Vulnerability

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“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami

This post was previously published on 2/2/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

The other day my friend, Doug called when I was working on a blog post. When I responded to his question to tell him what I was doing, he said, “Oh, that’s awesome. Send me the link to that blog.”

I did and then….<nothing.>

Did he not like my latest post? Did he not like any post? Maybe he didn’t read it? But he asked for it? <Gulp>

Vulnerability is hard.

When I applied to be a writer for the Pointless Overthinking blog (now Wise & Shine), I didn’t tell anyone in my in-person life. I was excited that I might have the opportunity to be a writer for a shared blog but telling someone seemed too scary — I didn’t have the guts to admit it out loud.

Six weeks went by. Because it was well within the window of expected response, I didn’t think about it much one way or the other.

Then from deep inside, my courage to follow-up won over the vulnerability of confessing that it mattered. I sent a follow-up email pointing out how well I can pointlessly overthink. And I got a response within the day.

This internal struggle reminds me how much I’ve learned about vulnerability in recent years, primarily from Dr. Brené Brown’s research. She defines vulnerability as “the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” It is where we go when things matter and yet they are out of our control. Which I believe is the heart of life.

But she has researched extensively the connection between vulnerability and courage.  “In my most recent research on courage and leadership, the ability to embrace vulnerability emerged as the prerequisite for all of the daring leadership behavior.” Or said more succinctly in one of her most oft repeated quotes, “I believe that we have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage.”

Whether it is leadership, creativity or intimacy, we have to risk emotional exposure in order to show up. If something matters, it will hurt if not met with success, acclaim or acceptance. But I’ve learned that showing up always results in SOMETHING that keeps moving me forward on my journey. I’ll never be able to say that I don’t consider what the potential audience might think as I write this – but I get closer to knowing what it is that I think of my effort.

And what about what my friend Doug thinks? Something I read in a book published by blogger, Julia Preston’s “Voices: Who’s In Charge of the Committee In My Head?” about her life and blogging experience gave me insight into the reactions, or lack thereof, of my non-blogging friend.

“One of the most valuable lessons that I ever learned about vulnerability is that the more willing I am to tell the truth about myself to a trusted listener – someone who will not judge me for whatever heinous crime that I believe I may have committed, the more of me there is to love. The more others trust me enough to share from within the depths of their being, the more that I realize that we’re all struggling with the same human foibles.”

Voices: Who’s in Charge of the Committee In My Head? by Julia Preston

My mountain climbing friend and former IT work colleague, Doug, isn’t a blogger or writing in any format that I know of to share his authentic life. If I took up knitting, I certainly wouldn’t expect any insightful commentary from him on that pursuit. So why do I expect it about writing?

Because to speak to anyone else, writing has to be vulnerable and authentic. Sometimes opening that vein to pour onto the page takes a lot of guts but it’s the only way to reach to others who are willing to walk through vulnerability to get to courage.

I’ve written a related post on the Wise & Shine blog inspired by Miss O’s 3rd grade teacher about the reader’s experience: Writing Windows and Mirrors

(featured photo from Pexels and featured quote from Mitch Teemley: Be Humble. Or Be Humbled )

47 thoughts on “Vulnerability”

  1. What a nice surprise to find myself quoted in your blog, Wynne. Thank you so much for the mention! I heartily agree with Brené Brown’s comment, “I believe that we have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage.” The beauty of that statement awaits us when we make it to the other side. Cheers to your courage and vulnerability dear Wynne! You are an inspiration!

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  2. If we expand your thoughts just a bit, Wynne, there is something additional worth saying. That the nature of the life we have is punishing because our nature is vulnerable, but that the only way to obtain the best that life offers is to learn what we can about the mistakes we make and the challenges we face, the better to find what gives us joy in contact with others. To give up on people and hide ourselves guarantees the unhappiness we hope to avoid because it allows only a joyless existence.

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    1. Ah, what a wonderful way to extend the thought. It reminds me of something else that Brene Brown says – that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in others but the last thing that I want to show. As you said, it’s way to obtain the best that life offers. So good, Dr. Stein!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “One of the most valuable lessons that I ever learned about vulnerability is that the more willing I am to tell the truth about myself to a trusted listener – someone who will not judge me for whatever heinous crime that I believe I may have committed, the more of me there is to love. The more others trust me enough to share from within the depths of their being, the more that I realize that we’re all struggling with the same human foibles.” . . . the soul healing truth found with a precious trusted confidant in coming out from behind the false self in life’s charade we strive to maintain to win the approval of others who are dealing with their own hidden struggles . . . “Nothing is as freeing as a confessed sin. Nothing is as isolating as a guilty secret.” – Mark Batterson
    Thanks Wynne

    Liked by 4 people

    1. “out from behind the false self in life’s charade” – that is so good, Fred! Thank you for your beautiful willingness to be real and vulnerable!

