Open Up, Buttercup

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“Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.” – Maya Angelou

The other day on the carpool home from school, my daughter teed off when her friend said something about being called on in class. “I never get called on in class!” and “I never get to say my ideas!”

Self-pity is the emotion that I have the most trouble with. I think the idea that we should never feel or express self-pity was inculcated in me from an early age. My memory is that it was communicated in statements like “You can join us again when you are feeling more positive.” Or “Can I join the pity party?” or “Toughen up, Buttercup.”

So I think I came by my intolerance of self-pity in myself or others honestly from probably generations of family habits. But a little self-reflection shows me that the complete shutdown in my ability to listen and feel when self-pity appears is neither the person or parent I want to be.

I was mulling this over when I heard a Ten Percent Happier podcast with therapist Dr. Jacob Ham that helped clarify the underlying question. In the course of the conversation the topic of whether you have to love yourself to love another came up. Dr. Ham’s answer was it depends – “It depends if your fear is so great that it inhibits connection to yourself or another.”

While my natural inclination is not to name the feeling as fear, it gets at the heart of the question of solving things in ourselves so they don’t hinder our connection to others. I still have trouble thinking of self-pity as anything useful – but I also know my resistance tells me that it’s inhibiting the Flow of life somewhere and it’s worth a look.

In the car when I was listening to my daughter’s complaints, I could relate that I often see a skewed version of events when I’m tired or not feeling well. In my daughter’s case, I think she was both tired and hungry so I asked if we could come back to it after we filled her tank.

She said it was frustrating not to feel seen at times but after acknowledging that, we made a list of things she wants to do so that she can speak up about her ideas like raising her hand more enthusiastically. We’ll see if it works but I’m just grateful that I held on long enough to participate in the conversation.

(featured photo from Pexels)

26 thoughts on “Open Up, Buttercup”

  1. I find that emotions are often about “When? How much? And “For how long?” Nothing you described in your daughter’s feelings sounds troublesome as I understand them. She expressed them to you, which is very good. It must have felt safe for her to do so, a credit to you.

    One could call it frustration instead of self-pity, as she did after a while. It also looks like self-affirmation from another angle.

    All of us who have served as parents need to work through the errors of our own parents and be careful not to either recreate them with our kids or so revile the way we were brought up that we go to an extreme in a different direction. As parents, we face the long shadow of our own past as our children mature, ringing old bells in us made new again as we pass through the stages of our children’s lives. At best, it is always a work in progress.

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    1. What an affirming and informative comment, Dr. Stein! You hit so many points – not reviling our parent’s mistakes, parenting as a work in progress, the undercurrent of emotions. I am drinking it all in and feel so grateful for your chiming in. Thank you!

      On a different note, I notice that I can’t click through to your blog from your comment. I’d expect that the “drgeraldstein” would link me to your blog and I’m wondering if you need to add your site URL in your Gravatar profile? http://en.gravatar.com/drgeraldstein

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a colleague who frustrated me to no end when he picked on my (then frequent) use of words like “never” or “always.” He was right, few things qualify for “never” or “always”, and certainly my claims deserved a “rarely” or “mostly.” This colleague gifted me with three things:
    1) I tried to use “never” and “always” less frequently… with varying degrees of success 🙃
    2) I got frustrated, a lot, whenever he chimed in during discussions since he derailed the discussion with these “never”/“always” comments and outlier examples. Hey, not all gifts are welcomed, but it was a gift, still.
    3) He got me thinking about the golden path. I agree with you that wallowing in self-pity is destructive, but a little self-pity can be like licking your emotional wounds, and healing?
    Im glad you were able to be part of that conversation and help your daughter grow!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Well, I ALWAYS enjoy your comments, EW! What an interesting list of gifts that you have presented here. Thank you for helping me to see that a little self-pity can be licking your wounds so you can move forward to healing. An interesting perspective that fits perfectly with the Maya Angelou quote at the top. Yes – that makes sense!

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      1. Thank you so much, Wynne! Your and your daughter’s story alongside re-reading of the quote several times triggered that memory. My struggle still remains finding (and staying on :)) the golden path…

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  3. We all feel certain things for a reason and I think it’s really important to explore why we feel something within the moment we’re in. If it’s a question of jealousy or wallowing, then I sit with it for a few moments and acknowledge it but move on. If I’m feeling sorry for myself because I don’t feel good about something, than I sit with it a little longer. The key isn’t to brush off how we’re feeling or how someone else is feeling but to find out why we feel that way and what we can do about it.
    This is such a thought provoking post. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have you as a mom. There’s so much wisdom in filling her tank first and then breaking the cycle in brushing off her feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make such a good point here, LaShelle. That our feelings come for a reason and deserve our attention whether we like them or not. They are teachers that we can sit with and learn faster or ignore and go the long way. Yes – thank you for giving me that perspective – I needed to hear it as I continue to grow! 🙂

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  4. Self-pity, the steam valve of low self-esteem! We all experience these emotions, and the gift we give our kids and ourselves is to learn how to successfully navigate those moments! What are the tools we can use? What self-talk is useful?

    Self-pity isn’t without use, for it can show us where we feel unappreciated or unheard. Real or not, if not addressed in a healthy way can lead to deeper anxieties and even depression. Kudos for taking an active part in developing these skills!

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  5. Self pity, as you noted, is often a front or a symptom of other emotions, like frustration, disappointment, rejection.

    I think they are understandable human emotions and the most important part is to validate these feelings and move on from them in a productive way, rather than get stuck in them.

    And it sounds like you helped your daughter do just that by validating her emotions and helping her develop ideas to move on from these feelings of frustration.

    Good luck to her with implementing the suggestions you co-created!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such a great point about validating them so that we can move on. It really dovetails with the Maya Angelou quote – that we don’t want to stay in self-pity but as you said, move on from it in a productive way. Thank you, Ab!

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  7. I like how you paused and thought before you responded, and did not react. I may have told you already the Cockroach Theory (respond not react). I liked your readers comments also. I confess that I lack empathy for what some people call tribulation in their lives. Perhaps it is my age, or my decades dealing with health issues/dialysis/surgeries but I often think how many people would love to swap tribulations with some of these people. It seems to me that life guarantees we will eventually die and that’s about it. Along the way it’s hard to believe we can avoid some unhappiness completely – it’s like being outside and being caught in the rain – you can’t help get a little bit wet. We can laugh or moan – it’s our choice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a great big picture comment, David. Yes, ultimately we can laugh or moan and it is our choice.

      Love the Cockroach Theory – I hadn’t heard that one before and what a great way to encapsulate that response!

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  8. Hmm, I think it was framed for us as self pity, when it could also be clarifying why we feel uncomfortable so we can act to change something. I was highly discouraged from presenting what was bothering me. So glad you were able to help your daughter figure out how to ask for what she needs.

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    1. Oh, this is such a rich comment. “Clarifying why we feel uncomfortable so we can act to change something.” Yes! And when we see it that way, we can help others work through it. Thanks for this gift, Rebecca!

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  9. I grew up in a family where self-pity was called whining. I learned early on to avoid all traces of whining, never mention when things went wrong. Not a healthy balanced way to live, but I’ve learned to take a mellower approach to my feelings as I’ve matured. My point is that I’m glad you had the conversation with your daughter and that you were open to her feelings.

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    1. Oh yeah, whining. I hadn’t thought of those as related but now that you point it out, it seems so obvious. Hmm, tolerating that tone is going to take some more work on my part because I find myself asking for things to be said again without whining. Oh boy, there’s always something to adjust. 🙂 Glad your mellower approach to feelings has worked for you and grateful for your comment that has taught me something!

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