The Threshold to Love

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“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost

I’ve been divorced for 10 years and a single parent now for 6 and a half years. I’ve written about the reason I didn’t have kids when I was married and instead chose to do it on my own. Since I went into this phase of my life choosing to be single, I think it’s largely exceeded my expectations. Although there are tough moments, it’s been incredibly joyful for most of the time and I’m grateful for all the people around me that provide encouragement and support.

I’ve always thought that I would circle back around to dating at some point. This pandemic has shown me again and again that my optimism makes me a terrible prognosticator but I still believe I will end up with the love of my love.

The problem is that at a base level I don’t believe that adding a man to my life will improve it. Intellectually I know this to be a result of having a crappy husband the first time around. I don’t think his infidelities hang me up much. The fear is more based on the give/take of our relationship. As my gentle father put it when I finally got divorced, “he loved to BE loved.” Perhaps we were just mismatched but I could never make him feel loved or secure enough, and I exhausted myself trying.

So, I have this threshold between me and my future that I need to cross. It is returning to the belief that I held before I was married that romantic relationships can be life-giving and refreshing. That belief is one that I embody in all my other relationships but have taken a step back from when it comes to love. And as much time as I spend analyzing it, writing about it, knowing it, it is just dancing in front of the door without stepping a toe over.

It is one reason that my breath was taken away when I read this quote by Henri Nouwen’s, “The future depends on how you remember your past.” I know it isn’t just me that needs to do the work of genuine risk to face the thresholds installed by the pain of the past. As the Robert Frost quote at the top of this post says, the only way out is through.

So I take a deep breath in and thank my ex-husband for preparing me to love these two children. They at many times need as much care as he did but show great promise of growing out of it. And then I breathe out the fear of a relationship that only withdraws from me and never gives. When I do this over and over, I prepare myself to walk through that doorway into the possibility of love once again.

(featured photo from Pexels)

25 thoughts on “The Threshold to Love”

  3. Beautiful! I too stand at the doorway but don’t step through. I don’t put myself out there with dating apps nor do I actively try to meet people. I seem to have good taste but the men who I see as potentials are already married! No home wrecker here! Lol!

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  6. A wise and insightful post, Wynne, on Valentines Day too!

    I think you have proven to yourself you don’t need a partner to get through life and to enjoy that it has to offer. But I also understand the love to be loved as you described.

    It is unfortunately your prior relationship happened and ended the way that it did but you are wise to recognize that it should not define how you move through to the next love of your life.

    I have faith that it will happen. 🙏

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  7. Thanks for sharing, Wynne. For several years in Brazil, I was open to building a new relationship. Sadly, the good men were already taken. Like Tamara, I’m no home wrecker: I know firsthand what one did to my family.

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  9. “The problem is that at a base level I don’t believe that adding a man to my life will improve it.” And this is the context within which I struggle with vulnerability. Beautiful post, Wynne 💜

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    1. I’m so grateful to know that I’m in this boat with other amazing and delightful women such as you, Natalie! Thank you for your lovely comment. And we can always inspire each other to walk over that threshold if the right time comes! 😉

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  10. I resonate with you here. Through my experiences I have realised that I am enough by myself and only when I am complete shall I be completely whole. True love gives that additional dimension but it doesn’t take away anything if I am complete 🙂
    More power to you and I love the quote.

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  11. I cringe when I hear someone say … “he/ she completes me.” It takes two whole people to create a strong, meaningful relationship. When we depend on someone else to complete us or meet our every need, we’re placing them in God’s position. It’s a burden none of us can carry. My husband and I married young. We learned these hard lessons early on and thankfully our marriage not only survived but thrived. I’m sure you will walk over that threshold when the right person shows up at just the right time.

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    1. Thank you for sharing a part of your loving journey with your husband, Nancy. It is so inspirational to hear of the work of healthy relationships that support being whole, strong individuals. Thank you for this gift and your confidence in my ability to cross the threshold!

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  12. Thank you for sharing!!!… just follow your heart because your heart knows!.. two more quotes you might wish to consider… “Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come”. (Author Unknown)….. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” (Alexander Graham Bell)… 🙂

    Until we meet again..
    May the love that you give
    Always return to you,
    That family and friends are many
    And always remain true,
    May your mind only know peace
    No suffering or strife,
    May your heart only know love and happiness
    On your journey through life.
    (Larry “Dutch” Woller)

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