Both And

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“Well, you can’t make old friends.” – Zadie Smith

The other day, my mom asked my daughter how her best friend, the little girl that lives next door, was feeling about having to move 1200 miles away in a month. My daughter replied that her friend was excited. And then she added, “And that makes me feel sad.”

The conversation moved on so thankfully I didn’t have to follow-up on that one right away because I find that subject to be tricky. How to be happy for others even when it means a loss for ourselves.

Years ago when I had a corporate job, I hired a former colleague to come work for me. He worked for me for about a year and I had given him some great opportunities and he had done a fantastic job. Then he announced that he’d gotten a job at Microsoft and was quitting and I felt hurt and betrayed. I don’t think I could talk to him at length for a week. Down deep I was happy for him and eventually I got there so I was happier for him up top as well, but I definitely felt the challenge of summoning my best self.

Listening to a Ten Percent Happier podcast with cognitive scientist Maya Shankar gave me some insight on why it’s so hard. She said “We don’t like change because it almost definitionally involves a loss of identity and that’s very destabilizing. I think as humans we often attach ourselves to specific identities as we move through the world because it gives us a sense of security.”

When I use that lens to apply to my work situation with my colleague, I can spot the identity I was inhabiting easily. The man that I hired was also someone I had championed previously when he was switching into the field of technology from his career in the military. I had spent a lot of time and energy helping him adjust to the change of culture and expectations and hopefully imparted some technical knowledge as well. When he quit, it challenged my sense of being a mentor.

In return, he had done the job beautifully and when I got over myself, I could appreciate that. It required me to disconnect from that specific identity to a more general sense which is that I draw a lot of satisfaction from helping other people.

In a quiet moment at the end of the day my daughter made that comment about her friend, I asked her some more questions and we talked about how she could be both/and. That is to say both sad that her friend was leaving and hopeful that her friend has an exciting new adventure when she moves. And that neither takes away from the friendship they have today.

(featured photo from Pexels)

17 thoughts on “Both And”

  1. The complexity of emotion and of much else isn’t usually what we want. Moreover, people (including some religious institutions) tell us what we SHOULD) feel things we don’t always feel, like happiness when we feel a sense of rejection or jealousy). It is all very human and takes some time to process.

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    1. I love the wisdom of this comment, Dr. Stein! So beautifully said – the complexity of emotion isn’t usually what we want. Indeed! Thank you for the wise counsel to take some time to process.

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    2. I agree with Gerald: you’re bringing up 2 very profound questions here.

      And I agree with Gerald also that our emotions are often complex. I knew how much my parents loved me, but was awed by how they always encouraged me to go and find my happiness and new experiences, even when it meant taking me away from them and hurting them through that.

      And I like how you referred to change: yes, we’re told that it’s good to like change, but I think at the end of the day we mostly like it when it happens at a “safe distance”… Like that old cartoon when someone asks “who wants change?” and everyone raises their hands, and then the next question is “who wants to change?” and people all take their hands down 🙂

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      1. Love that cartoon description. Hilarious…because it’s so true!!

        Your description of your parents – so touching and real. Wow, such a great example of how complex our feelings are — and how we love people through it all. Beautiful!

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  2. I had been wondering about this friend and it sounds like the big move is imminent.

    Oh I feel for Miss O a lot. This is such a huge change. And your own personal experience and reflection illuminates how much this change hurts for adults, much less children.

    Change is a necessary sadness in life and there will be a grieving period for sure. But also wonderful memories that last beyond the grief.

    Good luck to you and Miss O! 🙏💕

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    1. You are so kind to be attentive to this move, Ab. It feels like we are experiencing this in slow motion and in some ways, that feels hard. But you are right, there is the grief and also the wonderful memories and both are possible!

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  3. Thank you for this post, Wynne. There are complicated emotions swirling around change in my world, and I’ve struggled with the process of understanding and accepting them. My journey to enlightenment continues…💜

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    1. I can’t imagine how many emotions you must have, Natalie. And the changes in identity – from American to Ex-pat and all the rest. Wow, it’s big, brave and I can imagine confusing. I continue to be inspired to you at every turn!

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  5. The identity notion is extremely deep my friend. It’s not something I’ve ever thought about and I’m so glad you helped your daughter think of both her sadness AND her friend. Amazing!

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  6. What a beautiful post on friendship Wynne! (Maybe it’s not on friendship but this is my main takeaway). I can tell you that when the two little girls meet again in the future it will be as if it was the day before. It happens each time my son goes back to our hometown and meets with one friend of the primary school. I asked him and he told that it is as time was never passed. And it happens to me as well with my friends there.

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