful to have connected with you in this WordPress community! Merry Christmas!

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      1. Thanks Wynne. Your posts are an encouragement and a source of smiles for this ole ragamuffin.

        All the best this Christmas for all His best to you and your two precious little sidekicks.

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  5. I was thinking the other day how you’re not just a great storyteller, but you weave in things you’ve read and heard, along with life experiences. I love that, because it enables us to grow too – based on things you share. This post is yet another example of that. Such depth to ponder here. And of course, the wisdom and heart of your little Mini-Wynne is just precious. Lastly, I love that you mentioned the things Todd is doing as well. My heart feels warm and glowy (don’t think that’s actually a word?), knowing there are folks out there working to make the world a better place. 🤍

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    1. Well, if glowy isn’t a word, it should be! Thank you, Kendra. I feel like I’m learning so much every day. I’m glad if when I pass it on that it’s of use even in a little part. Yes, and aren’t Todd’s efforts great! Thank you so much for your continued friendship and support that you pass on every day! Sending Merry Christmas wishes to you and your beautiful family! XOXO

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      1. I like the word too. 😊 And thank YOU, Wynne. Hoping you have a wonderful holiday as well!! Hugs to you and the kiddos! ❤️

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  6. I tend to be one of those fixers you mention Wynne, so often rather than simply being with or listening I rush in to advise or solve. It’s important to recognize that solutions aren’t necessarily asked for or wanted, but just being aware is the most useful and kind thing one can be. Thank you for the reminder.

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      2. I think you are right it’s popular right now. I’d say it’s a reaction to my parents’ generation who didn’t care how any one felt and insisted things just needed to get done. Obviously that’s a broad generalization…

        Why do you think it is?

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  8. Goodness, the way your write and explore your feelings I can’t believe that you are reluctant to feel compassion, Wynne. That doesn’t sound like the person who comes through in your posts. It may not always be easy, but few things worth doing are. It seems like there is plenty of compassion in your household more than ready to be shared with others in need. 😊

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    1. Thank you for that lovely comment, Jane. The homeless situation in Seattle was really rough during Covid – people camping in neighborhood parks, garbage everywhere and no one getting good services because they were so spread out. I confess to becoming more irritated than compassionate so I’m grateful for Miss O’s utterance (and post like your wonderful one today) to remind me of our shared humanity.

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  9. You’re not alone in your experiences with compassion. I know having kids made me much more uncomfortable about things I couldn’t control and even the plight of others. J love how how you describe compassion. I don’t think it’s fixing or always making things right for others. I think it’s “just being” with them, saying I’m here for you. Love your message. Such a great message this time of year and really throughout the year. Thanks so much!

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    1. Thank you, Brian! I really appreciate the wisdom you’ve added here. It’s such a hard practice and I learn so much from talking about it! Thank you for your words and compassion for the world!

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  10. I must have missed a second masterpiece if this is not your finest post. The world needs more of these and more people with the social consciousness you offer. Thank you, Wynne.

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  11. Miss O demonstrates such wonderful and caring empathy. She must get her emotional intelligence from her mom!

    I hear you on the compassion and pain piece and wanting to shield our kids from them. But they become great reachable moments for them too and normalizes the idea of pain and suffering.

    And a great reminder of the joys and sorrow of daycare drop off!

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    1. Thank you, my friend. The joys and sorrows of daycare drop off – well said, Ab! As is your point about those great reachable moments. That is so true as you’ve written about so well.

      Wishing you the warmest of holiday wishes!! XOXO

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    1. Oh, thank you, my friend. It’s amazing how fast our little people pick things up, isn’t it?

      Happy New Year to you! Wishing you a healthy foot and oodles of blessing and fun in 2023!

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