Called Out

Posted in meditationTagged , , ,

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” – Nelson Mandela

The other day I received a message from Mr. D’s preschool, “Good afternoon families. Since we have several new families who have recently joined us, I thought it might be a good time to remind everyone that our classrooms are parent free zones.”

Even though this message was sent to the about 45 families in the school and I’m not a new parent to the school, I knew this message was aimed at me. Because I love going in the classroom and getting to know the teachers, especially in the last couple weeks as Mr. D has moved up to a new classroom. These COVID years as a preschool parent have been tough and the drop-off at the door is the worst. Mr. D does fine but I suffer from lack of community and continuity when it comes to my darling son and the people important to him.

I could feel the shame creeping up my cheeks as I read the message. It was like I imagined they all got together and cooked up a message to nicely keep me out. Which is very ego-centric of me but I think not uncommon when we feel called out.

I think staying open to feedback is one of the biggest growth areas for me. Not shutting down with shame or defensiveness. Sitting openly long enough to feel the meaning and intent and then react. It’s a very meditative response to life for me instead of reactive.

As Victor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

Freedom to find what need I was trying to meet, growth to expand into other ways to meet it, power to find my center and respond from that true space.

What I really want is to show affection and interest for the amazing people who are caring for and teaching my son. So I’ve written them all cards and put chocolate bars inside. It’s not perfect, but I find if I don’t wither from the shame of being called out then I can still engage and get to know them from afar.

How do you react when you feel called out? Any thoughts on the situations in which we can take our loved ones only so far and the rest they have to go on their own?

(featured photo from Pexels)

37 thoughts on “Called Out”

  1. I feel your heartache, Wynne. You MIGHT be wrong — there could be other attentive parents doing the exact same thing as you. But no matter. I hear you about the sting and I can see the flush in your cheeks. Yep. That wave of recognition…wondering…are you talking to ME??

    I love that you’re following up with kindness (what could be SWEETER than the heartfelt combo of a note from you AND a bit of chocolate?). For what it’s worth, I tend to do the same when an ‘oops’ is pointed out to me. Write it out – send it off – and relief usually follows. Xo to you — wonderful mom and blogger friend! ❤❤❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You are so welcome. And I forgot to mention…some of the best ‘mom advice’ I ever received was from a dear friend who knew I was laboring over detachment dread…not just in the college years, but pre-school, kindergarten — everything – always wondering and worrying. She bluntly said, “while the worry doesn’t go away, you’ll see yourself in her as she grows — carrying forward your values and care for people”. Remembering that STILL helps, on occasion. 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I think it is human nature, Wynne, to feel that challenge when we are called out. Victor Frankl is right about creating space before choosing a response. I remember getting my first piece of feedback from my editor about my greatest poetry collection in the world. (said with tongue in cheek.) Over time I realised what she said was right and her advice invaluable. Now, I let the advice settle for a few days before responding. Chocolate works for everything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is great advice to let it settle for a few days (and chocolate does work for everything). I love that you found your way to see the value in your editor’s comments – even about the greatest poetry collection in the world. A beautiful example, Davy! Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The hope is to do some version of what you did and, over the course of a lifetime, to listen to the criticism with less pain and more immediate reflection, caring less about the opinions of others and more about the inherent value of the message, if any. You realize, also, virtually all those others either won’t know the message was meant for you or will get back to thinking about their own lives in three seconds!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is so true about other people’s opinions – and about people going back to their own lives. And I love the long view you present here – over the course of a lifetime to care less about the opinion of others and more about the message. Beautiful, Dr. Stein! Hope you have a lovely Monday!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can understand how you feel IF you were the one the message was aimed at. It COULD be that there are other parents doing the same thing so it wasn’t about you. Not to mention even if it was about you… who cares? You live, you learn, and if you’re smart you move on figuring only you know the truth of the matter.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve been right there with you about a million times, Wynne. And it’s worse when our kids are involved, because it’s something we feel deeply. That instinctive nature to protect. But like Vicki, I love how you sent chocolate bars. Keeping the lines of communication open, while still playing by their rules. Also, I didn’t remember that Victor Frankl quote. It’s powerful! Lastly, I appreciate your transparency. It’s helpful for other people (like me😊).🤍

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Kendra, you hit the mark with your observation about it’s so deep when our kids are involved. Yes! That explains so much about how it cuts deep to the bone. Thank you for this insight!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I know that it might feel as if the finger was pointing directly at you but I suspect you aren’t alone in this message! It has been far too long since I may or may not have encountered this situation but I know my nature would have led me to feel that a flashing arrow was directly over my head!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. What a lovely post. Leaving your babies at the door is brutal, especially when they’re little. I’ll pretend it’s easier when they’re teens 😉

    I’m with you. I could feel my cheeks warm, my shoulders hunch, and my chest get tight in sympathy. But learning to hold onto the space before reaction is so valuable.

    And, nearly everyone loves chocolate.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Michelle. What a lovely comment – I feel heard. And I love your last line “nearly everyone loves chocolate.” So much warmth in that.

      But I’m ignoring the part about when they are teens. 🙂 Happy Monday!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Ohhh that’s the worst feeling! You’re handling it the way I would which is to blog about it and put it all out there. We’re all human and we all do things that seem to rub others the wrong way unfortunately. And I love what you said about that delayed reaction time. And also getting defensive I totally do that all the time, like all the time. I think mediation has helped with my reactions and now I’m working on humility, of which I have very little! And I’m hoping that can serve me in my next intimate relationship, since I think it’s was a bit of stumbling block in my last one. Hang in there Wynne, you weren’t hurting anyone here, you were coming from a well-intentioned place, so it’s ok, there are definitely worse things! xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a lovely and encouraging comment, Libby! Thank you for the dose of perspective. And I agree – meditation has helped me develop that space between reactions too.