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  8. Walking through vulnerability to get to courage. I love that…the reminder to keep moving, no matter the pace and if we’re lucky, we find kindred souls on the path, filling us up, reminding us we’re never really alone if we open up and take that big leap to build trust. xo to you! 🥰

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  9. I would wonder too why Doug didn’t comment on your post. I had a long phone conversation with a friend from my kids’ school days. I told her about my blog and promised to send her a link. But I haven’t. I think it’s the vulnerability issue.

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    1. Oh, that’s interesting about you not sending the link. If it was me, it would definitely be because of vulnerability. Funny thing about Doug was that he had read it – and then this vulnerability post when I published it. He liked both but hadn’t commented because he wasn’t a WP member. So he called me and we had a good laugh! 🙂

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  10. I have found it best to figure out who I can and who I cannot be vulnerable with, for not everyone will be kind or supportive, and some can be downright harsh. Vulnerability is an act of trust we extend to others, and if they have shown us to be incapable of handling it in a way WE need, then it is best for our mental health to keep the boundaries in place.

    When vulnerability is shared and supported on both sides, it definitely can lead to more open and meaningful relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I learned that lesson the hard way years ago when people would use information I revealed against me, but they had pretended to be sympathetic.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh I remember this post when you originally ran it and it still speaks to me now. The vulnerability flows to the surface when you describe sharing your blog. I would’ve gone crazy waiting for Doug to respond. The way you set the story up reminds me of the Julia Roberts scene in Notting Hill. Your scene wasn’t romantic in any way, but it still speaks to vulnerability and sharing. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to. love her.” If your blog was the movie, it would go “I’m just a girl standing in front of a reader, asking them to know what they thought!” Ha ha, love it Wynne!

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    1. Oh, I love this adaptation from Notting Hill. Right! Because the worst part is crickets!! Funny thing was that Doug had read it — and the vulnerability post but hadn’t commented he wasn’t a WP member. He called me and we had a good laugh!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yup, the “crickets” part is the worse. And you’re right about the WP membership thing. I’ve had that happen a couple of times. I’ll send my post to someone and they haven’t wanted to sign up but have feedback all the same, I just had to ask again. Ugh. Ha ha ha.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. You know, I hesitated about posting my passport picture today, it’s horrible, but I thought oh well, maybe someone else has taken a back passport picture too and can relate. I’ve been fielding one hysterical comment after the other. Apparently everyone hates their passport pictures. My daughter wrote me a note asking if I was arrested because she thought it looked like a mug shot! Bahaha. But the point being, vulnerability is relatable, and it draws out everyone’s authenticity. That’s how we grow damn it. Hugs, C

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So, so, good, Cheryl! Vulnerability is relatable. Yes, yes, yes! And that’s how we Grow Damn It!!! I love it. And yes, my kids and I just took new passport pictures and they are awful for all three of us. The guy had us put our hair behind our ears, said we couldn’t smile and generally sucked out the joy before snapping the pic. Yep, so relatable! Love to you!

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  13. I love this! Sending your friend Doug your piece and hearing nothing back reminds me of sharing some of my blog pieces with my LA Times staff writer cousin, after a long and heartfelt conversation a few years back, and getting crickets. Nothing. (But I know him well enough to not take it personally). I spent much of my life unable to be vulnerable, and truly only becoming much more open after experiencing healing. I admire it when people walk through fear and come out stronger on the other side.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I so relate to this! But what I love most about your comment is the openness that you express post healing. You are affirming that when we start moving toward wholeness that we become more able to be vulnerable, not less. Beautiful!!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Vulnerability is indeed hard but it really does uplift not just your own writing but its impact on others, sometimes in ways that inspire and compel them to action. Keep being open and you, Wynne! 😊🙏

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Ohhh, I am reading this post and I am so grateful for you writing about exactly this topic.
    Because that is my state of being after my return to Norway from my walk.

    «If something matters, it will hurt if not met with success, acclaim or acceptance. But I’ve learned that showing up always results in SOMETHING that keeps moving me forward on my journey.» Love this🌺
    I have experienced that living authentically goes hand in hand with not knowing.
    This makes one very vulnerable, It costs in the form of courage, risk-taking and having faith and trust. Not always easy in our mundane lives. Thanks for this post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, Parisa, I love how you tie living authentically with uncertainty. That’s so good. And you’re right – not always easy but definitely worth it! Thanks for the great comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I really like this, Wynne. I know that feeling of hesitancy, when I don’t want to put myself out there because I don’t know what reactions there will be. Not just in writing, but in many aspects of life. I do remember when I first started writing my blog, I saw a friend face-to-face, and he said, “Oh! I read your blog!” And I said, “Thanks for reading it!”, and waited expectantly for him to say more. But he didn’t. Complete silence. We just stood there looking at each other, until I finally caved and said, “Ok, bye.” I started to realize that I needed to do some things for my own satisfaction and growth, not for validation from others.

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  22. Fantastic blog post Wynne. Indeed we are all vulnerable when we show our weaknesses and we all have seasons of weaknesses.

    This blog post is quite detailed and I pray that whoever you open up to, has your best interest at heart and sees your vulnerability and not take advantage of it🙏

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