“The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war.” – Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit
The other day my daughter, Miss O, came home from school upset because she had a little kerfuffle with a fellow 1st grader at school. He kicked down the wall of wood chips she and her friends were building and when she went to talk to him about it, he started talking before she could get the words out. This is the conversation she reported to me.
Miss O: “You can’t take the words out of my mouth.”
Boy: “Yes, I can.”
Miss O: “Er…I’m going to talk to my mom about this. She’s an expert on feelings. I’ll tell you what she says tomorrow.”
I’m amused by the title she’s given me. I remember reading Brain Rules for Baby by University of Washington professor John Medina when she was a baby. It said that to help our kids manage their big emotions, we had to model naming our emotions, even the less desirable ones. I clearly thought “no thank you” to that but I guess I must have made some inroads countering my own resistance and stoic modeling from my childhood.
But more than that, I find my daughter’s story to be so relatable. Communication is hard isn’t it? Especially in those tight moments when you are disappointed or angry and the words, if they come, get muddled.
Last week I was listening to a 10 Percent Happier episode titled How Not to Ruin Your Relationships with Drs John and Julie Gottman and they were talking about situations where we are overwhelmed by emotion. In that case, we are flooded and there’s no point in continuing to talk. They recommended walking away, doing something completely different until we can return to the conversation.
Which is what Miss O did. We talked through not calling any names or labeling the other person and instead just stating what she felt and needed like being able to finish her sentence. When I asked her if she’d said any of that to the boy the next day she said, “Nah, it wasn’t that big of deal.”
It reminded me – learning to talk is one thing and learning to communicate is a whole other thing. One that takes a lifetime to work on. But I’m inspired by the quote at the top of this post from Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, “The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war.”
(featured photo from Pexels)
Surprised By Joy 