Figuring Out Feelings

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“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” – Rumi

There’s nothing like watching a kid trying to figure out what they’re feeling to remind me how hard it is to name what’s wrong.

We traveled this weekend to San Francisco for a family party. Tons of fun! Also lots of people to coordinate with. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how traveling can decrease the easy access to food, increase how far we need to walk, and obliterate the routine. All in the name of doing fantastic things, of course, but a little disorienting nonetheless.

At one point on Friday afternoon, we walked to the Lucas Films office building to see the Star Wars memorabilia on display. They had the R2D2 in the lobby as well as the original Darth Vader costume. And tucked in glass shelving, they had Han Solo’s light saber and some other guns from the movie.

Yeah, you don’t even need to be a huge Star Wars buff to think that was cool!

We walked out of there and my son was upset. He wasn’t crying or saying anything but he parked himself on a wall a half dozen steps from the door and wouldn’t move. When I finally got him to talk, he said, “It’s not fair that they get to have those guns when I want one.”

Hmm… I didn’t think that was the root of it. Granted I’m not a five-year-old boy, but the guns didn’t seem amazing enough to spark a protest.

After some minutes of silent protest with his sister and me at his side and our family patiently waiting about 50 feet away, he finally could be persuaded to walk around the corner to a Starbucks. At least that was a little slice of familiar territory.

Even so, it probably was another ten minutes before he ate and drank enough to come back to himself. He still wanted a Star Wars original light saber but he could move on.

It made me wonder how many times I’ve hit the wall, mistaken the source of my depletion, and tried to climb the wrong tree to get over it. More times than there are Star Wars movies, for sure!

Being human is hard. Borrowing social psychologist Jonathan Haidt’s metaphor for the body (elephant) and the mind (rider) — the elephant stops moving and the rider, thinking it’s in charge, finds the best story why, but not necessarily the most accurate. And then we can find ourselves wanting to shoot our way into the Lucas Films lobby to steal priceless memorabilia when all we really need is a snack.

May the Force (of stopping long enough to get to the bottom of our angst) be with you.

(featured photo is mine)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I host the How to Share podcast, a podcast about how to share anything – to the appropriate audience, with the right permissions, at the most opportune time.

I also co-host the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, an author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson.

75 thoughts on “Figuring Out Feelings”

  1. Did this bring back memories. We took our then 5 year old grandson to the Vancouver Aquarium. It may not be “The Happiest Place of earth” but it’s pretty close. He got to pet a beluga and watch adorable otters play. It was a great day, but as were were about to leave he threw a hissy fit. His hot and tired parents just threw up their hands in despair. We never did find out what he was upset about. We had just paid our mortgage payment for an on site lunch that would have been 1/3 of the cost had we gone somewhere else or almost free had we gone home. So he wasn’t hungry. Hubby and I talked him down, while his parents pretended they didn’t know who he was. I think it was a funny little squirrel playing near us that calmed him down eventually. Being human is hard. He’s 30 now, I hope he’s dealing with his angst a bit better.

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    1. I love this story, Darlene! Distraction works so well, doesn’t it? And the prices of food at those places are out of this world, aren’t they? I’m sure your grandson is handling things marvelously.

      But I’m still surprised when I’m irritated by something and it takes me a couple of days that it wasn’t the sun in my eyes or my ill-fitting shirt – it was that I was still feeling the sadness over the death of a friend. It’s still hard to figure out at my age!

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  3. Spot on, Wynne. It can be useful to recognize when our mood has changed and the trace back the events of the day to discover when those feelings changed and what caused it. One can then deal with the injury.

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    1. Oh, what a helpful idea to find the “when.” I think Mr D was hot because we’d walked in from the windy SF day into a overly warm exhibit area. But maybe that was just me.

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  4. Great story with a good moral. Glad you took the time to let him figure it out rather than dismiss the situation. May the Force (of stopping long enough to get to the bottom of our angst) be with you, too!

