Your Voice In My Head

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“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” – Peggy O’Mara

I have one child that says “sorry” too easily and another child for whom it’s an ongoing struggle. It makes me think of being neurotic versus character disordered ala Dr. Scott Peck.

“Most people who come to see a psychiatrist are suffering from what is called either a neurosis or a character disorder. Put most simply, these two conditions are disorders or responsibility, and as such they are opposite styles of relating to the worlds and its problems. The neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder not enough.”

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

The problem is that I land on the neurotic side, as I’ve discussed on this blog before, so I think it’s my responsibility. By saying that, I’m not denying that it’s my responsibility, I’m just allowing for the circular logic about responsibility this question creates. It makes it hard to sit back and just let life and my children bloom.

Here’s what I like about being neurotic. I can always find something that I can work on to fix. And the downside, somethings aren’t my things to fix. As Vicki wrote so brilliantly in her post yesterday, Creativity of Being,

“I’ve concluded that relationship navigation is a creative, soulful effort.  Abandoning familiar scripts and roles, avoiding the rear-view mirror and the allure of the horizon requires ingenuity and loads of it.”

Dr. Victoria Atkinson, Creativity of Being

So I’m trying to ride the wave between the neurotic voice in my head (that came in part from my perfectionist mom) that says that I could help my kids avoid all troubles in life if they’d just get their outlook right and my curious side that asks a lot of questions when my kids come into conflict in the world. What I’m finding is that how they see an incident is the most interesting thing. Will I change their propensities to say “sorry?” I don’t know but if I become the voice in their head, I want it to be curious, not judgmental.

[A wonderful note about this title for anyone looking for a great voice – Julia Preston has a delightful, uplifting, and inspiring blog called Voices In My Head and has written a book Voices: Who’s In Charge of the Committee in My Head?

The favorite voice in my head comes from my dad and I’ve written about it on the Heart of the Matter blog this morning, “It’s Going to Be Great, Kid!”

(featured photo from Pexels)

48 thoughts on “Your Voice In My Head”

  1. Pingback: It’s Going to be Great, Kid. – The Heart of the Matter

  2. Oh gosh…. this: “it’s hard to sit back”. I’m with you, Wynne. Our girl is a young grown up now, but it’s still hard. If it helps, imagine me joining you on the carousel of ‘circular logic’. I seem to take that trip often. xo! 🥰

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  3. Wynne, if you can find a person without some personal imperfections, he or she will be the first such individual on the planet. Are you neurotic? Probably not more than most of us.

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  4. I’m with you Wynne. If my kids hear my voice in their head, I want it to be loving, encouraging, challenging but in a good way — certainly not a judgmental voice. Of course, now I’m wondering! Ha, ha, I think I need to call them and ask which one they hear …. I’ll let you know what I find out!!!😝😝😝

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  5. There’s much to think about here, Wynne. While I don’t have children myself, I suspect you’re doing the right thing, sitting back and proving gentle nudges, guidance, and interventions only when necessary. While your kids may have different interpretations of the same situation, I can tell that they both have big hearts and bet they’ll learn from one another as they grow. 😊

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    1. I love this idea that they are learning from each other – yes! I’m doing my best to sit back – can’t say I manage all of the time but at least sometimes! 🙂 Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging comment, Erin!

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  7. Oh boy, I remember those crazy years when all the kids were young, and I was the lone parent as Larry traveled Monday through Friday for about six years. I tried to roll gently along but eventually the chaos would override my calm and I would lose it. Sending everyone to their timeout spaces while I reconsidered my less than stellar behavior. I would apologize and name my inappropriate actions while encouraging them to do the same. It was usually very sweet, ending in reconciliation and soft hugs. I’m not sure what voices I’ve left in their heads but I’m hopeful it was one of forgiveness and repair, we all make mistakes, but there is always a way back. Great post, hugs, C

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    1. Oh boy do I relate to when chaos overrides my calm. Perfectly said! And I love your voice of forgiveness and repair – if they inherited that from you, they are ahead in life for sure!! What a wonderful comment that reminds me of what’s important. Thank you, Cheryl! ❤

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  8. You will undoubtedly be the voice in their head, Wynne, and that is a good thing. But you can’t protect them from all troubles in life, and that’s OK, too. That’s one of the ways in which we grow. Btw, when you first mentioned that one of your kids says ‘sorry’ a lot, I thought maybe that’s just the Canadian in him or her, and that’s also a very good thing! 😏

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  9. The best thing I ever heard about parenting was from my best friend, whose kids were all around my age. As I worried my way through my children’s childhood (and like you, I lean WAY into the neurotic, assuming virtually ALL the responsibility of the world) and as I frequently expressed concern that I “wasn’t doing it right,” she told me, “Patti, of COURSE you are a good Mom: only good Moms worry about being bad Moms”. I love hearing about good Moms (like you, Wynne) working so hard to get it right…🙏💕🙂

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  10. Your thoughtful post made me think of many times when I lost it with my children, sometimes connected to me over protecting them and wishing I could go through their traumas for them! How I wish I could have utilised then my current experience and wisdom of age – aka growing old 🙂 I think awareness of our mistakes and imperfections leading to apologies and discussions may go a long way in making up – I hope so anyway!

