Growth and Comfort

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“In any given moment, we have two choices: step forward into growth or step backward into safety.” – Abraham Maslow

“How’d the paddle boarding go?” my friend Rachel asked Miss O who responded, “Good.”

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I’d planned a special outing for me and my almost 7-year-old to rent paddleboards and go out on the small lake near our house one afternoon after camp last week. Both of us were so excited to have the time together and to get out on the lake. Miss O has paddleboarded in a little inlet by my brother’s boat and seemed to get the hang of handling the board and the paddle so it was going to be a great expedition to be able to go together. We’d talked about the fact that it would be a little choppier and windier where we were going and made a plan if either of us fell in. Miss O said she was prepared.

But when we got out there, the wind pushed her around and at her light weight, she had trouble controlling the board. She got frustrated and it seemed like every sentence that she said out there started with “I can’t…” I offered to tow her and she didn’t want to do that because she wanted to do it herself. We talked about setting our sights on somewhere she could paddle to but she said she couldn’t do anything but circles. I asked her what she thought she could do and the answer was nothing.

I was flummoxed. I know Miss O can step it up to a level of toughness with teachers, coaches and other family members. She has been going to a different camp every week of the summer and when she’s nervous she takes a deep breath and says, “I can’t skip this first day because if I do, then tomorrow just becomes the first day” and then she squares her shoulders and walks inside.

But when I’m around, and this has happened in many different scenarios, she doesn’t show the same resolve and instead tends towards tears and hugs. In the choice Maslow presents in the quote for this post, she chooses to step backwards into safety more often than not when I’m present.

I asked her about paddleboarding in the quiet, calm time before bed that night and, she said it’s because she doesn’t want to cry for anyone else but she can with me.

It strikes me that this might reveal that support and education are mutually exclusive for most of us. That is to say, we can’t be in our comfortable spot and grow. I think about all the times that I’ve done business projects with more experienced colleagues or climbed mountains when someone else was leading the group. I know in those cases I relaxed in a way that made it harder for me to access mental toughness.

That is a beautiful part of being part of a group or family or partnership. But I’m starting to see that when I’ve grown the most, it’s when I’ve moved outside my comfort zone and in many cases, done things alone.

Which brings me to the heart of her answer to my friend, Rachel. Miss O knew that paddle boarding hadn’t gone well but has reached the age where she wanted to cover it over with a “good.” But that makes me very grateful that she, at least for now and maybe forever, can cry with me.  She’ll have plenty of other opportunities to learn from other people and experiences but even when growing, we all need a comfortable spot to come home to rest.       

53 thoughts on “Growth and Comfort”

  1. I can definitely relate to this predicament. This past year has been all about stretching myself and trying to move forward. Currently I am learning to sail while learning to fail! (At it!)

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  3. “I can’t skip this first day because if I do, then tomorrow just becomes the first day…”

    These are some very wise profound words for a 7-year-old, Wynne. You’ve taught her so well.

    And agreed with you that when we are in our safe space, we tend to retreat to comfort mode rather than try harder mode. It’s great that you provide the psychological safety for her but also recognize that sometimes she needs to set out on her own.

    Good luck with the paddle boarding. It is addictive for sure and I’m certain Miss O will find her way soon enough.

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    1. Thanks for this vote of encouragement, Ab. You are right, paddle boarding is addictive! I’m thinking that once she gets the hang of it (probably with someone else as a guide), we’ll really have fun together.

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  5. Wow, I found your post so moving, Wynne, for a number of reasons. I guess in my mind, I could picture Miss O feeling so secure and loved with you, her mom, that she could be herself with you. But I also know that we as humans feel compelled to succeed. Just my opinion, but I wonder were and how we get so screwed up (my perspective was) that we think we always have to achieve…and what? I suffered tremendously when “i” couldn’t always achieve what I thought that “i” needed. My greatest growth actually came because life failed to yield to me what my ego thought I needed. I understand about growth, and I can certainly relate to what you shared about experiencing that growth when we’re out of our comfort zone; but to me the glorious prize is what you and your family
    have together: deep LOVE.

    I will, as usual, be looking forward to your next post. I’m so glad that Miss O has you for her mother.

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  6. Amazing that Miss O has been able to articulate what a lot of other kids can’t. We tend to call kids babies or mama’s baby’s when they seem to be tough and strong in every circumstance except when with mom. Instead of seeing that kids feel safe with mom, we tend to say that it’s because mom coddles them while other people don’t. This is amazing insight for a kid!!

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  7. ❤️❤️❤️ to that conclusion! I feel that.

    And I could not agree more with this: “when I’ve grown the most, it’s when I’ve moved outside my comfort zone and in many cases.” I became clear of this link for myself in another IT role a few years back. My manager had gone on vacation, leaving me to puzzle through a novel situation alone.

