Generationally Speaking

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“You can never really live anyone else’s life, not even your child’s. The influence you exert is through your own life and what you’ve become yourself.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Back when I was interviewing my dad about his faith, I came across a passage in psychiatrist and author Dr. Scott Peck’s book Further Along the Road Less Traveled that described four stages of faith. He described an experience of what can happen generationally when kids grow up in stable, religious homes:

What happens to a child raised in such a stable, loving home and treated with dignity and importance? That child will absorb his parents’ religious principles – be they Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or Jewish – like mother’s milk. By the time the child reaches adolescence, these principles will have become virtually engraved on his heart or ”internalized,” to use the psychiatric term. But once this happens, they will no longer need to depend upon an institution for their governance. It is at this time, which in healthy human development is usually at adolescence, that they start saying, “Who needs these silly myths and superstitions and this fuddy-duddy old institution?” They will then begin – often to their parents’ utterly unnecessary horror and chagrin – to fall away from the church, having become doubters or agnostics or atheists. At this point they have begun to convert to Stage Three, which I call “skeptic/individual.”

Further Along the Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck

I’ve heard this progression described in other contexts as well. From social psychologist Jonathan Haidt who described kids who grow up as beneficiaries of capitalist wealth demanding more socially and environmentally responsible policies as they come of age.

And from therapist Jacob Ham who talks about first generation survivors of war being primarily focused on physical and financial security with little capacity to talk about their emotions. It isn’t until the next generation comes along that they start to unpack emotional intelligence.

How life changes between generations is the topic of my latest post on Wise & Shine: Enough is Enough.

35 thoughts on “Generationally Speaking”

  1. What you shared by Dr. Ham was so good, Wynne. I think it could apply to any number of traumatic situations. Sort of like Maslow’s hierarchy, right? Physical protections and needs supersede all else. Then once we feel safe enough (no pun intended, with your W&S post 😆), we can identify and meet those emotional needs. I really enjoyed this! Very thought-provoking! 🤍

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    2. Very thought-provoking, indeed! It’s interesting that so many generations do what the previous generation did… They rebel 😀 I once saw a write-up about that, where they showed photos of generational rebellion and what they pointed out was how the rebellion was full of conformity, in the sense that almost all the teenagers dressed in the same manner, had similar mannerisms, and their rebellion was actually an act of conformity in itself?

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      4. It was, that’s why it stuck with me: the photos showing the conformity of the rebels were stellar in driving the point across, especially since it happens to one teenage generation after another (of course those were of recent decades, when photography was freely available, who knows if that held true 500 years ago? Given Romeo and Juliet, I’d say yes? :))

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  4. What a world you had to navigate and grow up in, Wynne, but the experiences have made you all the more resilience.

    It sounds like you’ve passed so many of these qualities onto Miss O as well, even if by osmosis.

    I often think about how to impart my lessons to my son and it really is through role modelling. Not so much what I say but what he sees me doing that seems to really stick with him.

    I have no doubt he’ll have his own backdrop to grow up in and there’ll probably be a sense of rebellion too like others have noted in the comments.

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    1. That’s true, Ab – these experiences do make us resilient! And I think you are so right – it’s so much about role modeling. And lucky for T, he has a great role model in you!!

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  5. This was such a deeply thoughtful post that I had to sit with it for a moment. My family is deeply religious and I am too just not in the same they are. It made me feel as if something was wrong with me in a way. It’s not that I don’t believe in God because I do, it’s more or less that I don’t believe the way they believe in God is accurate. It’s not fun listening to your own mom tell you that you’re going to hell for not going to church. It’s exhausting trying to live up to an expectation that they themselves cannot reach but demand out of you. I think all we can do is keep the good parts and cut out the cancer of it while hoping we’re doing better than our parents did with us.

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    1. Wow, I’m sorry that’s been your experience of religion in your family. I’m with you – I believe in God but it’s just in a different way. Scott Peck goes on to describe that often kids who grow up to be stage 3, transition into mystics,

      “Dr. Peck then describes these stage-three people as usually scientific, truth-seeking people who often begin to see patterns in the big picture that tie them back to the beliefs of their parents and when they do, they transition to stage four, mystical/communal, “people who have seen a kind of cohesion beneath the surface of things.”

      You are right, we just try to keep the good parts and cut out the judgment while hoping we do better. And I know you are doing a great job!!

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      1. My relationship with my mom was always extremely close. She was my best friend. She’s become increasingly closer to God which is wonderful but she’s growing in her judgmental ideology which has distanced us quite a bit. Nothing I do is enough and hateful things have come out of her mouth that I don’t have the patience for. I’m left wondering what happened where I things took a turn. I don’t understand how one connection led to another. I wish I did.

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      2. Oh, that’s so hard. Especially as you say, to have patience (and grace) for what she’s expressing. I hope you get a breakthrough or at least some clarity soon. Sending warm hugs.

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  8. A few things come up for me here. First, I always suspected this about my ex. Because he grew up in a supportive household with very little trauma. And he was a staunch atheist, super self-righteous and couldn’t be reasoned with. And I always thought that he grew up in some kind of bubble and never really experienced adversity. And therefore never really NEEDED God or some invisible force to get him through a dark hour. He actually had the privilege of poo pooing faith in something greater than himself. PS I’m so sorry about all of your work misogyny, that’s all terrible 💔 I also totally agree about generations. My sister and I talk about that with each other when our dad or aunt or uncle say something a bit antiquated or handle something in a way we wouldn’t. And it’s like, we can’t hold it against them because they’re doing their best and doing WAY better than their parents did. So yes, I 💯 agree! So hard to know what that boy is doing. I’m hesitant but also tempted to say, maybe he likes her??!! 🤣🤣🤣

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    1. That’s so interesting about your ex. We raise our kids with love and support — and then they don’t need God. So well put, Libby! But the self-righteous. Yikes! That’s something that not very workable.

      I love the grace you extend to the older generations. Yes, the best they can!

      I hadn’t thought that maybe he likes her. Could be! I think he also might just be a little irreverent. Fortunately, Miss O has it well in hand it seems. 🙂

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    2. I’m of the school of thought that even if we know a boy likes us, we shouldn’t respond to hurtful words or behavior and allow it to go further. I like that she has chosen to deflect his negative words! Good for her!

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      1. Yes agreed, and I struggle with this. I’m always first to jump in excitement when I think a man likes me 🥺 and it’s gotten me into trouble. She (and you!) are a bit wiser then me in this area, but this is a brilliant reminder!! 🙏🙏

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      2. No worries! We (women collectively) got brainwashed I to thinking if a man was insulting towards us when courting our affections that we needed to accept it as part of the macho package. Thankfully times are changing, and we need to remind ourselves of the new ways we wish to be treated!

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  9. Interesting topic and the comments that follow. I’ve always been out of step with my peers because of my childhood experiences, having learned early on to be more mature and detached. Going to church weekly helped me feel less anxious and hopeful. I know I’m much more open-minded than my parents were and am more willing to extend grace to other people. Whether that’s part of being resilient, I dunno. Probably

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    1. What an interesting comment, Ally. I would think the circumstances from which we need to be resilient would contribute to open-mindedness and grace — and empathy overall.

      And even now when I go to church, I experience that peace and hope too. Maybe it comes with being a part of a community and being able to forget our particular circumstances, if just for a while.

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