Self-Awareness and Reflection

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“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?” – John Keats

When I was hanging out with my friend, Scott, yesterday over a cup of tea – well, tea for me, coffee for him, if we want to be particular about it – Scott said something like “I’m not the most empathetic person. I have to remind myself to be empathetic.” Since he’s been a friend for 25 years, I was a little surprised by this news and asked if there was a time when he realized this. He responded about 5 or 7 years ago.

So I followed up to ask what happened to change this. Scott replied that the guy that he hired as a business partner would go into companies where Scott had worked for years and then say things to him like, “Did you know Susie lives in our neighborhood too?” And Scott would be absolutely flabbergasted that he had missed all the personal information and conversation by being purely focused on business for years.

It reminds me of something I heard Dan Harris talk about on his Ten Percent Happier podcast with NYU Stern School of Business professor, Scott Galloway. That in the pursuit of economic success, they have missed many opportunities to be nicer and they’ve realized it.

I’m paraphrasing here, but what I walked away from these comments by middle-aged white men, including Scott, who I would have never labeled as insensitive, is #1, that there is a ton of pressure as men to wrap up their self-worth and identity in economic success. And #2 that some of them realize that as missed opportunities when that pressure abates. Then #3 is that they are remarkable when they do the work to change it.

You know what I love about hanging out with reflective and self-aware people? They make me smarter about my journey. In this case, about my ability to acknowledge pain in myself and others and to empathize. And it helps me when I have to answer questions from my kids so that maybe a smidgen of this reflection is passed along.

This all relates in a beautiful, big picture way to the question Miss O asked me yesterday: “Mama, Why Would We Want to Feel Their Pain? It’s my post on the Wise & Shine blog today.

(featured photo from Pexels)

40 thoughts on “Self-Awareness and Reflection”

  1. I hear about men struggling with the crises they’re feeling, with attacks on masculinity, changing expectations, and pressure to be the kind, gentle men our society seems to be asking them to be, but when they weren’t raised with those skills and were socialized to be alpha males, so many find themselves in a tailspin, angry, resentful about needing to change on a dime, yet not knowing how to do so. I feel for them, for ultimately, they’ve been sold short in many ways, and struggle to just be themselves with out needing to prove themselves.

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      1. Many of the men I know seem to have grown into their new selves, but some are struggling. Those men have put up huge barriers between themselves and women, feeling they have been shortchanged or taken advantage of. I feel for them, in some respects they’re not wrong, but as what happens with the us against them theory, the other side is wrong while they feel 100% correct. Of course, the truth is always somewhere in between.

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  2. What distinguishes Scott from many others who credit themselves with self-awareness is that it came in middle age without prompting. Good for him and good for you to create yourself as the trusted listener who set the stage for his intimate revelation, Wynne.

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    1. That’s what I thought was remarkable too. It was change that wasn’t preceded by a crisis. Thank you for the kind and insightful comment, Dr. Stein!

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  3. Excellent food for thought. Thanks Wynne! I think, as women, we can have more social influences growing up that encourage us to be more empathetic and that’s helpful in life in so many ways. It is surprisingly self-aware of your friend to pick up on and acknowledge that he could be more empathetic.

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    1. I totally agree about the influences we had growing up as women. And it fascinates me to think about in raising my kids. Thanks for the observation that helps expand my thinking.

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  4. Prioritizing . . . we are the choices we make.
    Thanks for reminding me Wynne to reflect upon what choices get top priority in my life, not only with respect of how they affect my life, but how they impact all the ‘others’ each of us needs along our journey.
    Be blessed!

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    1. Oh, I like your “reflection” about this reflection, Fred. You are so right that our priorities need to get some constant attention to stay inline, don’t they?

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  6. “You know what I love about hanging out with reflective and self-aware people? They make me smarter about my journey.”
    Yes. You do, Wynne. Thank you, thank you. 💜 ❤️

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  7. People are different when it comes to chit chat and getting to know people. It’s interesting that your friend figured out he was missing many personal exchanges with his focus on business.

