Singing To the Other Side

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“The patterns we perceive are determined by the stories we want to believe.” – John Verndon

Last Friday before school, Mr. D didn’t want to come out of his room. He said there were monsters in the hallway. In a hurry to get the kids fed and ready for school, my plan was just to let him sit on his side of the door until he was ready to come out. But Miss O sat down outside his door and started singing “Do you want to build a snowman?” from the movie Frozen.

I have been reading The Persuaders after hearing a great podcast with Anand Giridharadas on Unlocking Us with Brené Brown and it helped me to see her efforts in a new light. She was meeting Mr. D where he was at, applying the song to the situation at hand.

It seems fitting on this day before mid-term elections to talk about this book in which Giridharadas, a former correspondent for the NY Times, talks about what he sees as the biggest danger to democracy – dismissing each other. When we stop believing that we can have fruitful discussions, we stop talking to each other.

Instead he interviews community organizers who are on the ground working for change and tells their stories of what works. One of the main points being meeting people where they are at – not expecting that we’ll all talk from the same language, perspective and assumptions. From there we can have conversations that move us all along.

Here’s where I admit that I haven’t finished the book. But it makes sense to me that when we are more united because we talk to each other, it’s harder for people to stoke the divide in our politics, whether it be politicians or trolls. Giridharadas spends time detailing what the Russians did with their troll farms in 2016 and I thought it was fascinating that a large part of what they did with their far-left and far-right trolls was to foment disgust about the other side. Much of what they tweeted about wasn’t facts – more like gossip that was like “Can you believe what the other side thinks?”

What I love about what Miss O’s effort is that she didn’t just leave Mr. D sitting on the other side of the door. She didn’t walk away and just leave him alone to do it his way, but instead through a little song that is sweetly sad, made him laugh and want to join in. It took her 44 seconds to get him to come out – I know, because I took a video.

Meeting people where they were at was a special talent of my dad’s as well. On this eighth anniversary of his death, I find it warming to write about how that skill is playing out across generations and if we make an attempt, can make a difference in our communities too.

Do You Want To Build a Snowman?

Do you want to build a snowman?
Come on let’s go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away!
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why.
Do you want to build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman

60 thoughts on “Singing To the Other Side”

  1. Thank you for this, Wynne. What a beautiful way to start the day. And the story of Miss O, singing and shooing away some monsters? Yep – meeting Mr. D right where he was…which reminds me, too, of the segments you wrote about your dad and his nature for doing the same, especially his travels in India. Generational talents…your Dad, you, Miss O. 😘

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    1. What a lovely comment, Vicki – as always. It mystifies me how she knows to do that – especially never meeting her grandfather but I love when these full circle things happen! 🙂 ❤ ❤

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  2. This is a great. I think Miss O takes after her grandfather, meeting people where they are. That’s something I learned much later in life. Life is in the details and this story is all about life. Thanks for sharing it here.

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  3. Wow! Little Miss O meeting people where they’re at, takes incredible awareness. Some never develop this beautiful insight, because it is often clouded by what we want for ourselves rather than what we want for others. You’ve told an inspiring story Wynne. Stories and insights you and your children have, thanks to your wonderful dad. I feel like I know him through your writing. I know you miss him, just know you are carrying his gifts forward. And there is such joy in that. For everyone. Wishing you a beautiful Monday.

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    1. What a lovely comment, Alegria. Yes, I miss him but I feel him close when I write about him – and when people like you reflect him back to me. Thank you for that!

      And your insight that we are often clouded by what we want for ourselves — that’s so profound and so true! Happy Monday to you!

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  4. This philosophy was an important one when I was a teacher. As soon as disapproval or dismissal enters the conversation, it shuts down. Good post.

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    1. I love that you validate “As soon as disapproval or dismissal enters the conversation, it shuts down. ” Right – that makes so much sense to my lived experience as well. May we all remember this!

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  5. A shame Miss O hasn’t been on the political trail for a while. She would do better than many of the talking heads. Run her through a copy machine as soon as you can, Wynne. We need as many Miss Os as we can get!

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    1. What a lovely comment, Dr. Stein. One that fills me with a little dread of actually picturing Miss O in the political scene but that’s a little telling too that I view politics that way.

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  6. Precious post Wynne. Thank you.

    If only our combatively divided society and polarized politicians would heed Ms.O’s example to defeat the ‘monsters’ they perceive each other to be; step out into the hallways from behind their closed doors; and concede to build a non-partisan ‘snowman’ together, our democracy would thrive in the joy of unity.

