“Follow the grain in your own wood.” – Howard Thurman
On a recent morning when my 6-year-old was tired at the end of her first week back to school after winter break, she ordered me to get her headphones. I stood undecided for a split-second – should I respond with the humor my dad would have used or the polite correctness my mom would have used?
It’s one of the challenges I’ve found with single parenting – not having someone represent the opposite end of the spectrum. There is no good cop/bad cop, just me, the tired and confused cop. Since I choose to have kids as a single parent, I have never part of a dichotomy in parenting. I can only imagine that it is probably both comforting and frustrating depending on how well it’s working in the moment.
We all take positions in our relationships whether we do it consciously or not. In one past relationship, I was the more active one. I’ve also been: the more cautious one, the more whimsical one, the more decisive one, the more expressive one, the more stubborn one. Which goes to show that each relationship brings out something different. In my family, I’m the younger sibling which allows my brother to be the older one.
I remember one Christmas in college when I was so frustrated with the conversation at the dinner table with my older brother because it made me feel so little and inexperienced again when I thought of myself as all grown-up. Walking into my parents’ house for a meal forced that role in the dichotomy I longed to be free of.
Now thirty years later, I don’t give it as much thought but still sometimes shake my head at my desire for my brother’s approval. There’s comfort in a dichotomy though, having a spot that makes us feel as if we don’t have to represent the full spectrum of possibilities on an issue. But when we get stuck in dichotomies, refusing the budge from our positions, as I’ve experienced not only in relationships but in our world, it can make talking feel futile. Then it takes whatever outside perspective we can access like therapy, spirituality, curiosity, to shift the dynamic before it gets toxic.
I think back to all the times in life that I’ve been single, and I see they have always forced me to do the work of discovering what I truly like and who I truly want to be. As Walt Whitman said, I contain multitudes and relating to others often brings out a facet that is appropriate for that interaction. Being alone forces an integration of my opinions and interests into what I’ve come to know as me. Dichotomies only work when there’s an opposing position to push against.
Which brings me back to single parenting. Not being able to rest in a dichotomy between the authoritative one vs the permissive one or the educator vs the voice of acceptance, I’ve had to uncover a lot of flexibility within myself. I’ve had to find out what kind of parent I am. It’s healed a lot of my internal unwillingness to see the other side. I can’t know what my next relationship will be but I do know that this awareness will help bring some humor and appreciation to the roles I may play.
So I responded to my daughter with a mix of my mom and dad. Bowing comically I said, “Here are your headphones, my highness. The only condition of my servitude is a please and thank you.”
(featured photo from pexels)
Surprised By Joy 