Leaning In To Answers

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“I’ll choose honesty over perfection every single time.” – unknown

“Have you been faithful to me?” was the question I asked that essentially ended my marriage. It took three years for us to be completely done but that question was a dividing point. Not a particular brave one because I already knew the answer (my business partner had told me), but it was a conversation starter for sure.

But what it divides is more than just my marital status. In the aftermath of my divorce, what I’ve learned is to be able to ask questions, even ones that might change the status quo of a relationship.

  • Do you still want to do this?
  • Is this a meaningful job for you?
  • Does this make sense?
  • This way we have of talking doesn’t meet my needs. Can we do better?

As I was healing from my divorce, I was introduced to the Buddhist nun, Pema Chӧdrӧn’s writings about leaning in. Those words, leaning in, became one of the defining points between before the question and after the question. I learned that I can ask the tough questions and survive. Moreover, I learned the wisdom that the answer exists, whether I want to know or not. So I might as well lean in.

This whole practice has removed a patina of fear from my life. It doesn’t make asking big questions any easier since I’m a conflict-averse, people-pleaser. But does make me less fearful of doing so. There were many questions that I could have asked in my marriage that might have might have started the conversation sooner – Why are your needs more important than mine?  Why do you say, “What’s the big deal?” when I tell you something that is bothering me? I feel suffocated by your need for constant affirmation, can we change this?

I don’t think the outcome would have changed but I do think the dialogue would have been more brave and real. I didn’t ask those questions at the time because I was quite adept at looking away. There have been many good things that have come from my divorce – my meditation practice, inner peace, the freedom to find my own path. But one of the most fruitful is the willingness to lean in to ask and answer meaningful questions.

Somehow asking that first one taught me I could handle any other answers that came my way.

Please see my Heart of the Matter post for a response to a recent question I asked my mom. The Courage to Ask Questions

(featured photo from Pexels)

56 thoughts on “Leaning In To Answers”

  1. Pingback: The Courage to Ask Questions – The Heart of the Matter

  2. Good timing Wynne. I found myself thinking a lot this weekend about how I avoid conflict and how it sometimes gets me in trouble. I like what you say here though. I hate conflict, but if the answer exists anyway, I find it much easier to face challenges up front. Knowing the answer in my mind anyway trumps any ill feelings inside I may have about conflict. I’d rather know early. Thanks for putting it into words. This is great, thank you.

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  3. Your phrase, “the patina of fear” struck me. Sometimes we see shades…and wonder if we should push past a veneer to see what’s behind. Seek clarity. It takes so much strength to ask those hard questions and lean in, as you said. I see your bravery. 💕💕💕

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  4. Sometimes, often times actually, the best lessons in life are learned through the hardest ways. I learned about the phrase and concept “leaning in” from you and I’m sorry that it was through a painful experience. I agree that we may not want to hear the answer to tough questions but they are necessary and they are, for the most part, survivable. 👍🙏

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    1. Well said, Ab. “for the most part, survivable.” Exactly. A painful experience but I’m happy for all that I’ve learned – and if I can pass on that knowledge to others, even better! Happy Monday, Ab!

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  5. Add my name to this post…you just described my marriage and subsequent personal growth perfectly Wynne, and I think we are not alone.

    Proud of you for asking that first question, and for recognizing your own power and strength in the aftermath Wynne. Hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. The hardest questions to ask are the ones you know the answer to, even “good” answers. I think not asking them takes away our anticipation, our need to be surprised. Will the outcome really still be the same? I guess we’ll never know unless we ask. You give us a good reason to Wynne. Thank you!

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  8. But one of the most fruitful is the willingness to lean in to ask and answer meaningful questions. This is a wonderfully brilliant takeaway from this post. I feel the same way but have never put it into words this clear. I know you went through a lot emotionally with your divorce but to come to this realization and share it here is appreciated.

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    1. Thank you, Ally! You’re right – I went through a lot from my divorce but it was like a trampoline – it shot me into another space altogether. So glad to be able to share with such a great community.

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  9. What a great post, Wynne. I recently saw a quote along the lines of, “You can choose an easy life or you can choose to build character.” Asking the hard questions, as tough as it is, prepares us for whatever comes next in life. And, over time, we can do so with more grace and poise.

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    2. I love this quote! One of my top-three Taleb quotes feels similar to me: “You want to be the fire and wish for the wind.” The wind–the rough moments often opened by the hard questions–are exactly what enable the growth.

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  11. You described me more than I like to admit: “a conflict-averse, people-pleaser.” I’m sorry you ended up with someone unfaithful (having growing up with a philandering dad.) I’m also proud of how well you have moved on with your life. My mother was never able to.

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    1. Oh, I’m glad I’m not alone in the conflict-averse, people pleasing category, Elizabeth. I can imagine having a philandering dad was no picnic. But you’re right – moving on is the key. Sorry your mom couldn’t do it.