      I’m just taking in your comment about humility – that’s so interesting. Maybe that’s one of my growth points too. Thanks for this lovely comment and making me think!

      Hope you are feeling better!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha would be so funny if we both had that! I’m so not humble that I’m still like, I’m humble!! 🤣🤣 But when you mentioned defensiveness I was reminded how I just really freak out whenever anyone indicates that I’m less than perfect…sooooo…yeah 🤣🌺

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh Wynne, I can feel your cheeks get red and flushed as you read this message. On the bright side, the school was kind enough to single you out in the message. That’s happened to me before and boy was it embarrassing. So this was a kinder way to do it.

    Your intentions are good and hopefully you and the school will find a peaceful balance between your needs and their boundaries.

    Happy Monday!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. My first thought was to raise the question if it’s really you that they’re trying to call out. My next thought is about not wanting parents involved. I get both sides, kids need to learn and the teacher needs the authority to manage his or her classroom. At the same time, though, my wife is a teacher in an urban community where there’s not a lot of resources and parental involvement and it can really affect the kids. My simple advice, fight for your kids, always, you know best. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I like both points: first, the one where when we’re most self-conscience about an activity, we may feel more likely that statements are aimed at us, even if they’re not. Maybe there are parents that insist on behavior that is unwelcomed in the classroom and that’s what this is aimed at? From knowing you so far, it’s hard for me to believe that they’d find YOUR behavior offensive.

      I like the second point as well: what would be the reason for a parent-free classroom? I know that in Finland the schools never ask the parents for any help, financial or otherwise. That is rarely the case here where different “funds” are asked for for different reasons. And, like Brian said, in some communities those parental involvements are crucial to the kids. When the system is not set up for no parental involvement, it’s worthy to understand what that note is really all about?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh, I love your comments, EW. You are right – it might not be aimed at me (or only at me). I think it’s a Covid thing or perhaps a drop-off thing where the kids are getting too emotional if the parents drag it out. But it’s a great question.

        And I love how you always provide such great examples and contrasts. So interesting about Finland. I love being able to volunteer when I can at my daughter’s elementary school so yes, it is interesting to know the why behind this all!

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Great points, Brian! You are right – it might not be me. Or maybe more accurately, it might not only be me.

      And it’s a good question about the “why.” I assumed it was a Covid thing but now you’ve got me thinking. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. The message may not have been aimed just at you but a reiteration of their “parents free classroom” rule for the new parents. But I love the way you responded to your feeling of being “called out.” I am sure you made the teachers feel appreciated.
    I would go to the end of the earth for my two no matter how old they get!
    I have to share this anecdote. My little one was five and had just mastered riding her bike by herself. I let her go and saw the eight-year-old neighbor (known for his not-so-kind ways) come running and push my daughter off her bike. She was scratched and bruised but mostly felt humiliated.
    I was so mad that I marched to this boy’s house to talk to his parents. As I approached, out came their humongous German Shepherd looking quite ferocious. I was petrified of all dogs then and always stayed clear of their area. But, as my only thought was for my little one, I kept walking. Fortunately, the mother followed, and we resolved the matter. On my way home, I was shaking uncontrollably, thinking, “what if the mother hadn’t followed the dog.”
    If I had to do it again, would I? You bet I would!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love your affirmation – “You bet I would!” Wow, that sounds like a terrifying scene but yes, we’d walk through fire for our kids. Such an amazing bond, isn’t it?

      And I can’t believe the kid pushed your daughter off her bike. And just as she was learning. That is terrible! I would have been furious!! Good for you, my friend!

      Thanks for sharing this anecdote. I love hearing the experiences and getting more perspective! Sending lots of love!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. When I’m called out, my response involves one (or all) of the following:

    1. Sulking
    2. Cussing
    3. Curling up into the fetal position
    4. Drinking bourbon
    5. Plotting revenge on those who wronged me

    In other words, typical Taurus behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I remember when my daughter was a pre-schooler, drop-off times were very difficult, for both of us. Us parents were encouraged to make that time as quick as possible, and as positive as possible so that the kids could just move into their days.

    When we allow our emotions to get involved, the kiddos pick up on it, because their radar is finely tuned to our emotions, and they tend to respond with more distress because they don’t feel as safe.

    The teachers explained that when the parents do a quick, cheery drop-off, the kids may cry, but they don’t seem to cry for as lengthy periods as when a parent stays to try to comfort them. It sounds like two polar opposite things, but I saw it to be true, when a few of us spied on the kiddos through the windows, unseen by the kids.

    Mr. D is your baby, the youngest, so there are going to be strong emotions for you. Don’t worry, you aren’t alone, nor the only parent experiencing this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Tamara. You are so right about the drop-offs and not drawing them out. I love your explanation, “When we allow our emotions to get involved, the kiddos pick up on it, because their radar is finely tuned to our emotions, and they tend to respond with more distress because they don’t feel as safe.” That makes so much sense. Right!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely! Kids are hardwired as part of their survival to tune into Mom’s moods! They feel us and our emotions even before we become aware of feeling them ourselves! Hence why they seem to act out more when we’re tired or stressed!

        Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.