Writing a Good Ending

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“The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort towards wholeness.” – Madeleine L’Engle

At this point 30 years into my career as a computer consultant, I’m always surprised when I go through periods of not knowing. When I was younger, I thought that I’d surely know it all – if not by 30, then by 40, and for certain by 50!

But now here I am in my 50’s and I still face periods when what I’m doing is a little fuzzy, as has been the case the last few weeks. Of course, it rarely has to do with the technology even though the tech is always changing, but often has to do with the people. In this case, I’ve been working with a new client on a lot of projects and fitting into their team and especially their process has left me feeling tentative and kinda stupid.

Here’s the secret that I have to rediscover every time I face certainty like this. When feeling out of sorts, I just need to stay open. When I do, I’m able to ask more questions, and to listen better. My instinct, however, is to retreat. To say something like, “I’m not sure this is a good fit” and run for the safety of my familiar clients and projects.

And yet sooner or later, I find myself back on mostly solid footing. Yesterday, after weeks of feeling low-grade dread, I woke up, and I knew what my next step on two of my new projects with this client were. Yay! I suspect I wouldn’t have always surfed these waves in my past, preferring to feel like I know what I’m doing, and by being spoiled by usually knowing how.

Here’s the thing that I think has helped me, especially this time. Writing. Yes, because it’s self-care and therapy. But also because I’ve grown used to not knowing where I’m going when I sit down to write. I often start with an idea, but then have to type my way there. Sometimes, it’s getting two sentences on the page, erasing one, and inching forward in that fashion. Other times it flows more naturally. Either way, I’m often surprised at the progress I make just by dedicating myself to sitting down, and letting it flow.

As is the case with this new team and project. I found myself reluctant to sit down every day and engage with them, especially with one chap who admits to getting a “little cranky as he gets older.” [A little???] I felt as unsure as I did when I was just starting out 30 years ago. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad but still.

So I’d sit on my meditation cushion every morning with the image of breathing out the anxiety, dread, and self-doubt, and breathing in fresh inspiration and renewal from God, the Universe, my guides – any Power bigger than me. The image was all the dingy-gray clutter leaving via my feet on the out breath, and yellow, white, gold inspiration streaming into the top of my head with the in breath.

Now as I type this, I’m a little surprised at the ending – of this piece, of the period of uncertainty, of the week. I’m glad that I don’t know it all – the a-ha moments and surprise are always better than I could have imagined.

(featured photo from Pexels)

73 thoughts on “Writing a Good Ending”

  1. Writing helps me as well to think through issues. I too am often surprised where my writing ends up. Sometimes this happens with characters in my books—they do things I didn’t expect.

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  2. I like any activity that leads to me feeling more whole. Writing does that for me, too. I adore the image of your meditation method: “… yellow, white, gold inspiration streaming into the top of my head with the in breath.” Sounds blissful

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  3. What an interesting observation, Wynne! I never considered the parallel between the explorative writing process – where we sit down and journey toward an unknown destination – and facing uncertainties in our work or other areas of life. I’ll have to muse on that a bit, but I think that’s also true for me. Ah, life’s little a-ha moments and surprises truly are a gift!

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    1. More humble for sure, and personally I am much more willing to advance the idea that I really don’t know everything, and I love learning what others can teach me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this Wynne! I never made the connection between how I write and how I process life! It seems so obvious now. I start out my blogs just like you, no clue where it’s going, it arrives on its own! Such is life. Hugs, C

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  6. Low-grade dread? You’ve had it, too?? I used to have it all the time. I described it as a constant low buzz in the background of everything I was doing.

    I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to embrace uncertainty. But I have experienced writing as an act of discovery, sitting down to write and being surprised by what happens.

    Thank you for this post. I enjoyed reading it!

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  7. I’ve found that writing works the same way for me too!

    Before I started writing I was reading about how to write and how to write books. The advice usually followed the same format I learned in High School creative writing, which was to first create an outline, know where it was going to start, what was going to go into the middle and then to flesh it out to finally reach at the conclusion already prepared in the outline.

    Every teacher seemed to extoll that method, and even advice for writing books all provided variations on this method, usually individualized by special software they use.

    I was never that kind of writer, so I labeled myself a failure, and as having no writing talent since my mind didn’t function in a linear fashion.

    It was only when the overseas publisher of my illustrated children’s book suggested that I write down “some of my philosophical thoughts, based on how I was speaking” that I started writing in a completely new method.

    I was completely winging it in the beginning, not having any idea of where it was going to go, but since my publisher had expressed faith in what I was saying, I started by writing those thoughts down in very tiny notebooks because I still didn’t have enough faith in myself to even use a larger notebook.

