Patience, Energy and a Little Bit of Flexibility

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“Patience is also a form of action.” Auguste Rodin

Yesterday, I was trying to get Mr. D’s pants on so that he could go to preschool. He was busy sitting on the floor playing with a truck and didn’t want to assist in any way.

When I consider the difference for me being a parent of young kids while I’m in my 50’s versus in my 20’s or 30’s, it’s this scenario with my kids that comes to mind. It’s like a silly sitcom – the same story line that happens every day but with slightly different entrances, exits, and accessories. And the thing that I bring to it as an older parent – a lot more patience. My egoic insistence that I am in charge, have to do it my way, with a rigid order has changed from my younger self.

This reminds me of playing tennis with my dad. When I was in my 20’s, I had loads of energy to run everything down and my tennis skills had got better. I thought I would have no problem beating my dad in his 50’s. But he had patience. He could steadily get all the balls back and not go for the risky winner. Instead, he had the friendliest form of banter/trash talk and he’d wait for the easy winner when I had run myself silly or was out of position.

If Mr. D doesn’t want to put his pants on at that particular moment, I let it go, do something else to get ready. When I circle back in one minute, he’ll usually cooperate with little to no problem. I can easily imagine what I would have done twenty years ago – worn myself ragged trying to either put pants on an uncooperative kid or talked myself blue in the face trying to convince him to cooperate.

Because on the flip side of this is that I don’t have the same high energy that I had 20 years ago so I have to give up the struggles that aren’t worth it. Worrying about what others think or sweating the small stuff like having a tidy house and matching socks has by necessity gone by the wayside because I simply don’t have the capacity to care about it. At the end of these days with young children, I am flat out exhausted. But with a little crafty patience, at least most days, I don’t end up as a sweaty mess.

If patience is my most useful tool as an older parent because I lack the energy of a younger one, then I’d name flexibility as the most predominant skill that parenting has taught me.

My guess is that this applies not only to tennis and parenting but also to most things we apply perspective to as we age. We learn to use a little patience to figure out which battles are worth fighting and which are avoidable skirmishes that our egos and inflexibility set us up for. Then, like my dad playing tennis, we can participate in some friendly banter and even sometimes get an easy winner in when we don’t overreach.

Still reading? I have another post today on creativity and the tools we can use to change our minds on Wise & Shine – Writing In The Dark

50 thoughts on “Patience, Energy and a Little Bit of Flexibility”

  2. Great post, Wynne. “I have to give up the struggles that aren’t worth it….I simply don’t have the capacity to care about it.” This is so painfully relatable for me, and suspect chronic illness presents some of the same challenges as being an older parent… but also the opportunity to prioritize and let go of things not worth the energy.

    In my 20s, I would have been fighting to put those pants on ASAP! Today, I would hope I could exercise the same patience you showed, walking away and returning when the effort requirements is a bit lower. Life doesn’t have to be hard… when we practice patience, those hard edges often soften quite a bit. And, as you mention, I think that’s true in most areas of life.

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    1. I love how you make the tie to chronic illness – yes, I see that similarity. And your observation “Life doesn’t have to be hard…when we practice patience, those hard edges often soften quite a bit.” It’s beautiful — and so true!!

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  3. I love all of this, but especially this, about your dad: …”he had the friendliest form of banter/trash talk and he’d wait for the easy winner when I had run myself silly or was out of position.” Oh my. Yes…smart man, wasn’t he? 🥰

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  4. You reminded me of trying to get my son dressed when he was two or three. He’d turn into a wet noodle and not cooperate. I had a college roommate over and she was appalled. She also wasn’t a mother yet. A few years later when she was a mom of a toddler, she called and apologized for being so judgmental.

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    1. The wet noodle…oh, I can relate!! Hardest pose to tackle of them all.

      That’s funny about your college roommate – I’m glad she finally gained the experience and apologized!

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    1. What a perfect analogy, EW. A marathon for sure! You can’t wear yourself out in the first couple of miles although it’s so tempting! Thank you for the lovely comment!

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  6. Wynne, no doubt being an older parent and having developed patience is a big advantage. You have the parental ability to prioritize not just tasks but thoughts. I get the analogy when it comes to your father and tennis. That’s a great example of being steady and steadfast.

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  7. Oh Wynne, this is such a wise and wonderful post. I remember those scenarios so well – I was a young Mum – and how differently I enacted them later on with grandchildren. I know that my daughter, who is 49 this year and will be bringing a young child in to her family, would find your lessons very useful. 🙂

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    1. Oh, how delightful that your daughter will soon be parenting a young child. Congratulations to her! Funny that you can still remember those scenarios – they are hard, aren’t they! 🙂 Thanks for the delightful comment!

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  8. Great post. Patience and wisdom versus energy. Would that we could have them all at the same time! Think of the heroic grandmothers raising grandchildren in their 60s and 70s. They’d endorse your observations in spades!

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    1. Yes – those heroic grandmothers are amazing! Especially if they inherit them all at once instead of being able to work up to it as usually happens when you have kids. Thank you, Jane!

