now – Surprised By Joy

Today

March 17, 2022Posted in meditationTagged family, inspiration, meditation, now, parenting, today32 Comments

“When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” – Buddha

Potty training is really getting my goat. A month in and we mostly have successes but the failures are memorable! It’s unpredictable, impossible for me to control (which seems to be most of the battle) and creates a lot of laundry.

I catch myself thinking, “Pretty soon we are going to be through this and then life will be great.”

Which I think will be true. Especially if I remember how to savor today.

Because I think is how we wish our lives away and as a parent, how I could wish my kids’ childhood away. Waiting for the thing we don’t like to stop and THEN we’ll be good. Or waiting to lose 10 pounds, reach a milestone or be better at meditating – anything I reflexively put between myself and my experience.

Returning to today – we still laugh and learn every day, and I still love my kids to pieces every day. Yep, every time I leave, I just need to come back from my visit to the future and love today. And also I need to buy more laundry detergent.

The Ups and the Downs

July 8, 2021July 8, 2021Posted in meditation, ParenthoodTagged balance, inspiration, meditation, now, parenting2 Comments

“To lose balance, sometimes, for love, is part of living a balanced life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

On Monday my son had a terrible day, he was still not feeling well from a bug he picked up at the beach. But my daughter had a fantastic day going to a camp hosted by her teacher from last year laughing and playing with all the classmates that she didn’t get enough time together in-person with this school year. I felt like I usually do, a fulcrum, trying to balance between the two or more often, being tipped to the side of the lowest mood. As I wondered to myself how to harden my heart so as not to be influenced by the state of my loved ones, I laughed out loud at my query. Harden my heart?

My perception is that when I’m alone, I float along pretty evenly in a mostly happy state. Even if that isn’t an accurate reflection of life alone, a time I can barely remember being that it’s been almost six years since that’s been the case, life without any ups and downs had no markers by which I can tag one way or the other. Going along evenly means I can’t really recall anything momentous. But now, with the ups and downs of my kids affecting me deeply, I am so grateful for an easy and happy hour. I also remember them –like the morning this week when we were all on my bed and the kids taking turns falling over, bouncing so hard on the mattress that they popped almost halfway back up and laughing at each other. The tumult of this time with my little family all riding the waves in one boat means that I’m constantly being drawn back to this moment and the feeling of now.

When I sit on my cushion and try to meditate, the practice is to continually bring myself back to the current moment, to bring awareness to now, to stop the mind from perseverating on the constant lists of what else to do and where else to be. Over and over I do this and then try to lean into whatever I’m feeling, good or bad until those distinctions melt away. The practice deepens the awareness of what I’m experiencing right now but loosens the attachments that I place on whether I like it or not. In some ways, parenting is calling me to do the same practice. Show up in this moment, lean in to whatever the feeling is and let go of any judgment of whether I like it or not. In other words, my kids are making me a spiritual guru!

But I still daydream of the easy days when it was just me and my dog bouncing along on that every-present golden retriever enthusiasm. Even then I remember the racking grief that came at the end of his beautiful life. There are no ups without downs. I’m not going to harden my heart because that means missing the ups. It’s a messy life now but I love it.

Hoarding

May 26, 2021May 26, 2021Posted in meditationTagged confidence, disconnection, faith, hoarding, meditation, now, parenting, preparation, saving2 Comments

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.” – Erma Bombeck

Once I heard a riff that comedian Paula Poundstone did about buying fruit. She said she never risked it because it was so unpredictable. “What am I going to do, wake my kids up in the middle of the night because the cantaloupe is finally ripe?”

Cracks me up – probably because I resemble that story. I buy the fruit but then I like to just keep it on hand because then I can feel like I have an adequate supply of fresh fruit. Way too often I cut open the watermelon and realize that I “saved” it too long. Good grief! And it’s not just fruit I do it with. I’ll think of a great idea to write about, something that really represents something meaningful in my life — and then not write about it because I’m saving it. I know, dear reader, that you are asking “saving it for what?” Exactly, right! Who knows? With all due respect to proper planning and being prudent, sometimes my type of saving can be the enemy of now!

When I dig deep, I realize that I’m working towards some false sense of safety. If I have things on hand, whether they be fruit or ideas, then maybe, just maybe I can feel that I have enough, that I am enough. The flip side of this isn’t emptiness, it’s lack of faith. I want to have a great idea in my back pocket because just in case I’m called upon, I won’t be without something great to say.

I’ve cut open enough fruit past its prime to start understanding this basic truth of my life. If I’m ever called upon, it will be for an occasion for which I destined for. I’m not arguing the theology of predestination but just generally speaking about the paths that are lives take and while they seem like such a surprise to us, when looking back there is a crazy, logical narrative that can’t be an accident. So, if I’m called upon, I must have faith that what I’ve done leading up to that moment is all the preparation I need.

Often when I feel disconnected from life, it’s when I’m hoarding. I’m safely to the side, practicing for when life calls on me. And whenever I clue in and return to this moment, the one I’m starring in right now, I think of Paula Poundstone and then go get some fruit from the pantry and celebrate with the thunk of the knife announcing the moment at hand.