    A larger notebook meant that I felt I had enough material to fill it, plus it would be much more visible and obvious when I wrote on the express bus to and from work. It was only when I filled up 3 of the very smallest notebooks (3″ x 4″!) that I moved up to the next larger size of 4″ x 6″!

    I was just jotting down random thoughts that were coming to mind, with no specific idea of how I was going to use them yet. When a man on the bus questioned me about what I was writing everyday, I told him I was writing a book. He laughed and laughed at me, pointing his finger at my tiny notebook, saying over and over to all around “She thinks she’s writing a book! In those tiny notebooks! She’s delusional!)

    Thankfully I already had my PUBLISHER encouraging me to write a book, or I’d have become discouraged and felt publicly humiliated. Instead I simply smiled at him, knowing he had no idea that all the material I was writing could then be typed up. Maybe he thought we still lived in the middle ages when books were written longhand?!

    Once I filled up a few notebooks, I felt it was time to start typing them up in Word. Ah the magic of copy/paste! I was loving how I was seeing that different one sentence thoughts seemed to fit together with another one, then paragraphs started to form. What joy!

    I felt inspired to add more to the thoughts that were there and gradually I was separating material out into chapters.

    I discovered my best writing process was to have an idea and let it lead me where it wanted to go, instead of trying to force it into the premade box I had made by creating an outline.

    This method meshed well with my painting process, where I had discovered early on that at some point a piece of artwork will start to take on a life of it’s own and the creative adventure obligated me to follow it where it wanted to go instead of deleting all life from it by forcing it back into a pre-determined box!

    By giving myself permission to create that way, I found the entire process to be deeply therapeutic, and meant also that I needed to delve deeper into my subconscious to pull out the inner connections I had made and was still making!

    (Yes, I’m working on writing up a “how I write books” post and this will be added to it!)

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    1. I love this wonderful comment about your process, Tamara. Especially, “I discovered my best writing process was to have an idea and let it lead me where it wanted to go, instead of trying to force it into the premade box I had made by creating an outline.” Yes! I couldn’t outline a thing that I write these days and I’d forgotten that’s how it was taught to me back in the day. Your comment is so interesting! Thanks, my friend!

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  8. I still entertain that mindset that I must know what I want, where I’m going and exactly the process to follow BEFORE engaging in so many aspects of being human! Thankfully I usually wake up quickly and realize that having very little clue is okay. My biggest triumph has been learning to ask questions- which also means I’m being honest with others that I don’t have all the answers. I think this is called being real with yourself and the world 😉

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  10. I’m perpetually in that fuzzy space. Writing, mindfulness, and meditation are largely responsible for holding me together, keeping things clear enough.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. You are so right, Wynne, at least for those of us who gravitate to writing. For us, writing is thinking! Mind you, thinking back, I used to be able to resolve lots of work – and report – challenges during my cooldown walks back from a good run after a stressful work day. Writing, running, …. 😊

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  12. Staying open is the challenge..not always easy! I’ve been wishing for the wisdom to understand cranky people better as I get crankier (not necessarily happening..🙂). I agree, growing older does bring a deeper understanding of uncertainty and writing helps sort out a myriad of thoughts on so many subjects. Love that you use meditation for inspiration☀️

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  15. Congrats on making it to the end of your week, Wynne! You have excellent coping, adapting and thriving skills. You said it best – it’s not about knowing everything but about being able to accept that and be open, listen and ask questions. These soft skills are timeless, whereas the tech changes fast.

    Hope you and the kids get some rest from the dread this weekend!

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  16. Oh my goodness, so much truth and wisdom here Wynne! Thinking you’d have things figured out by now? Are you reading my thoughts now!!! Geesh, I can so relate! Feels like walking on thin ice some days. I have to try your journal/writing suggestion. I journal at times, but haven’t specifically on the areas that are causing me the most concern. I need to try it. Thanks for the idea. Thanks too for letting me know that I’m not alone!!!!!

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    1. Re-reading …. I especially loved this line: “My instinct, however, is to retreat. To say something like, “I’m not sure this is a good fit” and run for the safety of my familiar clients and projects.” My retreat is to look too for safe projects or to delay and hold out for perfection, which is not a good thing either. Thanks for sharing!!

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      1. Oh, Brian, thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. Holding out for perfection – I know that one so well. Here’s to not knowing it all. Let’s make a club!

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  17. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I feel the same way about writing. I don’t know where it’s going. Just like life, I can make plans & do the footwork but I never know for sure what the outcome will be. I don’t have all the answers.

