Feeling Things All the Way Through

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“What is not expressed is depressed.” – Mark Nepo

The other day our honorary grandfather said to my two-year-old son who was fussing over a circumstance in his life, “Boys don’t cry.” While it was said totally genially and as a way to humor a child out of a mood, there was no doubt that he believed that mantra.

Which brought to mind the quote included at the top of this post by author Mark Nepo, “What is not expressed is depressed.” The longer that I live, the more that I have come to understand that emotions wreak havoc if not allowed to be felt all the way through. It brought to mind a comment I heard from emotions researcher Barbara Frederickson that all emotions have utility – sadness and depression when experienced in the typical course of life often tell us to stop doing what we are doing.

It’s when we refuse letting them tell us things that we shut down our own ability to listen to our inner source of knowledge. I spent years doing that when I was married because numbing my emotions was easier than taking the steps to acknowledge that under the surface of my positivity that I was miserable.

I haven’t gotten much better at vocalizing my less enthusiastic emotions since then but I have gotten better at recognizing them. The other day I was really resistant to working on a particular client project and internally thought, “Wow, I can’t stand this project.” And that strong note which often doesn’t arise in me made me realize that the way this particular project is structured doesn’t work for me. Observing that, I could acknowledge I won’t do it this way again.

Watching my son with his honorary grandfather reminded me of a passage I read in Listening to Your Life by Frederick Buechner. In it he points out the similarities between old age and childhood – the body does not support everything you want to do so you learn to play, you aren’t at an age where you have to prove yourself and:

Very young children and very old children also seem to be in touch with something that the rest of the pack has lost track of. There is something bright and still about them at their best, like the sun before breakfast. Both the old and the young get scared sometimes about what lies ahead of them, and with good reason, but you can’t help feeling that whatever inner goldenness they’re in touch with will see them through in the end.

Listening to Your Life by Frederick Buechner

The great thing about toddlers is that there seems to be very little artifice to the emotions they share. In the course of learning to regulate them, they express what strikes them at the moment. Boys do cry as do girls, and then they move on. It’s like watching master class on authentic expression and I can’t help but be impressed and learn a little bit more every day.

32 thoughts on “Feeling Things All the Way Through”

  1. There’s a bunch of gendered beliefs surrounding emotions- women have too many and often use them in non productive ways to men should never express them or they are viewed as weak…As children grow they are socially educated to the same beliefs. I see it with the grands all the time.

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    1. Great point, Deb! Just reading that list makes me resonate with the times I’ve heard those beliefs. And so sad to hear that our kids get the message whether or not the parents instill it. And then we wonder why people feel anxiety or are drawn to violent video games when they aren’t allowed to feel things all the way through.

      And I’m one to talk because I have internalized them through and through. But the more I learn how to at the very least recognize feelings as they pop up, I realize they pass through a lot faster when I don’t resist having them at all!

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      1. I’ve had family tell me that I “dwell” too much on specific emotions. I have to chuckle to myself as they are the ones I consistently see stuff everything down and act as if actually attempting to deal with things is a huge forbidden rule.

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  2. I dislike that old trope “boys don’t cry”. I’m saddened to know boys are still being told that. My grandson shared how he’s been pressured by family (his dad’s side) not to express his feelings, to which I told him it’s utter BS! I told him his grandfather (mother’s dad) did cry, and I never saw him as being unmanly, just human!

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      1. I’m only one person! I’m inspired by this and am writing a post about it to hopefully help a couple more people! 😊

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  3. Oh, so much good stuff in here, Wynne, that i don’t know where to begin. So I’ll cut to the chase and announce that it’s great to be a very old kid, play, and not have to defend myself. I recommend it for all ages!

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      2. Thank you, Rebecca! They were back at it again this weekend and now that I’ve told that story, it makes me notice it even more. The power of something shared, right? 🙂

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  6. The world of people is a university without charge. The only other universal place of learning, slightly more expensive, is the mirror. Thank you, Wynne.

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      2. By the way, Mark, I put a little blurb about No Time for Kings on my post on pointlessoverthinking.com this morning. I don’t think I have a lot of sway but maybe a few of the 27k subscribers might click through?!

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  8. My hope is that having a cry when you need one is normalized for all genders in future generations. My husband was brought up with “boys don’t cry” and he has difficulty expressing his emotions. I would love to see this change ❤

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    1. Yes! It really stuffs down the ability to be vulnerable, doesn’t it? I hope it changes too! Speaking of your husband – is he still in the hospital? Finding any answers or feeling better? I hope some progress is being made!

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      1. I really appreciate you asking, Wynne. My husband is currently at home, and able to work some. We are working hard to get him on the transplant list (lots of hoops to jump through). Right now he is pretty stable, but there have been various medical procedures (exploring the scope of the problem) each week. We are both exhausted, but hanging in there. It really means a lot that you thought to ask. Hope you have a great day, my friend ❤

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  9. We can learn so much indeed from how little children – and older children – feel the fullness of their emotions and how quickly they get over things! It’s such an admirable and enviable trait!

    And I agree that the gendered beliefs about “boys don’t cry” should be challenged and I’m glad to see more focus and encouragement in schools and society these days to encourage emotional intelligence in all our kids.

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    1. I love hearing that you are seeing more emotional intelligence work in schools these days for boys. Makes me more reassured about Mr. D’s experience when he gets there.

      And yes, isn’t it admirable the way they feel things all the way through? And I’ve always admired how you give T the space to do that!

      Hope your week back is starting okay!

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