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    1. That’s what I thought was so interesting as well, EA! I thought it was remarkable that he picked up on that and decided to do something about it. But I find him to be a very curious and always-learning type that is willing to take action. Very refreshing!

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  8. I think we learn the lessons we need in life, and the lessons often come at a cost. My boyfriend’s parents epitomize “keeping up with the Joneses”, with their self-worth being tied up in economic success, so he grew up with that mindset. Yet, weeks before he was set to graduate from DigiPen and begin a lucrative career at Nintendo, he suffered a life-altering brain injury. When the prospect of a career and financial security dissipate, what’s left? Your self-worth has to come from who you are, rather than what you have. Humility, empathy, the opportunity for human connection… reassessing what really matters. We’re all capable, and could all benefit from doing so. As Tamara suggests, I agree that men have been sold short and lied to. A man can be strong and successful while also being sensitive to those he loves. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

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    1. I love your line “your self-worth has to come form who you are, rather than what you have.” Yes! And also that it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Right!! ❤

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  9. Your post reminds me, Wynne, that we need to be encouragers and supporters when change is afoot — or the contemplation of it. You’re a terrific friend who brings great insight! And…and…and…the observation about impending regret … “some of them realize that as missed opportunities when that pressure abates” feels spot-on. 😘

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    1. So grateful to you for being my encourager and supporter, dear Vicki! As far as insight goes, I think I was just along for the ride on this one. But a delightful ride, for sure! 🙂 ❤

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  10. I’ve come to see that there are different types of empathy. In my job, I think I’m very empathetic, but it tends to be very work related. A month ago, I had a conversation with a coworker and was able to talk to them about a change that was coming at work and ask how it might affect them. We had a very detailed conversation on possible changes and I was very sympathetic to them. Later my wife asked me how they were doing in their new house. I forgot to even ask. It was all work related in my head. Yes, sort of crazy. As far as the economic pressure, I’ve always felt that. Now some of that was our family finances growing up, but I definitely have felt that. Now I’ve never needed to be the breadwinner or whatever, but I didn’t want my wife and family to go without. Extreme pressure put on by myself. Good luck to your friend on becoming more empathetic!

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    1. What an interesting divide that you bring up here, Brian! Kinda points to be focused on the job portion which makes a lot of sense and the object of your focus. Maybe that ties to that economic success and extreme pressure – at least in part. So interesting! Thanks for commenting! And I totally agree you are very empathetic and delightfully enthusiastic too!

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  11. I enjoyed how you looked at this topic from the perspective of men/your friend Steve in your blog and then through your children in the parallel post.

    I agree that being open with feelings is generally not something guys do but those that are open to it and to change truly are remarkable. I am glad that there is a change in societal expectations and norms around this for men. We can all benefit from it.

    I also love that you encourage the kids to feel the pain as these moments do make us all more empathetic and relate better with others. This is one of the things I admire and appreciate about the kids growing up now into future adults!

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    2. I love that kids are learning empathy now too – it really is amazing what a different education they are getting than when I was young and we didn’t talk about this stuff!

      And you’re right – the societal expectations and norms are changing. It’s good for all of us! What an astute and thoughtful comment. Thanks, Ab!

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  12. Societal pressures are a strong force to work against when we are young. It’s often not until we’re older that we realize all that we missed because we chose to bow to expectations. Though it is never too late to change course. Your friend Scott is purposefully insightful. A beautiful way to grow. And how good of you to be a good friend to him.

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    1. You said it so well Alegria when you talk about bowing to expectations when we are young. You’re right – Scott, like so many of you all on WordPress, is “purposefully insightful” and I find that to be so inspiring! Thanks for the great comment, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  13. Yes, in my observation the old white men who are the most uptight emotionally are the ones who are most threatened by the idea of treating all people fairly. I think they fear retribution for how lousy they’ve been toward other people, not realizing that kindhearted people will forgive them if they just make the effort.

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    1. Wow, what an astute way to put Ally! I think you nailed it on both sides – it’s especially ironic when they don’t think they’ll be forgiven because they wouldn’t forgive if the tables were turned.

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