    Ms. O for Congress! 🙂

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    1. I love how you’ve extended the metaphor, Fred! Wonderful! And since our current politicians likely will not, maybe we can do the work and then elect ones that will!!

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  7. I love how you weave together 2 entirely different things, and yet we can see the similarities. Truly a wonderful gift!

    In the world of politics, there was an article, I can no longer find, that warns of the Russian trolls once again stirring up division between the 2 major parties in the USA, to create more mistrust of the democratic system.

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    1. Thank you, Tamara!

      Isn’t it interesting (and scary) how they can use our tools and systems against us to sow divide? If only we can do the work to build our sense of community stronger! Happy Monday, Tamara!

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    1. Oh, what a lovely comment. Thank you, Deb! I can assure you she’s way too young and idealistic for office… 🙂 Besides, her brother’s pants are broken so he can’t campaign with her…

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  10. Love this – “On this eighth anniversary of his death, I find it warming to write about how that skill is playing out across generations and if we make an attempt, can make a difference in our communities too.” Miss O is an early morning hero in so many ways!

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      1. Have a blessed day Wynne! Your posts are always so thought provoking and timely. I really appreciate reading how your kids inspire your blogging ❤️

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    1. Thank you, Rebecca. Just to be clear, I don’t think it’s simple for adults either – I just think it’s only possible to make progress if we don’t dismiss each other. But that’s not to say that it’s easy to make headway even if we do meet others where they’re at.

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  14. What a beautiful moment, Wynne. Your parenting truly shows in the actions of your children – Miss O reaching out with us wisdom and empathy. That speaks volumes to the work you put in and to her character too.

    What’s going on in your country, if I can be direct, is truly terrifying. No one seems to want to seek common ground anywhere but instead are getting even more divided.

    I hope people can unite and find that common ground and build more snowmen instead.

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    1. What an incredibly meaningful compliment you’ve given me, Ab. Thank you. I have put a lot of energy into parenting and sometimes it seems all for naught and others there are glimpses of beauty. I know you can relate!

      And yes, it’s scary to listen to the rhetoric in this country. But I’ve never met an American that it represents so my fingers are crossed that it’s not part of our overall character.

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      1. Let’s hope you never meet one – whether far right or far left. The rhetoric is alarming and as we’ve seen through recent attack on Speaker Pelosi’s home. Sending positive wishes to you all today!

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  15. I couldn’t love this story any more. I remember when my kids were young, and just to keep it real, they did out number me, but when I got to my wits ends (usually only a few times a day) the kids would step up and shower each other with such unexpected compassion. It always softened my anger somehow and there I’d go, down on the floor with the rest of them singing, “I love you, you love me, we are one big family…” and so it goes. Kids are such great teachers and yours have clearly excelled! Hugs, C

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    1. Oh, this is such a wonderful and real comment, Cheryl. I’m laughing about only a few times a day. What a beautiful picture you paint. Thank you for this gift from one mom who has done it to another who’s in the thick of it!! ❤️❤️❤️

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      1. Your living the life I’ve extolled for decades. I used to say if only I went to high school knowing what I knew at thirty, or college in my forties, motherhood in my fifties. I would have appreciated the experience, managed my emotions with some finesse, and roamed those landscapes with poise and confidence! You’re living the dream!

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      2. Oh, I love this comment, Cheryl! I am in so many ways grateful that I’m doing parenting in my 50’s. I’m so much calmer and more laid back than I would have been in my 30’s. Sometimes the joints ache a little more than I’d like for getting up and down off the floor…but I’ll take it. Thank you for the affirmation that I’m “living the dream.” You are awesome!!

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    1. You’re right – it would solve a lot of problems. I suspect the people in power will never get it because it’s a lot of work. But that just means we on the ground have to do the work. Right?

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    1. You know, I can understand that. I missed a bunch in the middle when you had kids and I didn’t. But it is amazing what a pretty good job Disney does!

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  21. This post brought made me smile and tear up to read, “She didn’t walk away and just leave him alone to do it his way, but instead through a little song that is sweetly sad, made him laugh and want to join in. It took her 44 seconds to get him to come out .”
    Wow, what a caring, sensible, and wise older sister, Ms. O is.
    I wonder why adults in our world can’t learn from our little ones.
    Love to your precious, little ones and you.

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  22. I tried. You know Wynne, now I am learning from my grown-up children! It is so heartening to see life from their perspective and learn from their thoughtful ways, and empathetic outlook.
    Love

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