    As much as I’d like more certainty in life, it does make it more interesting not knowing how the story will develop. Life (& stories) would be pretty boring if we knew the answers & outcome to everything.

    Reminds me of that saying:
    “Zen mind, beginners mind.”
    Which I take to mean, when we are learning like a beginner we are more open & present in the moment, like a zen mind living in the present. Hope I can remember that when I’m feeling insecure & uncomfortable in new territory. Thanks again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love this comment, Linda. I apologize for the delay in responding to it – for some weird reason it got stuck in SPAM. But you are so right, life (and stories) would be pretty boring if we knew the outcome. And that’s such a great way to encapsulate it.

      The Zen mind, beginners mind saying is so good!! Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  18. Boy oh boy did you hit home with this one! Im right in the middle of a similar dilemma myself, feeling the weight of an assignment that I feel unprepared for. “Kinda stupid” fits perfectly well here. It’s interesting how life keeps giving the gift of opportunity to learn, grow, and get over ourselves, isn’t it? In my case, the getting over myself part usually has to do with that pesky old self-doubt demon. Enough already, right?! Thank you Wynne. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who sometimes marches to the wrong drummer!

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    1. Marches to the wrong drummer – wow, that is such an astute comment, Julia!! I couldn’t have put it so well but you nailed it. And self-doubt is such a bothersome companion. Glad to know I’m in good company and wishing you well with your assignment, my dear friend!!

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  19. Do we ever know it all? I’m not speaking about the changes outside of ourselves — for example, in technology — but those in relation to ourselves and the world of all living things.

    From the start, we are in transit, always changing. Our bodies, our brains, the way we look, the food we enjoy, the people surrounding us, and our roles in life. Unfortunately, those who want their lives to be static are continuously struggling to control something that was never in their control and will never be — a moving target.

    Part of adaptation requires accepting the nature of life, including our own, and seeing the wonder of it. I’m guessing you do, Wynne.

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    1. Accepting the nature of life – thank you for wrapping this topic so nicely with a bow, Dr. Stein. Right! And I think I see the wonder of life so much more when I have accepted that nature of life. thank you for the insightful comment that always helps me to grow!

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  23. That is such a wonderful and precious trait, to be open to learning new things! That’s nothing short of spectacular!

    And it makes me wonder: can you imagine ever getting to a sign on the road that says “that’s it, you know it all”? Wouldn’t that actually be tremendously disheartening? In a way, maybe, despite the burden of it, it’s good that we don’t know it all? What do you think?

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    1. True, I agree with your comment and nice example with the sign that says “That’s it, you know it all” haha, I do believe that will of course make one unhappy because that will mean end of the road hence it is a good thing to be kept in mystery and not know it all but learn everyday🙌🔥

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      1. Well said! As much as we seem to strive to predictability, if we always knew what was going to happen, and it always happened as predicted… It sounds like a little like a bland dish with no flavor? Is the mystery the flavor of life? 🙃

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    2. Tremendously disheartening to see a sign that we know it all! Thank you for stating it so beautifully because you are absolutely right, it’s great not to know it all!

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  24. The power of writing is indeed a phenomenal experience and a joy when we see the final product of our writing. I love to write and whenever I want to write a blog, I don’t just use the block editor on WordPress to write a draft, I first use the pen and paper method that’s effective in pinning down thoughts and once the right one sinks in, I go ahead and write the blog on WordPress. Writing is therapeutic as well and it does make me whole. Which is why we as Writers need to connect so we can learn from each others experiences and help each other as well as encourage each other when the so called writers block has come knocking on the door🙌

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  25. Staying open is life-changing, isn’t it? An open mind, heart, eyes will never lead us astray, whether we’re finding our way to the next sentence, the right ending, the best answer, or a new life. Thank you for the reminder, Wynne ❤️

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    1. I love how you put it, Natalie! An open mind and heart will never lead us astray! Right!!

      And guess who I got to meet IN-PERSON yesterday? The completely awesome Libby Saylor!! We had a moment when we wished you could be there too. Sending lots of love!

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  26. Pingback: Writing a Good Ending – menthor of mind

  28. So happy that you choose to meditate. Writing is a good way to spark creativity, and creativity is one of the best gifts of God.

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  29. One bite at a time, right? I think if I knew the entirety of what was before me, I’d crawl under the covers and never come out. But one piece at a time we can manage. I love how the writing process helps work things through and allow new thoughts and ideas to come out. 💞💞💞

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    1. Ah, such a great comment, Dawn. One bite at a time. You’re right, seeing the whole elephant would be scary! Here’s to the writing process for helping us navigate through!

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