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    1. Thank you, Ally! I’ve learned not to insist we move on too quickly. It rarely helps and the “urgency” I feel is my own feeling to overcome. This would have been a great post for May 4th. 🙂

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  5. It really is interesting to contemplate the mystery of the root cause of many upsets. Tiredness and being overwhelmed undoubtedly play a role, but, whatever the trigger, we humans can be difficult to understand, even to ourselves!

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  7. Great story and so applicable. It’s hard being five, or sixty-three, or even newly minted fifty-six. It sounds like you had a wonderful trip and great visit to the Lucas Museum and seeing all of the Star Wars stuff. Very cool, especially for Mr. D and Miss O, though probably more of Mr. D. Sometimes you just have to stop or slow down and collect yourself before you can move forward. This is a lesson I NEED to learn BEFORE I leave on my trip because I know there are going to be a few things I want, but can’t have. Take care and enjoy your week. Peace.

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    1. Oh, you said it perfectly, Clay. “Sometimes you just have to stop or slow down and collect yourself before you can move forward. ” — Exactly!! How many times have I ignored that good advice! Hope you have a great week getting ready for your trip, my friend!

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  9. So often we are left frustrated with not understanding the what that is driving their behaviour. Kudos to you for stopping and waiting and letting him come out and say what it was..

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  11. Wynne this post is spot on.
    Your wee boy is lucky to have a mum with patience.
    There is always a root cause to our angst .
    And when that root is deep, it takes a lot of work to loosen 🙄
    Have a good week my friend

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  14. Being human is so hard … and being the caregiver of a tiny human with big emotions is even harder. Sounds like the force is strong within you, Wynne, to know the reason behind the symptoms of Mr D’s behaviour.

    Your SF trip looks just so fun and exciting, as I’m sure also tiring. Hope you all continue to have an amazing time. What a great way to kick off summer!

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    1. Big emotions – exactly! Yes, it was good but tiring. We were happy to sleep in our own beds last night!

      Four more days for you all and you’ll be kicking off summer too! I hope you have a great week, my friend!

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  16. Feelings are tough! I’m laughing at how he conflated his feeling tired with feeling disappointed about not being able to own the light sabre… many grown men feel the same way too no doubt! Easier to point at something external than to admit fatigue!

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  17. Oh, how fun! This explains the Yoda photo in your previous post. I was thinking to myself, I don’t remember Seattle being a hotbed of Star Wars memorabilia. Coffee mermaids, yes. Wookies, not so much. Looks like a great trip, even if Mr. D didn’t get to bring a lightsaber home.

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    1. You’re right – we aren’t hotbed of Wookies. At least as far as I know. 🙂 It was a fun trip – so quick from Seattle to San Fran and even quicker when you don’t have to get a lightsaber through security. 🙂 Hope you have a great week!

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  19. So many valuable lessons in this post, including resilience, misunderstanding someone’s feelings, redirecting, and finding a way to get out of a funk. This, of course, is not limited to children.

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  20. great example, because this happens at any age, and it can be a real challenge to figure out what the real issue is and why we are feeling or acting the way we are.this seems like such a good lesson for your son and so good that you were able to give him the time he needed and help him to find his way through it. good life practice .

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  21. Oh, a real original Star Wars light saber!!!! Oh, I want one too Wynne. Can I? Can I? Can I have one? Ha, ha. I love how you’ve described this challenge. When my kids were little, they got sick of me constantly saying “use your words” to describe what they were feeling. It’s a kid problem . . . but it’s really an Adult problem too. I know I’m not always great about explaining what I feel either. Words always seem to help. Hope the rest of the trip went great.

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    1. Okay – how about you and Mr. D plan the heist? You can take Darth Vader’s light saber and he can talk Luke Skywalker’s!

      “use your words” – such a good one. I needed to say that more often! You are so right this is an adult problem too! Thanks for the great comment, Brian!