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    1. What a wonderful comment, Margaret! I’d like to think those conversations about mistakes and doing the repair – showing them how – make a huge difference! Then we get to walk the walk, don’t we?!

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  11. I feel that this topic may be a recurring theme as a parent. Is there an unwritten need to question ourselves once those little people come into our lives, or have we been on the neurotic side all along and kids magnify that trait? Parenting in my opinion is about progression. What you may do with the first will probably in many ways be different with the 2nd-3rd and so on because not only are the kids hearing and learning, but so is the parent (I hope) as they adjust to each new person so everyone grows in some way. Then you get to move perhaps to the grandparent stage. Personally this time in my life is when the biggest adjustments have happened to my neurotic self. I am so different with the girls than I was with my kids. We do our best and I think most of us get it right at some point 😉 You have nothing to worry about- trust me 🙂

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    1. Yes – parenting as a progression. I love your reassurance that “we do our best and I think most of us get it right at some point.” I trust you on that, my friend. Thank you!

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  12. Boy, raising kids who have spirit and a strong moral compassion is difficult! We can’t force them to feel sorry for something, we can only guide them an show them our reasons. If they don’t show empathy, we need to realize that we aren’t their only input into their growth. There are friends, teachers, other family, plus tv shows etc. I’ve found that sometimes we need to put a pin in a conversation it kiddo is just not getting it and return to it another time or when they’re older. Never worry, these are recurring themes and topics, so it won’t get swept under the rug!

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  13. Right?! Nope, you’re not going to be the only input, and as they get bigger, they’re going to have more and more input from others they’re going to process. The nice thing is that being Mom, you do have a very large influence on them. I have seen that even though it doesn’t always appear like they’re accepting mom’s advice, it is still being fed in, they’re hearing it, but may choose to ignore it. Then when they get older, you’re going to hear your words coming out of their mouths!

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  14. So much to think about. I wonder what voice my kids’ have in their heads? Is it mine, who was generally relaxed and loving — or is it the voice from a few times I lost my temper? I tried to instill in them to be true to themselves and not worry about what other people think. I hope some of that stuck. Then I wonder how I got my mom’s judgmental voice in my head and why it’s there today?

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    1. What interesting questions! I can remember the one time my dad lost his temper when I was growing up but he was so good-natured and loving that I wonder why that stands out. Probably because it was such a difference but not because it replaced who I thought he was. I’m guessing that your beautiful lessons of being true to themselves have totally stuck.

      Do you think mother’s voices tend to get stuck more in daughters’ heads than for sons?

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  15. The Peggy O’Mara quote is an interesting one, Wynne – and one I often think about now that I’m a parent, especially in my less gracious and patient moments. I can certainly recall vividly some of the not so pleasant moments when I was growing up.

    I like your own self reflection too. I bet your self definition of being neurotic is really just someone who is patient, giving and present for your kids. 😊 Don’t be so hard on yourself – they are blooming.

    And how wonderful to have your dad’s voice in your head. I bet you get lots of chuckles and smiles throughout the day! 😊

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    1. You know, Ab – I like hearing your voice to counter the one in my head! Thank you, my friend! Yes, I’m blessed to have my dad’s voice in my head and he’s been especially close lately.

      And I wonder that about my less gracious and patient moments too. I’m sure those are memorable – as is the repair afterwards.

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  18. If you research, there are many studies that suggest that women apologize more than men and that is of course interesting. However, my pearl of wisdom to you a wonderful reflective mother – perhaps both your children will outgrow their over apologizing and non-apologizing habits as they continue to experience a wonderful, enriched life you have created for them.

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  19. I’ve been accused of saying “sorry” too often myself. But in my case, it’s truly heartfelt. I’m just a very empathetic person. Sorry if you don’t like that. And sorry for saying sorry again.

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  20. Hello? Did I hear the words “Voices in My Head”? Those words grabbed my attention because that is, coincidentally, the name of my blog. (voicesinmyhead.blog). SORRY—😉—please pardon the self-plug—the temptation was too great, and I I just help myself! I can control the self-created voices, but it has taken years to sift through ancestral ones! Your children are blessed to have a mom who is wise enough to filter out any voices that will have a negative impact upon them.

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    1. Ooooohhh, I missed an opportunity to promote you and your wonderful blog, Julia! I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you left a link here and I’m going to update the post right now!!

      The ancestral voices – what a wonderful way to put it!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. Thank you for the thought and the update, Wynne, but not to worry! I promoted myself (so difficult to do!) and tried to include a link, but alas, it didn’t seem to work in the ‘reply’ section. So much to learn, so little time! ❤️

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