Facing Our Fears Together

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“Be a lamp, a lifeboat or a ladder.” – Rumi

At bedtime last night my 6-year-old confessed to me that she runs ahead on the way to bed so that she can check under the bed for thieves. Not burglars, not robbers but thieves. But it was such an intimate moment that I didn’t ask about the word selection.

It struck me as I was listening what a privilege it is to hear someone else’s fears. Because what seems so real to us can feel childish to someone else. I remember confessing shortly after my daughter was born to a friend who doesn’t have kids that this was the hardest thing I’d ever done. My friend laughed, not unkindly but dismissively and I felt so exposed that I couldn’t say more.

Conversely I have friends to whom I can tell my biggest fears and know they won’t talk me out of them but instead will help me walk through them. In this way each monster we’ve faced together has been a bridge to closeness. It’s created the bond of facing things together.

When I’ve been the one entrusted with a friend’s hardship, I feel the honor of providing reassurance. Life has taught me we all fear different things but trust is built when we honor that they are real to the person who faces them.

So I told my daughter that it’s unlikely a thief would be patient enough to wait under the bed but I’d help her check. And I told her that when I was her age that I feared snakes under my bed. She thought that was weird until I told her that I had a prized set of four National Geographic books – puppies, kittens, frogs and snakes. I loved the puppies and kittens but I was fascinated by the snakes. So I could totally picture the hooded King Cobra ready to strike unless I cleared the bed by a good margin.

We talked about the probability that when her little brother is 6-years-old, he’ll probably have his own thing that he fears and she prepared her answer for how she’ll reassure him. Hand-in-hand we talked about facing our fears, looked under the bed and then had a great night’s sleep.

(featured photo by Pexels)

33 thoughts on “Facing Our Fears Together”

  2. This is wonderful, both in the telling and I’m sure in the moment. I like that your daughter confided in you about her fear, rational or not. I was afraid of witches when I was a girl, convinced that one under a bookcase in my bedroom and was waiting to grab me with her evil hands and pull me under the bookcase. 😳

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    1. Oh, that sounds scary even in the retelling, Ally! I remember being scared of witches after seeing the Wizard of Oz. I hope someone gave you a magic hex to put on them! 🙂

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    1. What a wonderful gift of a comment, Deb! I hope so. There are moments when I’m tired or distracted and don’t do it very well but I can only hope that I do it enough of the time so that they’ll repeat themselves when I don’t get it.

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  4. How wonderful that your daughter could share so openly with you about her fear. Fear often loosens it’s grip on us when we’re able to share them with a trusted person. We all need those people in our lives too, as you stated, whom we can easily talk to without judgement. They are rare gifts. Also, it says a lot about your parenting that your daughter can share her fears with you.

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    1. I agree, Nancy! When we can tell someone else and they don’t judge us, then we can come to our own conclusion that the fear is unmerited. Thank you for such a lovely comment!

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  6. Good job with your daughter, Wynne. It is interesting to me how the friend without children apparently couldn’t imagine a situation she hadn’t lived, observed something similar in her life experience, read about it, remembered hearing others talk about similar experiences, took the time to consider how you might feel in response to her dismissal, or noticed your silence and wondered what explained it. I could say much more, but it would be more guesswork as I don’t know this person. However, it sounds as though you have thought about her reaction.

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    1. A very insightful comment, Dr. Stein. My friend, who has many other wonderful qualities, is not a very good listener. And yes, I’ve thought about her reaction – because it’s taught me much about my own ability to listen.

      Your reaction shows what a skilled listener (and reader) you must be and I’m sure the people around you benefit greatly. For me, it’s something I keep working on because I think the world needs more good listeners!

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      1. Thank you, Wynne. My job and my relationships required me to think about this issue a lot. I’m still working on it!

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  7. “When I’ve been the one entrusted with a friend’s hardship, I feel the honor of providing reassurance. Life has taught me we all fear different things but trust is built when we honor that they are real to the person who faces them.” Your words speak to me as a compassionate reminder and personal truth, Wynne. A beautiful post and poignant moment. Thank you.💜

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  8. How amazing that your daughter feels free to share her fear with you! As kids, my sister and I, who shared a bed, were also afraid of a ‘thiefman’ (Guyanese English) hiding under our bed, but we were both afraid to check. Indeed, there are some who are dismissive of our fears. I suspect that such individuals share similar or other fears but are afraid or ashamed to admit it.

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    1. What an insightful observation, Rosaliene. That makes sense that those who are dismissive have their own demons.

      It’s hard to look, isn’t it? Thank goodness we can do it together!

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    1. What a lovely response, Tamara! I don’t always get it right as a parent, especially when I’m tired but I appreciate you validating a moment in our journey!! 🙂 ❤

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      1. My pleasure! Everyone needs to be told when they’re doing great! Too many people are eager to blast when they don’t see things going well!!

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  11. I am so glad you were able to both validate your daughter’s feelings and help her deal with them at the same time. I had the weirdest fears at night, often related to something in the news or on school TV. For example, at the time (early to mid-1990s), there were regular features on TV about how leprosy was common in developing countries. I never quite picked the bit about the developing countries up (I live in the Netherlands), so would sit up at night counting my fingers and toes and seeing if I still had feeling in them or had I perhaps contracted leprosy? My father tried to reassure me that only people in impoverished places, who had poor hygiene, got this, but it didn’t help.

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    1. That’s so interesting, Astrid. It just goes to show that our fears aren’t rational but that doesn’t make them any less real. Thank you for adding to this conversation!

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  13. What a wonderful response, Wynne. I’ve learned about the importance of validating our children’s thoughts, emotions and yes, fears – and how it goes a long way in building relationships that are resilient and trustworthy. Sounds like you are doing just that for her! 💕

    PS Maybe it’s a leprechaun? 😆

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    1. Excellent point, Ab! I should put the leprechaun trap under the bed!! 🙂

      I know you’ve done a lot of work in the same space validating emotions for T. And it works for grown people as well too!

      Hope you all are having a great Monday!

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  14. Aww, what a touching story. And you are so right. There are people we’ll share things with—or won’t—based on their reactions, and to cut them some slack, most times they don’t know that they’re doing anything. Anyway, thanks for this post!

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    1. You are so right about cutting people slack, Stuart – most times when someone doesn’t react the way we want or expect, they have no idea. Thanks for visiting and commenting!

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