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  23. So
    Glad you had such a great time Wynne but so sad to miss you! Actually, my girls had a light saber and don’t ask but there is something truly magical to move 34-40 years still find the magic and won’t part with it! Next trip you have to visit me or maybe not u less I can send him home with one. 😜🩷

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    1. You are so right about the magic, Cindy! Next trip we do have to visit you — I thought of you many times as we were racing from one thing to the next! Hoping for more relaxing visits to SF in the future!

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  24. It’s so easy to forget that Mr. D’s still a little hatchling…finding his wings. He’s such a smart, inquisitive, accomplished little dude but he’s still “becoming”. Big hugs all around! 🥰❤️🥰

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  25. I have been thinking about this very issue today. I had a rather stressful afternoon at work, so ate a whole family packet of crisps which only helped in the short-term. I need a better way of identifying what my mind, body and spirit really need and how to provide it, because this wasn’t the healthiest choice for me.

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    1. This is such a good example — that’s exactly how it shows up for me as well! It’s so hard for me to take the time to slow down and sit until I figure out before I eat 6 cookies! Every time I work through this with my kids, I wish the same wisdom for myself – now I just need to incorporate it. Thanks for the great comment!

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  26. You have such a great way of analyzing and putting things in perspective. You’re giving your kids (and us) healthy insights for dealing with the world. It’s not easy. Just the other day I was walking around Home Depot “think shopping” with multiple projects in mind. I was trying to get an overall sense of the scope, cost, time, and resources for every project that we needed to do in a short timespan. I wasn’t buying anything, just scouting, taking notes, and snapping pictures. I had a sudden crushing feeling that I had to stop in my tracks and get home immediately, something was wrong. Once home, I took time to relax and, instead of becoming sick as I feared, I started feeling better, well enough to get some work done. It seemed like nothing was really wrong with me, I had just had a weird blip in the day. Not until I read this piece did I think back about that afternoon to consider what had really happened. I realize now that I was getting overwhelmed with the thought of impending DIY home repairs and upgrades that I felt unequipped and ill-informed to tackle. It was just too much to process. But, instead of recognizing that in the store, I thought I was ill. I had “mistaken the source of my depletion.” Thanks for helping me figure that out.

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    1. Wow – that’s soooo interesting, Gwen. Fascinating, isn’t it? Your body felt the overwhelm and your mind got you out of there even with the wrong story. Kinda amazing that it happens, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing that one. And good luck with your DIY projects!

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  27. Thank you for sharing Jonathan Haidt’s metaphor. I had never heard that and I love this: “… and tried to climb the wrong tree to get over it.” Thank you for sharing. 😎

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  28. Great lesson, Wynne. Taking a short break before getting totally frustrated, maybe even having a little snack to regain some strength before reengaging with the obstacle. Excellent!

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  29. I felt right with you and your family and just so love your calm response to the unexpected not quite meltdown. So kind and loving to just take time and quietly show support when things get “overly…” in any way. Sweet!

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  30. Oh, Wynne, you were only a half hour away from me! It would be so nice to meet up someday! The photo of the bridge is iconic and I have millions even if it’s ‘in my backyard.’ Cheers to Star Wars – there’s something intriguing about the lightsabers. 🙂 Being human is hard, and tuning into your kids’ feelings can be challenging too. You’re a great mom, and your kids are lucky to have you! 💞

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    1. Only a half hour?! That’s so funny. We love the SF area and we need to spend a few more days at a more leisurely pace there. It would be so fun to meet you.

      I love that you have so many bridge pictures – it’s so beautiful! We were lucky not to have fog while we were there.

      Here’s to meeting up next time!! Thanks for the great comment, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      2. We were staying at the Presidio so we walked down past the parade ground, across tunnel top park and then played at that playground before renting bikes to ride along the waterfront. So incredible! We didn’t have time for the Walt Disney museum but I saw it. Such great suggestions!

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  31. Yes! With my children it was either crabby because tired, or crabby because hungry. When it’s hungry, it’s so much easier to fix, and I have a feeling, with boys, it’s most often hunger. 🙂

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