Category: humor

Sunday Funnies: August 13

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 7/3/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

You might be from the Northwest if you…

Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans in the trash.

Use the expression “sun break” and know what it means.

Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “walk” signal.

Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.

In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark – while only working 8-hours days.

Obey all traffic laws except “Keep right except to pass.”

Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”

Have not concept of humidity without precipitation.

Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can’t see through the cloud cover.

Sunday Funnies: August 6

Posted in humor, UncategorizedTagged , 23 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 6/26/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Perspective

A father and son in a huge rig were plowing their large acreage. At the end of a long hot day they came to the last run, alongside the highway. At the end the corner was too sharp to turn without spoiling part of what they’d done, so they opened the gate onto the highway and figured they would turn their 40 foot rig around there.

About the time they were in the middle of the highway, a small racy sports car came up over the hill at about 90 miles an hour. The driver panicked when he saw this huge 40 foot rig across the road in front of him and thought for sure it was the end, until, just before he ploughed into them, he saw the open gate into the field. So he spun off the highway, jumped a ditch, zigged and zagged across the soft dirt and then smashed into a tree.

The father turned to the son after watching this whole scene and said, “Whew, we got out of that field just in time!”

Sunday Funnies: July 30

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 6/19/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Kids Church Humor

Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school’s theme focuses on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: “Guess what, Mommy? We made unleaded bread!”

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was “Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth.” His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her all about “Jesus and the 12 recycles.”

Sunday Funnies: July 23

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 6/12/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Be Careful When You Send E-mail

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but, due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had gone to his reward only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband,

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Sunday Funnies: July 16

Posted in humorTagged , 39 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 6/6/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Kids Church Humor

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.‘ ”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said “Ryan, you be Jesus!“

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The boy thought and moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

Sunday Funnies: July 9

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 5/22/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

PRAYER HUMOR

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer “Dear Harold.” At this, Dad interrupted and said, “Wait a minute, how come you called God ‘Harold'”? The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold by Thy Name.”

.And this particular four-year-old prayer: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

.One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on the way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

Sunday Funnies: July 2

Posted in humorTagged 38 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 5/15/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a terrible experience.”

Sunday Funnies: June 25

Posted in humorTagged , 45 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 5/8/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

What a Comeback!

Some parents are taking their son home from church after his baptism and notice he’s sad. They ask him why. He answers, “They told me I should be raised in a Christian family but I want to stay with you guys.”

.A boy calls a girl that he’s dated and gets her answering message, “I am working on some big changes in my life. If you don’t get a call back, you are one of them.” (from Erma Bombeck’s Rules for Life)

.It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the “the children’s sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her. “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Sunday Funnies: June 18

Posted in humorTagged , 32 Comments

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 5/1/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Kids on Music from Music Magazine

The following are actual quotes from grade school essays on classical music:

  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
  • Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • Refrain – what you refrain from singing.

Sunday Funnies: June 11

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 4/24/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

God in Advertising

A Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included these messages from God:

  1. Let’s Meet at My House Sunday before the Game – God
  2. What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand? – God
  3. We Need to Talk – God
  4. Will the Road You’re on Get You to My Place? – God
  5. That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It – God
  6. Follow Me – God
  7. Tell the Kids I Love Them – God
  8. My Way is the Highway – God
  9. Need Directions? – God
  10. You Think It’s Hot Here? – God
  11. C’mon Over and Bring the Kids – God
  12. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will be a Test – God