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  9. A huge takeaway for me is that I hope by learning patience and using it we are making kids less neurotic about how they spend their days and live their lives. I’m sure as a new parent I was so not the picture of patience in any way. I know by #3 I had improved. Finally now as grandma I think for the most part I have the hang of it 😉

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    1. I love your observation that when we use our patience, it helps kids to feel less neurotic. I think that’s true. They can see not to take everything so seriously! I know you are a great grandma!!

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  10. There’s something to be said for older parents who know what’s really important– and what is fluff. I think of that when I see Instagram reels with young parents fussing over small things that really won’t make a wit of difference in the long run. But you can’t tell them that.

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  11. I’m relating to this as a grandparent, although I am much older than you, I notice how exhausted I am after watching my granddaughters for a night. I too pick my battles because as a grandparent I don’t want to be the one to set boundaries and harp on the kids for playing with an ant instead of eating their pancakes. It is nice to be able to hand them off to their parents for the real task of raising kids but one that requires enormous flexibility and patience. You’re a wise parent Wynne and your children are so blessed to have you guiding them through this life. Hugs, C

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    1. I thought of you when I wrote this post, Cheryl – because I think you commented in the past that my age might have some distinct advantages when it comes to parenting. Yes – who wants to call them off playing with ants! I feel your joy as a both a parent and grandparent and it keeps me motivated and inspired! Thank you, my friend!

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  12. This is very true, Wynne. I think we gain a lot of patience as we age. I had my kids in my late 30’s and I’m sure I had way more patience with them than I would have had in my early 20’s. I had enough wisdom to know which battles were worth fighting and which to let go.

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  13. Another blog full of Wonderful Wynne Wisdom. I probably would have exhausted myself trying to wrestle him into his pants. You may want to consider starting a notebook for Mr. D’s future wife with tips for dealing with him if he goes all stubborn. Tip #1: If stubbornness sets in, walk away and circle back later. He may be more cooperative on the return trip. Your story reminds me of two bulls standing on the top of a hill looking down at a field full of cows. The eager young one says, “Let’s run down there and get us one!” The old bull said, “Nope. Let’s walk down and get ’em all.” There’s a lot to be said for having wisdom enough to conserve energy for the big battles. Or as my sister says, “Save your beef for the big stew.” Love the photo! How much energy does it take to hold Ms. O—she’s a carbon copy of you, by the way. 💕

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    1. Love the bull story! “Save your beef for the big stew.” Yes! And I’m laughing about your advice for Mr. D’s future wife. You’ve said it PERFECTLY! I’m writing that in as wisdom from Aunt Julia!

      There’s something about the density of boys (or maybe it’s just Mr. D) but Miss O isn’t all that much heavier than he is (maybe 5 pounds?). She’s a lot taller but picking them both out kinda nicely evens my load. 🙂

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      1. Some day maybe you’ll read through all of your blogs and extract the WWW gems of your own experience and write a book for both of your children—and the rest of the world, while you’re at it. What a great gift it would be. Tip #1 came out of your own experience, after all……

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  14. I wish I had known this wisdom years ago! This is gold! I also love the lesson you shared about your dad!

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  15. Great post Wynne! Sometimes in baseball they say that the older pitchers are actually better at their craft than the younger ones because they have to combine their knowledge and experience with their “less than prime”physical abilities. I think this applies to life beyond baseball.

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    1. I love the baseball example, Todd! I think you are right that this applies to life beyond baseball – when our brute strength gives out, we turn out to be quite inventive. 🙂

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  17. This is a great post and speaks to the wisdom gained by age.

    I’ve been watching and loving the new season of Star Trek: Picard which reunites the cast of The Next Generation for the first time after 20 years. I’m still on a buzz as todays episode, the last one before the grand finale, was so good.

    The characters are all older and slower but the wisdom gained helps them address the latest intergalactic challenges of the day.

    So while not related to parenting, I see that same logic apply too.

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    1. I love this, Ab! Yes, I think the wisdom of aging and opportunities applies to many, many things!! And now that you are 40, you are seeing it all over the place! 🙂

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  21. Thank you for sharing you thoughts!! you are being a wonderful and understanding mother!!.. “No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it.”( Jean de La Bruyere )… 🙂

    Hope life is all that you wish for it to be and until we meet again..

    May your day be touched
    by a bit of Irish luck,
    Brightened by a song
    in your heart,
    And warmed by the smiles
    of people you love.
    (Irish Saying)

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  22. This post really hits home.

    I was a young parent, and while that’s great in the sense that I’ve had a lot of opportunities for freedom at a stage in my life where I can take advantage of them, the one drawback is the fact that I severely lacked patience in my 20s and early 30s. I know I wasn’t the best father I could have been and I regret some of the ways I acted toward my kids back then (especially the oldest).

    There was a period post-divorce when I was dating somebody new and she wanted kids; I was in my early 40s at that point, and I had already changed so much, I knew I’d be a much more patient and forgiving parent if given another opportunity. Alas, it never happened, but there’s a lot to be said for tackling parenthood when you’re older and more mature. I think you’re doing a great job FWIW!

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    1. FWIW – that’s a lovely compliment. Thank you!

      The good thing I bet about being a young parent is that you get to have lots of years with them after your patience and wisdom have blossomed. I’m sure that counts for a lot!

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