Category: humor

Sunday Funnies: June 19

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Kids Church Humor

Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school’s theme focuses on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: “Guess what, Mommy? We made unleaded bread!”

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was “Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth.” His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her all about “Jesus and the 12 recycles.”

Sunday Funnies: June 12

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Be Careful When You Send E-mail

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but, due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had gone to his reward only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband,

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Sunday Funnies: June 6

Posted in humorTagged , 27 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Kids Church Humor

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’ ” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought and moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

Sunday Funnies: May 29

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

PRAYER HUMOR

During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and then after church asked, “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?” Gary answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle and He just then did!”

One night Mike’s parents overheard this prayer: “Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow’s test. If I die before I wake, that’s one less test I have to take.”

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes…” When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if He was paying attention tonight.”

These were a continuation of the kid’s prayers from last week’s post, linked here in case you missed them. 🙂

Sunday Funnies: May 22

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

PRAYER HUMOR

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer “Dear Harold.” At this, Dad interrupted and said, “Wait a minute, how come you called God ‘Harold'”? The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold by Thy Name.”

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And this particular four-year-old prayer: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

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One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on the way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

Sunday Funnies: May 8

Posted in humorTagged , 38 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

What a Comeback!

Some parents are taking their son home from church after his baptism and notice he’s sad. They ask him why. He answers, “They told me I should be raised in a Christian family but I want to stay with you guys.”

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A boy calls a girl that he’s dated and gets her answering message, “I am working on some big changes in my life. If you don’t get a call back, you are one of them.” (from Erma Bombeck’s Rules for Life)

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It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the “the children’s sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her. “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Sunday Funnies: May 1

Posted in humorTagged , 19 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Kids on Music from Music Magazine

The following are actual quotes from grade school essays on classical music:

  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
  • Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • Refrain – what you refrain from singing.

Sunday Funnies: April 24

Posted in humorTagged 23 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

God in Advertising

A Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included these messages from God:

  1. Let’s Meet at My House Sunday before the Game – God
  2. What part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand? – God
  3. We Need to Talk – God
  4. Will the Road You’re on Get You to My Place? – God
  5. That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It – God
  6. Follow Me – God
  7. Tell the Kids I Love Them – God
  8. My Way is the Highway – God
  9. Need Directions? – God
  10. You Think It’s Hot Here? – God
  11. C’mon Over and Bring the Kids – God
  12. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will be a Test – God

Sunday Funnies: April 17

Posted in humorTagged 21 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Thoughts for Pondering

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the question.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

And my own addition to my dad’s list of things to ponder:

When everyone moves to Bitcoin, what will we throw in wishing wells?

Sunday Funnies: April 10

Posted in humorTagged , 12 Comments

Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

PARABLES

DIFFICULTIES – When they first manufactured golf balls, they made the covers smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball and been roughed up one could get more distance out of it. So they started manufacturing them with dimpled covers. So it is with life; it takes some rough spots in your life to make you go your farthest.

APRIL FOOLS – One April Fool’s Day, as Phillips Brooks was walking along Boylston St., Boston, he saw a little fellow trying in vain to reach a door bell. Brooks walked up the steps saying, “Let me help you, my little man!” He pulled the knob; the boy scampered down the steps saying, “Now run like the devil!”

Source: Parables, Volume 4, No. 1, March 1984