    While it sucked at first, I came to understand things in a totally different way that changed how the team did certain things after that. My manager and I were both ultimately pleased that he’d been gone at just that time, because of the possibilities opened up by my not leaning on someone else (and supportive!) to answer using old models.

    Love this post, which I’m reading in a break from training that will, I hope, help me get better about pushing outside my comfort zone. 🙂

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    1. I love your story about growth when your manager was gone. I can so relate to that. And yes – it sucks at first! I relate to that too but as you say, the possibilities open up.

      I hope your training is good and productive at pushing your comfort zone – it seems you are in a period of intense growth right now, Deborah!

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  9. This post is thought provoking on many levels. As has already been said very wise of your almost 7 year old.
    Then I think of me and my mom and how I never feel safe with her to see me struggling.
    And then I consider my own children who all three have their own wAys of showing their level of comfort with me.
    I have observed in them all a level of strength to ask or accept my help at various times during their lives but other times when they try to brave it without moms help. Ultimately I’m glad they feel safe with me to show both and I’m glad they know where they can go for help even now as adults.
    I feel I’ve done my job well and in satisfaction feel blessed 🥲
    Thanks Wynne ❤️🙏😊

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    1. Wow, Victoria. I’d say you have done your job well indeed. And to turn around the model that you got from your mom where you didn’t feel safe – that is truly remarkable! Nice work!

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      1. Thanks Wynne! It ain’t easy but doable. My dad gave me the support I needed through the years with love ❤️ and unconditional support! I feel blessed 🥲

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  11. It is always the comfort of unconditional love, that give us the strength to step out of that zone

    Such a heart warming vignette . Reminds me that a mother’s instinct is almost always infallible

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  12. The important thing is that she does have a comfort zone in you. What a wise young miss she is. Thanks to her amazing mama. I love her statement on not missing the first day. And she’s only 7? Wow! Tell her from a fellow paddleboarder, paddling is great fun and though we hit some challenges sometimes we do have a lot of fun along the way. Sometimes even falling in is fun.

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    1. Alegria – I’ve missed you! So fun to see you here. You are right, paddling is great fun and especially when it’s warm enough, falling too! Thank you for such a lovely comment!

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      1. I’ve missed your posts too Wynne. I’m afraid I may never catch up. Summer fun and other things means less time online. But I do think of you and love your writing so will continue to return. Have a beautiful day my friend. 💕

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      2. It sounds like you are living life well, Alegria! I’m so glad to know you are off having summer fun and I know they’ll be plenty of time for reconnecting when we come back indoors again. 🙂 Sending my best to you! ❤

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  14. The last sentence seems just right, Wynne. Growth often comes with stops and starts. My money remains on the Leon Family!

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  16. Beautiful post. It tugged at my heartstrings!
    I agree, “She’ll have plenty of other opportunities to learn from other people and experiences but even when growing, we all need a comfortable spot to come home to rest. ”
    My two grown-up children still reach out to me in happy as well as troubled times and when they need a listener. Now that they are grown up, my husband and I feel comfortable to share our thoughts with them.
    Isn’t it wonderful how once grown, the children become parents’ “comfortable spot”.
    Love

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  17. In a world where there’s enough pressure to succeed and move forward, kids need a soft place to land. A place where they are free to exhale and just be themselves without judgement. A good mom becomes that safe haven. Great post, Wynne.

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    1. I love your phrase – free to exhale! You are so right that there’s too much pressure. May we all be that for our kids, as I’m sure you are for your grown ones still, Nancy! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  18. That last sentence “we all need a comfortable spot to come home to rest.” Sometimes I’m better with my resolve around others than I am with those I’m closest to and this is an amazing relationship to have with your kiddo my friend. I miss having that with my mom. We’ve been going through some trials in our relationship and I’ve been finding comfort elsewhere. I hope that you both always have that kind of magical relationship

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    1. I’m so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your mom, my friend! I love your wish that I’ll always have that with my daughter and while I pray that will be the case, I suspect that we always have cycles in relationships. Wishing you that magic in all your relationships, and especially for the one with your mom to be restored!

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      1. Thanks so much! I’m not sure if it’s menopause that’s the issue or stress or what the deal is but it’s been hard to talk to her without her being extremely judgmental. She use to be my best friend but these days I can’t say two words to her without her going off. So I’m giving it time and space and hoping for the best.

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      2. Oh, that’s hard. I think you are right it’s probably something going on with her. And at least for me, when I’m in judgment, I can’t also be curious. Time, space and hope can work wonders – keeping my fingers crossed she returns to herself!

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  22. Love this! Great quote and amazing ability that Miss O has to express herself to you. Cortisol, what we normally think of as a stress hormone, has to be high enough for learning and memory to take place so that’s another piece that fits with growth outside of comfort zone

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    2. Oh, what an interesting factor you’ve added with the cortisol, Christina. Something important to consider for these lessons. And I’m sure you get a similar dynamic with your 6-year-old. What a job it is to be a parent!

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