Emotions about Emotions

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“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” – Chinese Proverb

The other day I was in my car driving my toddler out of a park. We’d met some friends, played a while but had to leave because it was his naptime. His older sister was able to stay because our friends were bringing her home.

He was crying “go back” and “no, no, La-la (his name for his sister).” I totally sympathized with why he’d be frustrated, disappointed and feel it was unfair. I was glad he felt free to express himself. But after a couple minutes of this, I felt miserable listening to him.

I continued to feel so uncomfortable listening to him continue to cry for the entire winding road up and out of the park, probably five minutes. I kept thinking, “ I am so done with this emotion. I can’t wait until you grow up and can deal with disappointment quietly.”

I want my kids/friends/family to express themselves. I also feel miserable sometimes having to witness these messy emotions. How can both things be true?

I asked my meditation teacher. We talked through a history we both share of childhoods where “suck it up, buttercup” was the rule of the house. And we talked through the feeling of wanting to shut down and run away when someone wants to emote. I’d like to problem solve, move past, read it in a letter, whatever it takes not to just have to sit and bear witness for as long as they’d like to go on.

My teacher pointed out that this IS the practice of meditation. Observing what arises, not attaching, not resisting, not judging. Not piling on with feelings about feelings.

Damn, it’s hard.

I remember when my sister spent a month staying with my mom just after my dad died. She texted me something about my mom along the lines of “I can’t tell if she’s crying because she misses him or she feels sorry for herself.” It seemed so unfair to me to read that about my strong mother who is so put together and also allowed to grieve. But I’ve come to believe my sister was feeling that same need to escape someone else’s emotion.

The other day, I never mastered my emotion driving out of the park but did manage to sit in silence as my son worked it out. Once we drove through the park gates, he quieted down and shifted to observing trucks, pumpkins and being his usual affable self. Thank goodness. But next time, I aspire to not adding my emotions about other people’s emotions to create more misery.

9 thoughts on “Emotions about Emotions”

  1. YES to noticing what arises! I believe that the emotions we do not allow become stuck in the body. Just noticing gives the space for the feeling to be acknowledged and for it to pass.

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  2. Sounds like a wonderful lesson learned, Wynne. It is very hard, especially when it comes to our own little ones, not to want to pile on our own feelings on top of theirs. But good for you for recognizing that sometimes it’s best to park your own feelings aside and let them work through the moment. That quote at the top is a wonderfully apt and wise one too!

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    1. Yes – love what you say about “especially when it comes to our own little ones.” You are so right that it’s hardest with them! Thanks, Ab!

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  3. I have found that trying to control what is outside myself is a lost cause. The emotion it stirs in me is far from pleasant. And trying to control that emotion is next to impossible in some incidents. Are children aware of this turbulence? I would surmise that they are, and are capable of using it to their advantage.

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    1. You pose such an interesting question. I agree that children are very emotionally intelligent. They can intuit things long before they can speak them. But at least at my kids age, I don’t see them using it too much (although I could be completely snowed and admit that). They don’t seem to yet have the planning capability to do that so they seem to just feel and then move on.

      You’ve given me food for thought though. One of the reasons I find it so fascinating to observe and write about all these elemental things as they emerge in our little people is that they are so much more visible than in the complex mix that is an adult. Comments like yours make me so interested to go back and observe some more.

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      1. Wynne, I was already filing for a divorce when my son was 6 months old. Although I was sure my voice was even when I would speak to my soon-to-be ex-husband on the phone, I could swear my son somehow knew who I was talking to and would start crying. Never failed.

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