Going All-In

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“To lose balance, sometimes, for love, is part of living a balanced life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I dated a guy when I was in my mid-20’s that told me early on in the relationship, like before we’d even been on a dozen dates, that he would never take me to or pick me up from the airport. That way, he reasoned, it would never look like he loved me less when he stopped picking me up.

Around the same time I had a work colleague who was celebrating his one-year wedding anniversary. He said that the key was to go really small so that he wouldn’t set a precedent that couldn’t be maintained.

What I’ve found interesting is that with taking care of babies, there is no choice but to go all-in. You start out taking care of their every need and then with time have to negotiate new roles, responsibilities and boundaries.

I recently implemented the practice that once I sat down to dinner, I wouldn’t get up until I was done eating. If the kids are excused and they need help getting a toy, I tell them that I’ll get it when I’m finished. If they want something to eat or drink that was included in dinner, I give them choices they can get themselves or that are reachable. If they want me to watch them, I remind them to do it where I can see from the table.

This practice was incredibly hard work for me for about three weeks. I had to resist the temptation to just get up and do it. Or, if they spilled something, I had to let go of muttering under my breath because doing it would be easier than cleaning up when they do it. Setting the boundary meant creating the consistency in me as much as the expectation in them.

But it is the work of maturity – in our relationship as well as ourselves. It made me think about that boyfriend from my 20’s.  It’s no surprise that I broke up with him. Among many things, his practicality limited his openness. There’s a fine line between defining boundaries and not wanting people to breech our walls.

And my colleague – unfortunately the marriage ended in divorce. Life has taught me that hedging our bets almost always limits the full range of feeling. It’s hard to walk the service back, draw better boundaries as relationships mature. But parenthood has taught me that sometimes it’s necessary to start by going all in.

(featured photo from Pexels)

27 thoughts on “Going All-In”

  2. “…hedging our bets almost always limits the full range of feeling…” – Amen Wynne! Going “…all in…” risks vulnerability, but at the expense forfeiting feeling life to its fullest. I like the way Amy Charmichael put it . . . “Love to live. Live to love”

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  3. Absolutely agree, parenthood is all about going all in. I have learned so much about myself as a parent. And it certainly hasn’t always been smooth sailing.
    In relationships, though it is difficult to expose our vulnerabilities, if we don’t, we miss out on the full spectrum of love. Going all in may be scary, but missing out is worse. Beautiful post Wynne. Your children are so blessed to have you as their mother.

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  4. Yah, I don’t know what your ex was smoking but that wouldn’t fly with me either! 😆 Those are red flags when someone sets the bar so so low. 😆

    I agree with you that parenting teaches us to go in. Sometimes, it exposes us to hurt, pain and disappointment but it also open us up to all the possibilities of feeling. And that is so incredibly freeing. 🙏

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  6. I agree with you, Wynne. “But parenthood has taught me that sometimes it’s necessary to start by going all in.”
    I remember the moment – – It took just one look at my firstborn (5 weeks premature) wrapped like a mini burrito, and handed to me with gentleness by a kind nurse!
    I was at once awestruck, overcome with a feeling of unconditional love and a deep sense of responsibility, and “I went all in” and “stayed in” permanently.
    Enjoy your precious little ones.
    Chaya

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    2. Oh, you describe those moments with your children perfectly! Touches my heart to think of your little burritos and remember mine. Such a great picture of going all-in!! Thank you for a lovely comment that reminds me that we STAY all-in! ❤

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  7. I love what you are imparting to your children and I am so certain that they are growing up to be the most sensible people around!
    It is true, there is thin line between setting expectations and being all out in love. I for one believe that it is the little things that matter and not grand gestures, picking up for the airport doesn’t equate to loving the person a lot unless it is done as an act of love and not as the right thing to do. I see love in little things, a smile, a gentle discussion and being there through everything.

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    1. What a lovely comment. I’m not sure that sense is passed from generation to generation – because my parents had a lot of sense (and faith and grace) and still I had to develop my own. But I do hope that my children benefit from my unwavering support!

      And I totally agree about the little things that matter. I love how you put it – “a gentle discussion and being there through everything!.” Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  8. I completely agree this is as much an exercise in consistency (and patience and resilience) on your own part as it is setting a boundary on your children. My father’s attitude was that a family is like a business, it has to be run efficiently. As a result, when I didn’t complete a task quickly enough or got frustrated, he’d get angry and/or just do it for me. Needless to say that left me with very low self-esteem.

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    1. What an interesting comment, Astrid. It seems your father’s approach should mostly reflect on him – but I’m sorry it impacted you. Patience seems like something that can make such a difference when we try to support each other. Thank you for reading and commenting!

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  9. That 20s boyfriend sounds like he was making an excuse to be a lazy jerk. Not real impressed with the married guy either. I can’t imagine not getting up half a dozen times while eating! Ha. It would be a dozen times if I didn’t have a hubby to help me! You go, girl!

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      2. Well, I haven’t discovered the answer yet but by going to your blog I did discovered that I wasn’t following you. Which is odd because I thought I did that last week. So at least I solved that!

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  11. Most of us dated some “nightmares” in our 20’s… lol. I love how you are setting boundaries, and teaching your children a bit of independence, what a wonderful moment of growth for all of you.

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