Strong Back, Soft Front

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“Do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa

Last night we returned from a small outdoor party right at my son’s bedtime. I went to take off his shoes and socks and start to get him ready for bed and he was lying on the couch, head on the pillows, looking very much like a little grown man taking a load off after a long day. When I told him it was time to get his jammies on and stooped to pick him up he said, “No tank ooo.” At 23 months “no thank you” is his most powerful phrase and although I’d never claim that he fully understands the politeness of it, it’s still quite effective.

It makes me think of a phrase I first heard used by Brene Brown, “strong back, soft front” but I believe was originated by Roshi Joan Halifax, a Buddhist teacher. Strong back, as I think it relates to parenting, is all the things I try to hold the line on to raise healthy, happy and kind children. Bedtimes, self-care, routines, boundaries with each other, politeness. They are all the things that I feel like I repeat over and over again until I hope they pick them up for themselves.

And while I’m doing that, my soft front is so often moved by the sweet little things they do, their cries when life gets too much, and the moments of pride when they show they are learning something I’ve said. It’s my soft heart that gets opened over and over again by the bravery, dignity and earnestness of little people.

The thing I’ve noticed about parenting with a strong back, soft front is that dichotomy keeps me upright in those moments when I’m out of my depth. Either I’m too tired or too confounded by a situation that is challenging me, I can hold both ideas to create a balance that will see me through. I can be overwhelmed by my love and empathy AND still have the wherewithal to get my kids to bed.

Which is what I did last night. I stopped and talked with my toddler for a minute about the day, I listened to his “no tank ooo’s” and then I scooped him up to go upstairs and read.

NOTE: For anyone interested in a great description of strong back, soft front, I found this post by Bev Janisch that includes content from Brene Brown and a guided meditation.

26 thoughts on “Strong Back, Soft Front”

  1. I really love your parental analogy of “Strong Back, Soft Front” I often use it in my practice to help individuals understand healthy boundaries, and learning how to love from a distance. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. Reblogged this on Surprised By Joy and commented:

    This week it seems like I’ve had to be very firm with myself to focus on the things I have to get done and not just the things I want to get done. At the same time, I’ve been trying to hold compassion for all the things that are unsolved in me. It makes me think of this wonderful phrase from Roshi Joan Halifax – Strong Back, Soft Front.

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  3. “The bravery, dignity and earnestness of little people.” If every parent could think in these terms and believe in their children in this way, the world would be close to perfect. Thanks, Wynne.

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    1. Wow, Dr. Stein. You’ve brought tears to my eyes with this comment. Thank you. And perhaps if we looked for those things in all other people, we would be better off.

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  4. I love this phrase “Strong Back, Soft Front.” I’ve never heard of it but it certainly makes so much sense and so pragmatic to help face the day and come to peace with the things that are unresolved by days end.

    How wonderful that Mr D can assert himself like that at such a young age. You’re doing great, Wynne!

    Enjoy your weekend ahead.

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      1. Ya know what’s funny, I may have commented on the post from a year ago but I clearly forgot. 😆 The pandemic memory. So thanks for the reminder!

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  5. Amen Wynne!

    Our world would do well to have more ‘strong back big people’ who haven’t outgrown the “… soft heart that gets opened over and over again by the bravery, dignity and earnestness of little people … ”

    Thanks for sharing.

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  8. It’s so much harder when we’re tired, to show that empathy, but it goes such a long way. In that instance, I’m not sure I would’ve been patient enough to sit and listen to him for a while. I probably would’ve just hauled him up and taken him to bed whether he liked it or not. Good for you. 🙂

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    1. Oh my goodness, Betsy. That is so true! You’ve just described my biggest struggle of the last 7 years – empathy when tired. Man, it’s hard.

      But I bet humor your kids to what they need to do! Lucky kids to have you as a mom!

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      1. And have you noticed how much easier it is to just get angry, maybe even yell? Yet it often doesn’t work or just upsets the child more, and then you’re upset at yourself for getting upset and making your child more upset… Vicious cycle. Patience, though so much harder, is pretty much always the way to go. Sigh.

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  9. Wynne, I once again find myself feeling like you are a channel to … whatever entity or force connects us all.

    Just this morning, I was thinking about unlikely objects some part of me has correlated with trauma the last year. Foremost among these? Framed prints of quotes from/via Brown, which prints I took off the shelf a few months back and jammed them in a hidden corner to gather dust. The one on top?

    Strong Back
    Soft Front
    Wild Heart

    Before I went on my hike this morning, I thought about throwing all this trauma-linked stuff in the trash Right Then. Instead, I locked on some positive-feeling items to anchor me, and left all the items be.

    And here I am, a few hours later, feeling … wouldn’t you know? A softening of my front.

    Thanks. ❤️

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    1. Oh, I love your description of this connection to whatever force connects us all. The Big Picture or something like that.

      So interesting that you touched that quote this morning – and then again this afternoon with your heart. What a wonderful description, Deborah.

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