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  12. Your post resonates within me. I recently had to find my voice to speak up to an overpowering family member, to do it calmly without resorting to anger or upset. I realized that he doesn’t handle me having a different opinion than him, and in the past I tried to acquiesce to keep the peace, however now I have found a gentle voice to speak. He may need others to agree with him 100% for HIS anxiety not to overflow, but everyone around him is just as important, and no one should sacrifice their mental health to mollify one person. Leaning in can be done gently, it doesn’t have to be loud or abrasive!

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      1. The outcome remains to be seen, as I haven’t heard back from him. I do know he will need time to process everything, and he may not see the need to apologize for his anger, even though I had later texted him that is what I needed. I will accept whatever the outcome is, but I will also see if I need to keep my boundaries up high. We cannot make anyone behave how we need them or desire them to, we can only choose our own actions at the time.

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  13. Kinda wish I had a Buddhist nun to impart wisdom after my divorce. No shade to Rocky Balboa, of course. I am curious how honest your ex was when you asked that question. Did he hem and haw or admit it outright? Either way, sounds like you had a better dialogue through the process than my ex and I ever did.

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    1. Ah, you ask the interesting questions. He lied and said, “yes.” And then when he figured out that I knew, he spent all his time trying to figure out how much I knew so that he only had to admit to what I could verify. And then, he focused on being mad at the person who told me. It took so much extra time and energy trying to unwind all the BS…. and I suspect you get that more than most!! 🙂

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      1. Ay ay ay. I got a headache just reading this. Nooooooo to the “extra time and energy trying to unwind” BS! Still: I’m grateful, somehow, for the role this played in shaping the who you now exists and this post coming into (very encouraging to me) being. ❤

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      2. Oh, you see me, Deborah! Yep, it was a waste in many ways but I’m so grateful for the path it put me on that I can’t muster up much outrage at this point. But still -thanks for being on my side. 🙂

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      5. I’m smiling at all the lovely outrage on my behalf about my ex’s reaction. It was a poor showing on his part. More than a dozen years later I have so much gratitude for how things turned out that I sometimes forget all the BS of the time but I’m glad we all agree it wasn’t his best showing… 🙂

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  14. I imagine that first question was very painful to ask. Also painful to receive an answer. I agree, hard questions are worth asking! Doesn’t mean they’ll ever get easier to ask.

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  15. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this post, this very exact taking-steps-a-new-direction moment. I’ve always been an inquisitive person, but I learned to temper some of my native inquisitive directness after I started getting (early career, ugh) feedback that (1) this was unseemly in women professionals and (2) would be held against me. So, after enough times getting that feedback, I began overemphasizing inviting and encouraging, asking–save in direct negotiations, where I got/get to be direct without penalty!–gentler questions over the more direct ones, in almost all non-negotiation arenas of my life (excepting those negotiation-like ones where directness was explicitly welcomed, which, <3) … which changed emphasis, in the end, dampened my own particular shine and kept me from asking, as often as I wanted, the kinds of challenging, incisive questions that help me clearly see and early act upon reality as it actually exists. Your words feel like my summertime dragonfly: my encouragement to keep pointing my feet this love- but also hard-questions-filled path. Thank you!!!

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    1. Ah, what an insightful comment. Yes, the gender difference when it comes to questions. Can we tone it down and play small? That does take some of the shine off as you say so well! Good for you for finding the encouragement to keep going!

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  17. It’s interesting what lines jump out to different readers. Mine was, “I don’t think the outcome would have changed, but I do think the dialogue would have been more brave and real.” Like many people, I typically avoid conflict unless it’s a customer service issue where a business has screwed me. I have no trouble finding my voice then. I’ve also realized as I’ve aged that asking the necessary and difficult questions is essential to communication and understanding. We’re all works in progress.

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  19. I am recently divorced as well .Well it feels that way .It’s been two yrs that I have been and took two years to do so.My story is different but I think divorce effects us all a bit the same .The hurt, fear etc. Hugs to you being so brave.💗

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  20. There is much truth in this post. One thing that works for me is a quarterly (good) check-in, where we can speak openly, honestly in a safe neutral space without interruption. One thing I have learned is that we all continue to grow as individuals. The person you married 100 years ago is not going to be the same person 100 years later. So, yes, check-in and not only ask the hard question, but ask about goals, regrets, and life. Then truly listen to not just the answers, but watch the body language and listen for the pauses. For as you said, so beautifully “I learned the wisdom that the answer exists, whether I want to know or not. So, I might as well lean in.” There is a good card “game” called Skin Deep which is a good starter for such conversations. https://shop.theskindeep.com/

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    1. What an insightful observation, Betsy. There’s no doubt that I could have faced that self-awareness in my look away phase – but once I’ve learned that I won’t wither when I lean in, it became easier. Maybe we all need a little distance from ourselves? 🙂 Thanks for the great comment!

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  23. Burying my head in the sand is much easier than the hard questions…yet living that way is more difficult. Why do we do this to ourselves?

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