Caring Less Without Being Careless

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“Be teachable. Be open. You’re not always right.” – unknown

This was originally published on 11/2/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

When American actor James Caan died in July of this year, I heard that his least favorite words were “I don’t care.”

Obviously, I can’t ask him to elaborate on that. But if I’m trying to take his point, I’m guessing he was aiming for “I don’t care” – as in, it is of no consequence to me. I don’t care – as in, it will fail to penetrate my reality one way or the other. I don’t care – as in, it or you are not worth getting worked up about.

But sometimes I think we take caring too far. As if we should have an opinion about everything from what kind of brands are okay to wear, the exact specifications for the type of liquor we’ll drink and whether we can only shop at boutique and artsy stores.

When I’ve mistakenly worn my opinions as some armor of sophistication, I’ve found that it’s closed me off from life. It becomes a barrier between me and experience so that I have to surmount my own expectations before I can taste curiosity.

My dad had a mantra that he used for golf, “You need to care less without being careless.” And I think it works for more than just that silly sport (sorry golf lovers). It speaks to a balance that we can create between being involved in the world without gripping too tight.

We can have opinions, beliefs and wisdom while still holding space for not knowing. It means that sometimes we can embrace our lack of control and be entirely open to what comes next. And it suggests that we can maintain a curiosity even when we think we are right.

There is one more way that I believe caring can get in our way, especially when trying to find our authentic voice. We can care too much about the opinion of others, especially in our social media age. And then what we say and what we write becomes performative instead of real. This brings to mind a quote from Mark Nepo, one of my favorite poets:

This is at once the clearest of spiritual intents and yet the hardest to stay true to: how to stay open to what others feel and not what they think.

The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo

So, I applaud James Caan for having a phrase that he said often enough to make it repeatable. But I have to admit, I don’t care for it.

I written about some of the ways we use language on the Wise & Shine blog today: Use Your Words

(featured photo from Pexels)

29 thoughts on “Caring Less Without Being Careless”

  1. I love this post, Wynne. And your dad as always is full of wonderful wisdom. I agree that we spend so much time caring about what others think or getting everything right or our way, that it limits us from learning, connecting and growing. And it’s frankly, very exhausting.

    I agree that we can careless without being careless. It ultimately saves us so much energy and stress – and feels liberating!

    Wishing you all a Happy Wednesday. We’re halfway to the weekend!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. An important topic, Wynne. As you’ve suggested, it can be taken in different ways. One is not to live or die based on another’s opinion of you. To listen and be open, without seeing the peopled world as an ever-present danger to your self-image. To do so makes hiding out the only alternative and leaves you believing that isolation is preferable to looking for friendship and love.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. “So, I applaud James Caan for having a phrase that he said often enough to make it repeatable. But I have to admit, I don’t care for it.” . . . I hear you Wynne😃

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this post, which resonates with/enhances my understanding of a so-important conversation I had last night. This piece especially was a *mind-blown-emoji*: “:how to stay open to what others feel and not what they think.” These are the exact words I needed to find the signal–thank you!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Bravo to your father for coining such a resonant phrase. I think so often life would feel better (vs thinking it feels better) if we didn’t care so much about everything little thing, remember though some things we need to care for dearly.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yep, yep, yep. On an endless loop, I know of a few folks…present company included 😉 who can always benefit from the repetition and reminder to worry less about others and their thoughts. A trap you sometimes can’t get out of.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Oh, I love this post, Wynne! The idea of being receptive to others but not letting it impact us too heavily is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned. People-pleasing is often, at least in my personal experience, a subtle form of self-harm. Finding that place where we can listen but not care is so empowering.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a great summary you’ve provided – receptive but with limited impact. That’s so good, Erin! And yes, it seems to be something we have to learn with life! Thanks for the great comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I need to come back to this post. I think a related element to what you’re saying is the ability to hold a paradox or two opposite truths in hand. We’ve seemed to have lost that ability. As you mention, we bloggers walk a fine line. We care about our readers, but in the end, we need to be authentic to who we are. One person may view that as impossible, but I view it as very much a part of the job. Thanks for gettin me thinking Wynne.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I know I woulda liked your dad! And I’m with you about golf being a silly sport!

    It is definitely possible to care too much, in a way that is anything but careful.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Your dad was definitely on to something! Too many people seem to care too much about being right even when proven wrong, it becomes a matter of pride, and I think we know what your dad would have said about pride.

    Like

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